Do Not Enter - No Boys Allowed; Setting Boundaries

Just like the diligent homeowner taking care of his property, setting and maintaining boundaries is hard work. Many issues arise when people do not have healthy boundaries. Get your fence built and take care of your property. Nurses Announcements Archive Article

DO NOT ENTER - NO BOYS ALLOWED!!!

As a child, my family took yearly vacations to a location that was more than 1,000 miles away. That meant many long hours in the car, sharing the back seat with my older brother. YUCK!! We were permitted to take things with us to keep us occupied for the long journey....... coloring books, comic books, games, Barbies, etc. This was well before the time of DVD players mounted in the car. We didn't even have a tape deck. But we did have seat belts which Dad insisted we wear at all times.

This was back in the day when sedans were huge. Good thing, because my brother and I needed our own space. We would draw an imaginary line down the center of the seat, a line that we were not allowed to cross.....unless we had the other person's permission. This arrangement worked out well....most of the time. Oh....we still argued, but we stayed out of each other's personal space.

I also remember the little cabin that my brother and his friends built in our back yard. It was a very cool cabin with windows and a roof that you could raise on one side. And I also remember that it had a lock on the door.........to keep out all girls. I admit that my best friend and I figured out a way to sneak in when my brother was gone. We were trespassing, I guess. My friend and I decided we would make our own cabin......well, more of a tent that wasn't too sturdy. But it was our space......a place where we could play with our Barbies all day long. And the best part was the sign on the front....... DO NOT ENTER - NO BOYS ALLOWED!

These are examples of boundaries. Physical boundaries such as signs, locks, and doors are easy to see. Although they differ in appearance, they still have the same message: This is where my property begins. The owner of the property is responsible for what happens on his or her property.

Other boundaries, such as personal boundaries, are not as easy to see. Just as a homeowner sets physical boundaries around his or her property such as a fence or a hedge, we need to set mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual boundaries for out lives to help us distinguish what we are responsible for.

A personal boundary is an invisible fence around our personal space. Boundaries are to keep people from abusing us, trespassing on our turf in an attempt to control us or to try to get us to do something we really don't want to do. Boundaries define us, who we are and who we are not...our feelings, beliefs, values, choices, desires, attitudes, limits, behaviors, actions. A boundary shows us where we end and someone else begins, which leads to an sense of ownership.

Like the homeowner, we are responsible for everything within our boundaries, but we are not responsible for what is in someone else's back yard. We should not try to gain control of or be forced to take responsibility of what is within someone else's boundaries.

All of us have to interact with others.....others who have their own boundaries. We will need to rely on others to help us set and keep boundaries. We have relationships of varying degrees of familiarity. But even within the closest of relationships, boundaries still need to be honored.

Setting boundaries and maintaining them is hard work. We all know people...friends, family members, co-workers, patients, bosses......who trample all over our boundaries. They become indignant at the thought of boundaries and want to have total control over everything and everyone. On the other end of the spectrum are those who have difficulty setting limits, unable to say no or stand up for themselves.

I'm sure you have encountered boundary issues and how they can wreak havoc in the workplace. Some examples are:

  • Getting stuck with another's responsibilities
  • Having to work too much overtime
  • Getting called in on your day off
  • Difficult co-workers
  • Critical attitudes
  • Staff shortage
  • Misplaced priorities
  • Conflicts with authority
  • Taking work-related stress home
  • Disliking your job
  • Overcommitment
  • Burnout

Feel free to tell your stories of boundary issues and how you have dealt with them.

As nurses, we also need to set and maintain professional boundaries. This is addressed in another blog entry, Caution! Don't Cross that Line - Maintaining Professional Boundaries.

For other articles by this author, go to Body, Mind, and Soul

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Specializes in Peds, Med-Surg, Disaster Nsg, Parish Nsg.
LadyJane,

This is the book, that changed my perspective on boundaries...excellent!

Peace!

As I was reading that book, I wondered........Where in the world has this book been??? I should've read this years and years ago!!! I too, have given it or recommended it to several people.

I think it should be required reading for anyone going into nursing. Because nurses are generally compassionate and caring people.....the kind who take care of everyone but themselves, they are more prone to feel guilty about saying no, more apt to have their boundaries trampled upon.

Specializes in LTC, wound care.

I ordered this book. I think that if I had better boundaries, then I'd be much less likely to be treated like a doormat, when I have tried to be a good Christian and help everyone. Thanks so much for this recommendation.

jane

Specializes in Peds, Med-Surg, Disaster Nsg, Parish Nsg.

Wonderful!!! Let me know what you think of it after you read it.

Specializes in retired from healthcare.
Boundary violations. In one month 3 nursing staff were fired and reprimanded by the state nursing board for

dating patients. Interesting,these 3 nurses were female.

Dating patients? I think it makes a difference which patients we're talking about.

I have also heard of a legal limitation that says you should not date them until several months after services have ended.

It also makes a difference what motivates the the health worker to have a relationship with them.

Specializes in retired from healthcare.

How can I get my co-workers to understand that I DO NOT want to argue with them and I DO NOT want to have a big confrontation or a big production??

