death

tai · Nov 6, 2001

hi renee and donna

i've just read about the death of your mother renee, and can not imagine what you have gone thru.

i had abit of a weird day today...where my self esteem was low and nothing felt right in my life.., so i read afew letters from my friends around the world, trying to find methods to build me up, instead, i found a letter from my mother, this was pretty much her last letter to us all, while traveling to look for a cure, and just reading it again really made me break down, as if she had just died today....man, the things we experience aye,

bless yous all

tai

semstr · Nov 6, 2001

Hi Tai,

I am very sorry your mother isn't alive anymore, but mine is.

i think you read it wrong, it was Dennis' mother dying that young and I encouraged her to write and talk about it, which she did!!

Dennie what a story!!

When I read it, I thought again; there are no coincendenses in life!

All is planned by a higher power, whatever you call this power, God, Allah, Javeh, Buddah or Ghost.

and although it is so hard to understand why something happens at a certain time, afterwards when you are able to reflect on it, often years later, you can say hey, so now I know why.

Well not always, there are certain things we "little people" with our very small human brains, will never be able to comprehend, but I guess that's part of the plan too.

Tai, the thing with that letter is something special too, and that is the way your mother said goodbye to you, just for you.

Take care, both of you, God (that's my power) bless you, Renee

tai · Nov 6, 2001

hi renee

i thought i got it wrong...ummm, i guess the story hit me that hard that i forgot who the story belonged too..but thank you for the reminder.

i also never thought of the letter as a farewell from my mum to us/me...wow, its funny how other people see what you cant.

bless you and thank you.

tai

CATHYW · Nov 7, 2001

A doc that WASN"T on call coming in at 0300 because his expired pt's nurse was taking the death hard? That man is a gem! You were very fortunate that this man took his profession seriously. Wow!

CATHYW · Nov 7, 2001

Tai and Dennie, my heart goes out to you. Today Nov. 7, is my mother's 74th birthday. she lives another state away, and we don't see each other often, but just knowing that she is there means everything. I have been with others at the time they've lost their mothers (one on Christmas morning!), and there is no other way to say it-it's rough!

Dennie, my goodness, what a thing for a 12 year old to experience. Thank goodness your Grandma and the ambulance folks were there.

My mother's youngest sister passed away in 1967 at the age of 36 from complications from bilateral breast CA. Her daughter, the oldest, was 12, also. Your story hit me hard, because of thinking of the loss from my cousin's perspective. Wow!

I hope today is a better day for you all.

Cathy

Scarlette · Nov 7, 2001

I'm a new nurse (only 5 weeks on the job) and just experienced my first patient death early this morning. I was in the room helping another nurse and the patient slumped over, gasped for a few minutes and passed away. It was an "expected" death but it didn't ease the pain at all. The mother of the woman and her brother was there when it happened. I kept begging the woman to take another breath but she died. I was okay at first with it, but when the mom started to cry I lost it. Luckily there were 3 other nurses in the room at that point so I politely excused myself and went into the med room and sobbed for a few minutes. I've experienced death with family members and a friend, but I've never been there when someone took their last breath. I'm glad the woman isn't suffering anymore but it was horrible the way she was gasping for her last breaths. I had 5 hours left on my shift and it was the worst 5 hours I've ever experienced at a job.......I cried all the way on my drive home...............

hoolahan, ASN, RN · Nov 8, 2001

Scarlette, this is exactly what I was referring to. I am assuming your co-workers understood why you excused yourself from the room. Did any of them come to you to see if you were OK? I sincerely hope so. Even if a nurse doesn't start to cry, we still need to tell each other it's OK and be there for each other, ask if the person wants to talk about it. For whatever reason, tho we may only know a pt 30 min before they die, they may have touched us in some way.

Dennie, I am so sorry you had to go thru that at such a tender age. I am glad that you shared this with us.

nicola · Nov 8, 2001

I just think this is the coolest thread! Americans tend to deny death and not talk about it. When it visits us, and it inevitably does, we push thru it and try to get on asap. A good friend of my family recently lost her husband - not unexpectedly, but awfully. Her sibs are telling her "He's buried. Get over it and get on with life." Mind you, he died last week! Sigh. It's good to know that there are loving people around who aren't afraid to cry or to talk about death. Y'all are the best!

