Normally, I have moments where I am down, but I tend to perk myself up. Maybe I never hit that happy elation, but I certainly hardly ever feel depressed. The past couple of days have just been pretty bad. I have to vent, and maybe I will feel better. And maybe to those who respond, I may be offered something I missed in my wallowing in self-pity. So, what is going on...lots of things. Here goes.
1. I got a job in OB that starts the 16th. I have been really looking forward to this since this is why I went into nursing. I did my focused practicums there. The director apparently liked me and "created" a position for me. She then told my instructor about this. I am a very dedicated student and work hard for my grades. I study hard and put so much effort into my care plans and papers. I tend to get the highest score in clinical in class. This quarter is no different...I received a 98% (not because of getting a job but because of my research into my papers) Where am I going with this is that one of my best friends (friend A) works in the same unit as an RN. She recently told me that the staff and her were talking about me and they pretty much think that me getting hired is just stupid since there was no position advertised. And that I was going to "steal hours". I fear they see me as a threat. She then "jokingly" suggested I get a job at another facility since my job would probably only be per diem, according to her. At first, I was heartbroken that my friend would actually talk about me this way at my future place of employment before I even got there and WHY would she even tell me something like this. Then, I got mad, and let her know what I thought of this behavior. I wonder if maybe this has anything to do with the attention I have been receiving lately from the director and from instructor.
2. I have another friend B who was going to throw a graduation party for me. It was supposed to be a surprise, but then above mentioned friend A decided to throw a party the night before. I guess a promise was made that this weekend would be to celebrate my graduating. So, my friend became upset and cancelled this surprise party. Friend B said that she would instead take me and another good friend out to dinner. It isn't that I want her to spend money on me, I just appreciated the guesture. This has been planned for about a week and a half. Yesterday, friend B asked, "so what are we going to do tomorrow?" I told her it was her game. She said, "well since you are so busy, how about we just don't do it." Yeah, soooo busy that I sit in front of my monitor now, tapping away.
Then Friend A (OB unit RN friend) tells me today that the only reason she decided to do her party(which was unrelated to my graduation) the night before my "secret" graduation party was because she knew friend B would get upset and cancel (issue with jealousy, I think). I was stunned that she would pull that kind of crap. So, really both of my friends let me down. Friend B, for just flaking out period. Friend A for her backhanded witchyness (due to censoring, I don't mean that with a W. )
3. My husband went camping and MAY be attending my graduation tomorrow. It depends if he makes it home in time. Ok, some of you may think that perhaps I let him walk all over me for allowing him to do this. That is ok, I know what it reads like. Sounds pathetic, but the opposite is true. He does his thing and I do mine. Usually no problem with it. I told him, that him going was his own decision to make and he should do pros and cons before deciding. Well, I guess a night out at the river, drinking ,and doing Lord knows what else is more important.
4. Lastly, My mom can't see me graduate because she lives in Virginia and I live in Washington and both of us are too poor to have her fly out. I have no other family besides my kids and hubby to see me graduate. I was ok with this until my freinds starting acting wierd on me.
So, there is alot coming down the few days before I graduate. I was so excited about it. Now, I feel as it is bittersweet because my friends aren't what they make themselves out to be, my husband is a flake. But the sweet part is that I DO graduate tomorrow and can say "good-bye" to school forever, if I so choose. I ended my school career with a bang with awesome grades. My instructor even pulled me aside and told me how proud he was of me, and that the last paper I wrote for him was the best he had read from our program, ever. (Got to toot my own horn, here. .)
I know that this whole emotional episode will pass. Like I said earlier, these episodes are very infrequent...and thank God for that! I am also pretty aware that it could also be all of these changes that are occurring...you know, from student to new graduate nurse.
Well, to those that actually read this lengthy post, I thank you. I feel better allready. I am going to try to not be stuck in this defeatist mode for the rest of the night because I WANT to have a good time tomorrow, and keep in sight what tomorrow's ceremony symbolizes.
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