We have work to do, it needs to get done right now and our employer does not pay us to have a big confrontation during the time when we are supposed to be finishing our work.

I notice also sometimes that I get no credit for complying with their requests. They just want to have a confrontation and an argument. They keep it going even as I carry out their requests.

Why do they want to have an argument with people who are trying to comply with their obligations?

I have tried avoiding eye contact, not answering them and agreeing with what they say, and doing what they ask and it does not do any good.

In a lot of work places, the demonic controllers drive out the good people.

Specializes in Med-Surg, ICU.

*sigh* Unfortunately, going down your list, I feel like my current job as all of these characteristics and more! Nurses who dump all kinds of tasks on me at the end of my shift when I'm trying to go home. Example: having to do stuff like NG tubes etc. I was literally chased down the hall by a coworker when I had my purse and lunchbox in hand to walk out the door (when I already handed off report) to start an IV on a combative patient that wasn't even mine! The nurse hadn't even tried to stick the patient either! So annoying! Annnnd, having worked the night before, gotten off at 7 a.m. only to have the charge nurse call me at 2 pm, wanting me to come in early for my next shift that was at 7 pm that evening! :madface: So mad! I refuse to do that kind of crap anymore, because there's no way any of my coworkers would return the favor. I'm trying to find work elsewhere needless to say...I love nursing! I just don't like how ridiculous things have gotten at my current job.

Specializes in Peds, Med-Surg, Disaster Nsg, Parish Nsg.
Dating patients? I think it makes a difference which patients we're talking about.

I have also heard of a legal limitation that says you should not date them until several months after services have ended.

It also makes a difference what motivates the the health worker to have a relationship with them.

The facility in which you work may have specific regulations for dating or having sexual relationships with patients.

In addition, The National Council of State Boards of Nursing says this about sexual misconduct:

If the client/patient consents and even if the client initiates the sexual conduct, a sexual relationship is still considered sexual misconduct for the health care professional. It is an abuse of the nurse-client relationship that puts the nurse's needs first. It is always the responsibility of the health care professional to establish appropriate boundaries with present and former clients.

This refers to professional boundaries for the nurse which I will discuss in another segment.

Specializes in Peds, Med-Surg, Disaster Nsg, Parish Nsg.
How can I get my co-workers to understand that I DO NOT want to argue with them and I DO NOT want to have a big confrontation or a big production??

We have work to do, it needs to get done right now and our employer does not pay us to have a big confrontation during the time when we are supposed to be finishing our work.

I notice also sometimes that I get no credit for complying with their requests. They just want to have a confrontation and an argument. They keep it going even as I carry out their requests.

Why do they want to have an argument with people who are trying to comply with their obligations?

I have tried avoiding eye contact, not answering them and agreeing with what they say, and doing what they ask and it does not do any good.

In a lot of work places, the demonic controllers drive out the good people.

*sigh* Unfortunately, going down your list, I feel like my current job as all of these characteristics and more! Nurses who dump all kinds of tasks on me at the end of my shift when I'm trying to go home. Example: having to do stuff like NG tubes etc. I was literally chased down the hall by a coworker when I had my purse and lunchbox in hand to walk out the door (when I already handed off report) to start an IV on a combative patient that wasn't even mine! The nurse hadn't even tried to stick the patient either! So annoying! Annnnd, having worked the night before, gotten off at 7 a.m. only to have the charge nurse call me at 2 pm, wanting me to come in early for my next shift that was at 7 pm that evening! :madface: So mad! I refuse to do that kind of crap anymore, because there's no way any of my coworkers would return the favor. I'm trying to find work elsewhere needless to say...I love nursing! I just don't like how ridiculous things have gotten at my current job.

Both of these responses are example of boundary conflicts among people with different types of characteristics. The co-workers who want to argue are definitely controllers. In the second example, the nurses who are dumping on others are also controllers. These are agressive controllers. They have no respect for others' boundaries.

On the other side is the one who wants to comply.....the compliant. ( This actually is a category) They feel guilty and/or controlled by others. The compliant needs to speak up and maintain their boundaries.

I will address other types of boundary problems by category in another segment.

Specializes in LTC, MDS.
Regarding the section which I highlighted......are these nurses "repeat offenders"? If so, they are manipulating you. They know you can't say no. They will continue to do this as long as you let them, and that really does no one any favors in the long run.......especially you. The word will get out that you are a softie and others will do the same. You are going to get burned out and your resentment will build up. Saying no is not always wrong. In this case, not saying no is wrong.

Thanks for posting.

They are repeat offenders. I am getting better at saying no, with the help of a couple of other nurses who see what's happening, and my DON. Thanks!

Specializes in Peds, Med-Surg, Disaster Nsg, Parish Nsg.

Saying no can be difficult for some. I'm glad you have others to back you up and give you support. You can't change those offenders.... You can only change the way you react to their requests. They have to change themselves.

Keep us updated.

Specializes in Peds, Med-Surg, Disaster Nsg, Parish Nsg.

Moved to General Nursing Discussion.