Marriage to a Nurse-- Need HELP

BBFRN, BSN, PhD · Apr 8, 2004

I believe the quoted post was sarcasm. You are showing a propensity for focusing on the negative. I'm also starting to believe you posted the original post hoping that we would all reply with a "Tell her to run away from nursing as fast as she can!" so that you could have evidence in hand as to why she should change her mind to fit your needs/wants. You didn't hear that, so now I guess your MO is going to be to show her how mean and cruel nurses are. She wouldn't want to turn out like us now, would she? I hope for her sake that she's not that easily manipulated.

There's a saying that goes something like, "Take what you need and leave the rest." You seem to mostly be taking the negative. I hope you don't do that to your fiancee, because nobody can thrive for too long in that environment. She needs your support right now. Are you able to do that for her, or are you going to sit around thinking of a million BS reasons why she shouldn't do what she wants? She's obviously with you for a reason- because she WANTS to be with you. Let her soar, and she'll continue to want to be with you. Try to stifle and control her, and she'll either turn out to be a product of that environment, or leave you at some point. It's as simple as that.

BBFRN, BSN, PhD · Apr 8, 2004

Quoted by Bukko
"Just for fun, I checked out one of their political threads. (Thank goodness for fast Internet connections.) What a NASTY, hate-filled bunch these student doctors are! The overweening egos show right through. Their low level of discourse makes this board look like a cloud full of angels. They don't show much intellectual depth, either. This board is a bunch of ancient Greek philosophers by comparison. If they're any representation of what up-and-coming doctors are like, we have much to fear..."

Yeah, when you read the posts over there, they seem to be a bunch of chest-thumping apes. Then, if you picture most of the interns you know (the pasty, skinny, sheepish guys with that really confused and overwhelmed looks on their faces) it's really hilarious actually, to match those posts with the huge hawking nerds behind them all. Especially when you figure out which ones work at your hospital. :rotfl:

NeedAdvice1234 · Apr 8, 2004

I believe the quoted post was sarcasm. You are showing a propensity for focusing on the negative. I'm also starting to believe you posted the original post hoping that we would all reply with a "Tell her to run away from nursing as fast as she can!" so that you could have evidence in hand as to why she should change her mind to fit your needs/wants. You didn't hear that, so now I guess your MO is going to be to show her how mean and cruel nurses are. She wouldn't want to turn out like us now, would she? I hope for her sake that she's not that easily manipulated.
There's a saying that goes something like, "Take what you need and leave the rest." You seem to mostly be taking the negative. I hope you don't do that to your fiancee, because nobody can thrive for too long in that environment. She needs your support right now. Are you able to do that for her, or are you going to sit around thinking of a million BS reasons why she shouldn't do what she wants? She's obviously with you for a reason- because she WANTS to be with you. Let her soar, and she'll continue to want to be with you. Try to stifle and control her, and she'll either turn out to be a product of that environment, or leave you at some point. It's as simple as that.

I just don't get it how the hell do I start off asking straight forward questions... then I get socially anaylized about who i really am...All of you must have had some type of concerns or some fights with your S/O. However, does that make u warped and twisted??? Why can half the people on here actually offer such great advice and insight while others seem to just want to go off topic and pick me apart....

I thought nursing tells u to pay attention to detail...and if necessary make other assumptions... your assumptions on who I am are not REPATE are not necessary for a posting with straight forward answers...

If a guy comes in with a broken arm are you going to cast up his entrie body??? Some of you I am sure you will...

No wonder why there are soooo many people who go into surgery but come out loosing a toe or something.... I can see it now..

Dr, Pateint is needs to have surgery on his left leg... lets just chopp off the ear while we are at it... make his body symetrical! Begging to realize these accidents are not the doctors fault

BBFRN, BSN, PhD · Apr 8, 2004

Uh, for the record, it's the surgeon's responsibility to determine which limb gets "chopped off."

Stitchie · Apr 8, 2004

What does "Repate" mean?

Anywho, you came here, I REPEAT, to get some insight into what makes a marriage work. I'm giving you insight into how my husband is supportive, and how I hope to be supportive of him. You proceed to attack, and that is simply uncalled for.

"No wonder why there are soooo many people who go into surgery but come out loosing a toe or something.... I can see it now..

Dr, Pateint is needs to have surgery on his left leg... lets just chopp off the ear while we are at it... make his body symetrical! Begging to realize these accidents are not the doctors fault"

Which ear? :rotfl:

If you live to be 150 you will never understand what it means to be a nurse, or how hard we work. We WORK, day in and day out! You obviously have no clue whatsoever what a nurses role is, but then you may just get your ideas of nursing from "All My Children".

"Again I don't understand what 1 posting has to do with my entrie relationship....Tell you what... why don't u tell me what a healthy relatinship is."