KatWright · Nov 8, 2001

Scarlette

I work on an Oncology unit and have for years. We also have Hospice patients on our unit. Some times we get the terminal weans (adult only) and others that are actively dying. "We do dying so well" In other words, other units are uncomfortable with it.

I have often cried with the family members, the families that we have known for years during the cancer therapy and the families that we have only known for a few hours. It all depends, and I don't even know what it depends on ;-))

Sometimes the situation calls for a good cry. The family needs a hug, I need a hug and, well, that usually starts the waterfall.

OK, so you need to carry your mascara in your purse and your nose will be pink for a while, but it is necessary to get it out. You'll feel better and you know, the families usually are unaware that WE grieve too, over their loss and ours.

We had our Cancer Center Rememberance Ceremony the other night and it was sooooooooo wonderful to see how well these families are doing. Oh, they have their good days and bad, and sometimes they are getting along minute by minute, but they are able to come back to the place where their loved one died and celebrate their life.

One of the nurses wrote a poem (with a little input from other nurses) that told the family just how much we do care, how much we grieve and how much we remember their family member. There was not a dry eye in the house !! The MD that did a talk during the program came over to give her a kiss and hug and HE had tears in his eyes (As a matter of fact, he had to stop a few times duing his 5 minute talk to regain composure !! and he's been doing this for 31 YEARS !!!)

OK, so you cried. Thats OK, thats good and I would rather you cry than build a wall so that you cannot touch your patients and have them touch you.

Just smile and remember a neet thing that the patient (or family) told you about them!!

I took care of a big burly retired policemen and as his kids and I were standing around the bed with tears running down our faces, one of the daughters told a story about him. He was a rookie, on a funeral detail. It was a Catholic Mass (a long one) so the Captain told the detail to go across the street to the pub. So they did. When the Mass was over, they wobbled back to the church, the casket was brought out on the rolling platform. Since the rookie officers were a bit tipsy, someone missed a step and the casket slid all the way down the long cement stairway. Luckily the family hadn't made it out of the church yet, so when they did the officer had already picked up the casket and were putting it in the herse for the ride to the cemetary.

We were all laughing soooo hard that when the priest came in to see the family he thought he had the wrong room !!!

I sit here now and smile, thinking about this man who was soooo funny. When he no longer had the strength to void (prostate problems) he told me that he needed the catheter......"But I don't want the Irish one" (I'm thinking......WHAT IS HE TALKING ABOUT???????) I said "Irish?" He said "Yeah you know Foley"

I kept a straght face and reassured him that I would get a #18 FRENCH catheter. He was happy with that and it went in easy as slicing soft butter !!! He died the next day surrounded by love.

How cool is that.

You are OK, Scarlette !! Don't ever think differently

Kat

Scarlette · Nov 10, 2001

Ok guys.......when will I stop crying???? I feel like an idiot now...it's been 3 days and I can cry at the drop of a hat....I'm crying while I write this...I'm so pathetic! Guess it's time to face my inner demons. When will I get over this? This wasn't my patient, I was only with her for 10 minutes or so and the way my emotions are running you'd think she was a family member of mine. Why is this so difficult for me? I'm usually not an emotional person like this. Now I feel like some kind of cry baby...the worst part is that I have to pull myself together and go to work in 2 hours....first day back to work since it happened.

Cubby · Nov 11, 2001

I am sorry for your loss. I have been in nursing for over 22 years, and yes it still hurts somewhat when I lose a resident. But I am glad that I get to help that person 'cross over' No one gets to live forever and I know that when it comes my time to die, I want someone there who will help me 'cross over' with the same dignity and care that I hopefully give to my residents. So remember, when you feel the hurt that comes with the kind of work you do it is ecause you do it very well.

semstr · Nov 11, 2001

hy Scarlette,

please see my "reply" under the thread crying= etc.!

Take care, I am going to sleep!

Renee