Well, we've all been trying, and you aren't hearing what you want to hear, apparently. My husband said that you just don't get it; you'll end up eating by yourself, and that you aren't marrying a maid. Fetching dinner is preferable to eating alone.

He has no problem "fetching" dinner, as you so eloquently put it; there are days when it is difficult to do the job we do. Like when you are in Triage (look it up; I'm not going to bother explaining it to you) and are handed a 5 day old child that has stopped breathing; parents are panicking and can't give you a straight answer. If that child dies how do you think the nurses and doctors are going to feel? We depend on our spouses to support us. How about when you lose a 39 year old woman because of cardiomyopathy in her 7th month of pregnancy, with her first child? How do you react to the husband that who has lost his wife and his unborn child? Or how do you feel when you have someone come up to the Triage desk and gasp "I think I'm having a heart attack" and you get that person to the Cath lab in 15 minutes and you save his life?

The reason I don't ever, ever want to see the likes of you in my ER is because you would be bugging the out of me for stupid stuff like when is my room going to be ready...blah blah blah and interfering with my job. But then again you're obviously much too thick to understand the subtleties of nursing, this profession, and especially what it means to work ER. I guess you're "above" all that.

As for "seeing what your future holds", I see frozen dinners. Lots and lots of frozen dinners. Or maybe living with your parents for a long, long time.

I'll say it again, grow up. Please don't marry this girl while you are so freaked out over minutiae. Give it 5, 10, 15 years. Bukko may be right.

Get a job, another degree, go to college or grad school. Move out. Move to California, find yourself, learn to surf. Develop yourself. Be less dependent upon the opinions of others and quit freaking at those who are trying to give you the help you so desperately need.

orrnlori, RN · Apr 8, 2004

I think I'm beginning to see a troll here. This just doesn't seem real to me, does anyone else feel this? :uhoh3:

nekhismom · Apr 8, 2004

You know, NeedAdvice1234, I can see where you are coming from here. As someone who doesn't have much knowledge of the medical field, I'm sure you are wrought with worries. My husband was the same way when i first started school. I think you may just be worried about having time for one another. It does take a LOT of effort, but marriage in general takes a lot of effort.

Listen to your fiance. She KNOWS more about the field than you do. Talk to her openly. I'm sure if you let her know that you are feeling like you might be second to her job, that she can help you to see how she is going to make time for you.

Also, if having children is a concern, figure this. The majority of nurses are female, and MANY of them are mothers. I am a mom myself. We learn how to balance things. It's not always easy, but we do it. And moms in general will sacrifice their own wishes for the good of the kids and hubby. SO I'm SURE if you both want kids, you can work things out. As others have mentioned, she will likely have lots of flexibility with her schedule after a year or so. It may even work out so that you don't need daycare. And that is WONDERFUL.

Talk to her openly. Best wishes to you both.

cinrn68 · Apr 8, 2004

Needy -- let's try to get this straight... here is part of your original post:

Anyway, I have a lot of concerns and she tries to reassure me that my concerns are not warrented nor will they be as bad as I think. However, I am skeptical because she has not been in the profession yet.
So long story short. I am concerned about what life will be like married to a Nurse. She has her heart set on ER nurseing and possibly Main OR. Considering I am in buisness and not medical profession. Everything I know is based on drama shows like ER and Trama etc. So I started thinking and I came up with the follwoing red flags that really concern me.
1. I don't want her to put herself in danger. There appreantly is a lot of disease and virus that are fatal out there. I am afraid if she is working in the ER that she might get AIDS if there is a bleeder and she gets blood in her eye Or if she gets stuck by a needle. So I feel she is in a dangerous postion over this.
2. I see alot of ER jobs out there that require shift work. Since my career bassically allows only for a 8-6 type of schdule. I am afraid that I will never see her if she get stuck on a 7-7 shift or so. The thought of comming home to an empty house and being alone until she has off next frightens me. I want to be able to some home and share each others day. Also we plan on having children so I don't understand how we can have children if she has so many messed up hours.
3. Holidays are important to the both of us. But since we have plans to move from NJ to out west. We will only have each other. Our familys will be behind. I don't really want to spend Christmas all alone.
4. The show ER is scary.... Does any of that stuff actually happen? If not then why is nursing considered one of the highest risk jobs you can have?
Overall I know it sounds like its all about me. But honestly it is. I want to make sure I know what I am getting into and the pitfalls I might face before I continue with the Marriage talk. Are my concerns warrented or am I just being smothering?
Any real life experinces and advice would be helpful. Someone out there must be married and a nurse. Who can offers some real life insight and not drama show life. I am looking for anyone who can really tell me how it is and perhaps made a marriage work by having night shift work.
Thank you all in advace.

I think #1 and #4 has been adequately covered -- it's Hollywood, entertainment, etc. and not completely accurate or realistic.

As far as #2 and #3 go, the shift work and the holidays are a part of the nursing schedule, and we've all discussed the issues and the ways of getting around it and having the schedule fit into your lifestyle (more or less).

As far as the other requests you made of understanding the pitfalls you might face and getting real life experiences and advice from other nurses, well, I believe we've all given you that. Perhaps you meant more nursing experiences, rather than life experiences, but you get the whole deal when you ask a nurse. As others have said, we do get psychology courses in nursing, and perhaps some people have tried to analyze you from the little info we have gotten from your postings. Yes, maybe many have jumped to conclusions from this, but you keep taking the bait man! We've only been trying to let you know what kind of man can cope with having a nurse as a wife. We dedicate our lives to helping others, and I agree with Sharon about it being extremely important that my husband is able to take the non-verbal cues from me and try to read me when I walk in the door after a 12-hour shift. It's great to be on the receiving end of the nurturing just once in awhile, and those days that he has my favorite meal and nice cold beer ready for me when I get home, along with a great footrub, are the days that I am once again thanking God that he sent me this angel. Don't forget -- you'll have your fair share of nurturing on all those days that your wife is off and waiting for you to get home so that she can return the favour! Believe me, we're all just trying to give you some constructive criticism here so that you can understand just a little bit more about being married to a nurse. And that was your original point of this, right?

NeedAdvice1234 · Apr 8, 2004

Needy -- let's try to get this straight... here is part of your original post:
I think #1 and #4 has been adequately covered -- it's Hollywood, entertainment, etc. and not completely accurate or realistic.
As far as #2 and #3 go, the shift work and the holidays are a part of the nursing schedule, and we've all discussed the issues and the ways of getting around it and having the schedule fit into your lifestyle (more or less).
As far as the other requests you made of understanding the pitfalls you might face and getting real life experiences and advice from other nurses, well, I believe we've all given you that. Perhaps you meant more nursing experiences, rather than life experiences, but you get the whole deal when you ask a nurse. As others have said, we do get psychology courses in nursing, and perhaps some people have tried to analyze you from the little info we have gotten from your postings. Yes, maybe many have jumped to conclusions from this, but you keep taking the bait man! We've only been trying to let you know what kind of man can cope with having a nurse as a wife. We dedicate our lives to helping others, and I agree with Sharon about it being extremely important that my husband is able to take the non-verbal cues from me and try to read me when I walk in the door after a 12-hour shift. It's great to be on the receiving end of the nurturing just once in awhile, and those days that he has my favorite meal and nice cold beer ready for me when I get home, along with a great footrub, are the days that I am once again thanking God that he sent me this angel. Don't forget -- you'll have your fair share of nurturing on all those days that your wife is off and waiting for you to get home so that she can return the favour! Believe me, we're all just trying to give you some constructive criticism here so that you can understand just a little bit more about being married to a nurse. And that was your original point of this, right?

Exactly!!!! When I said pitfalls...I ment the stuff maybe i didn't think of like i dunno.. ummmm say every x-mas the husbands are required to play santa clause or something... i don't want to make the pitfalls a big issue since certain people in here don't understand the english language! But YESSSSSSSSSS all i wanted to know is what I asked....Thank you for being the first one to realize there is no hidden meanings...

zambezi, BSN, RN · Apr 8, 2004

There has been lots of "converstaion" about many of the topics and issues you may face with having your fiance be a nurse. YOu have gotten a lot of good advice.

Bottom line is: If you love your fiance, you can make it work. YOu will support her in her endeavors and she will support you in yours. That sounds storybook and of course, real life has its ups and downs and pitfalls, but it is done every day by thousands of hospital and shift workers daily. Marriage is a give and take relationship. Life/work, etc may bring bumps but if you can work together and learn to understand eachother you can get through anything. It is all about balance.

NeedAdvice1234 · Apr 8, 2004

Anywho, you came here, I REPEAT, to get some insight into what makes a marriage work.

OK #1 lets see if we can understand. I will go slow... IIII Neverrrrrrr Askedddd Anyoneeeee Howwwww Toooo Makeeee Aaaaa Marriageeeee Workkkk!!! I asked for insights to the nursing profession. To clear up some outright fears of mine...and to see if there is anything I should worry about in nursing that either me or my girl have not come across...For example... Health coverage may be better if she was under my plan or mine under hers because blah blah blah....NOTTTT ASKINGE ABOUT HEALTH COVERAGE ITS HYPOTHETICAL!!!

Ok I will allow you to take a break to review that point...make sure you understand it...because everything I been talking about u took left field approaches too... I'll wait

OK were back .....no not over there over here

If you live to be 150 you will never understand what it means to be a nurse, or how hard we work. We WORK, day in and day out! You obviously have no clue whatsoever what a nurses role is, but then you may just get your ideas of nursing from "All My Children".

Once again a nice contradiction and personal attack I take it???

You tell me your hubby understand you and reads you like a book... well then he has some idea about what you do.... I'm sorry but FOR THE RECORD I could not do what a nurse does it takes a special person to deal with that stuff day in and day out....but tell me.... do you think you can understand my JOB??? Probally not...Not a fair statement to make when the same applies to you!!

Ok I will allow you yet another break to review that point

Well, we've all been trying, and you aren't hearing what you want to hear, apparently. My husband said that you just don't get it; you'll end up eating by yourself, and that you aren't marrying a maid. Fetching dinner is preferable to eating alone.

Noooooooo your not trying .... your telling me that i am a bad guy and how i want to controll my wife and marry a maid!!! Find one post of mine that I state that...go ahead anywhere... find it...... try harder...Oh wait I never said or implied that!!! I thought details were apart of your JOB!!! I guess not...

I suggest you read my origanl post one more time..and have hubby help you get through the tough words.!!!

Like when you are in Triage (look it up; I'm not going to bother explaining it to you)

No explination necessary.... I went to college! ITS NOT A MEDICAL TERM!! It means to sort out by importance... its a word however most commonly used in medical fields!! and yes I do know how it applies.

because you would be bugging the out of me for stupid stuff like when is my room going to be ready...blah blah blah and interfering with my job. But then again you're obviously much too thick to understand the subtleties of nursing, this profession, and especially what it means to work ER. I guess you're "above" all that.

Lets see.... is this another attack on my personality from a oringal post you can read by yourself? I think soo..... trust me I am afriad to be under your care....... especially since you don't seem to know what the hell your talking about half the time.

As for "seeing what your future holds", I see frozen dinners. Lots and lots of frozen dinners. Or maybe living with your parents for a long, long time.

Another great assumption based on no facts... Fact of the matter is...I cook for my girl now..make her meals for work and yes make dinner for the nights she has classes... I WORKED IN A ITALIAN RESTURNAT TIL I WAS 20

I'll say it again, grow up. Please don't marry this girl while you are so freaked out over minutiae. Give it 5, 10, 15 years. Bukko may be right.

Minutiae--- thats a big old college word... Now where did u learn that???

Get a job,

Got one....if u could read I stated exactly where I work and What I do!!

another degree, go to college or grad school.

All three obtained thanks!

Be less dependent upon the opinions of others and quit freaking at those who are trying to give you the help you so desperately need

***Broken record playing in the background**

God how the hell did u get through nursing school when you lack reading skills... ONCE AGAIN........I ASKED FOR INSIGHT ON HOW NURSES HANDLE EVERYDAY LIFE WITH THEIR SCHDULES.... You offered points on how i am screwed up for not being supportive. It sounds to me like your apart of a very large womans liberal group that bashes men..........You have this idea stuck in your skull on how i want to prevent my wife from being a nurse and how i want suzy homemaker yadda yadda yadda.... You would be surprised how Independent I really am!!!! More independent then you... cuz I got noone cooking me dinners rubbing my feet or offering me beers when i get home...I DO THAT FOR HER>.... why?? BECAUSE I AM SUPPORTIVE

you must be a blonde !

NeedAdvice1234 · Apr 8, 2004

You know, NeedAdvice1234, I can see where you are coming from here. As someone who doesn't have much knowledge of the medical field, I'm sure you are wrought with worries. My husband was the same way when i first started school. I think you may just be worried about having time for one another. It does take a LOT of effort, but marriage in general takes a lot of effort.
Listen to your fiance. She KNOWS more about the field than you do. Talk to her openly. I'm sure if you let her know that you are feeling like you might be second to her job, that she can help you to see how she is going to make time for you.
Also, if having children is a concern, figure this. The majority of nurses are female, and MANY of them are mothers. I am a mom myself. We learn how to balance things. It's not always easy, but we do it. And moms in general will sacrifice their own wishes for the good of the kids and hubby. SO I'm SURE if you both want kids, you can work things out. As others have mentioned, she will likely have lots of flexibility with her schedule after a year or so. It may even work out so that you don't need daycare. And that is WONDERFUL.
Talk to her openly. Best wishes to you both.

Thank you for that.... actually i have discussed this issue with my girl over the past weekend.... I tried to listen to her...but it was hard to take her advice since see is so new... Kinda like if you go to a mechanic and says i was trained to fix your car just never fix a car yet.... You think he knows what he is talking about but you feel more confortable asking someone who has been in the profession awhile....funny thing is.... alot of what she told me is exactly what the GOOD NICE PEOPLE WHO CARE IN HERE.. have told me... you being one of the good ones... She is all for the postings I made because she wants to know what she should look out for before she makes any mistakes.. like getting locked into a rotation she never thought was possible or getting gipt on pay rates.