death

betts · Nov 18, 2001

My thoughts are with you. I hope this poem helps you deal with your sorrow.

I'm Free"

Don't grieve for me; for now I'm free,

I'm following the path God laid for me.

I took His hand when I heard Him call,

I turned my back and left it all.

I could not stay another day,

To laugh, to love, to work or play.

Tasks left undone must stay that way,

I found that place at the close of day.

If my parting has left a void,

Then fill it with remembered joy.

A friendship shared; a laugh, a kiss,

Ah yes, these things; I too, will miss.

Be not burdened with times of sorrow,

I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.

My life's been full; I savored much,

Good friends, good times, a loved one's touch.

Perhaps my time seemed all too brief,

Don't lengthen it now with undue grief.

Lift up your heart and share with me,

God wanted me now; He set me free.

Author unknown

hoolahan, ASN, RN · Nov 19, 2001

Betts, thank you for posting that, it is beautiful.

We had a resident of our independent living facility murdered in cold blood right in front of our Home Health Aides' eyes! Their supervisor on eves also saw the body, and it has very very taumatic for all of them. I forgot that these HHA's may not have ever worked in a hospital or in hopsice, so they are really freaked out, not just by the violence, by death itself, by the fact that they do not feel safe in their work environments anymore, it's been a really rough week.

This man was a pt of mine thru VNA as well. His case manager and nurse for years, at least 6, is wrecked. When I tell you this guy was the most amazing person I know, it is not an understatement. I am still finding out more of his good deeds as more people share stories of Lou. He even spent a phenomenal amount of time working on the Megan's laws issues.

Anyway, I am printing this out on pretty paper and posting it in the HHA station. I think it will give them some comfort. Thanks again Betts.

Michelle_nurse · Nov 19, 2001

Canoehead, your post last month about "connecting with the family is not the job, it is what you give from yourself" really hit me. I am a geriatric nurse. I have been working as a nurses aid in geriatrics for almost 4 years now, but recently graduated as an RN.

I have had many patients die on and off my shifts, and sometimes it hurts more than others, I work in a LTC hospital only for war veterans, and it is normal for a floor to completely be replaced by new patients.

Because the patients live at the hospital, (there are active and sicker patients), the patients begin to feel like family sometimes, in certain cases. We see them and their families daily, and it can really hurt to see a patient get sick and quickly die.

I still feel like it is hard to deal with the families, at times.

Often I don't know what I am supposed to say. I know it is a difficult moment, and they will always remember who they dealt with when their loved one died.

I don't want to say the wrong thing, I don't want to invade in their private time, and I feel like I shouldn't be hugging them and crying (although I usually cry when they're not looking). This is usually the case when I don't know the family well.

I had one of my favorite patients die one night, and it hurt a lot, cause I had cared for him for almost 2 years, and when his family came, I had never met them. (they didn't visit). It felt like they thought I was just a nurses aid, doing my job. But to me, it felt like more than that. I was holding this patients hand, left the room for a minute, came back and he was dead............I was so upset cause I didn't want him to die alone, and I missed it by a minute........then the family came.

hoolahan, ASN, RN · Nov 28, 2001

Michelle, sometimes you don't have to say anything. Just be there, place your arm on a shoulder, have tissues ready. Offer some coffee. These little kindnesses are the things people remember. WE used to have these great overhead warmers on the CT ICU, so after we cleaned the person up, we dimmed the lights, and kept the warmer on to the last possible minute, so the person would still feel warm.

If the resident spoke of anyone share that, and if appropriate, reassure them that the person was not in any pain, and if possible, that they didn't die alone (if it's the truth. If they flat out ask you with that wide-eyed anxious look, he didn't die alone, did he, frankly, my advice is to lie, and say, no. I am sure God would forgive you for that one. What could having them go home feeling guilty over thier loved one dying alone possibly accomplish? The person would not want anyone to suffer over that I bet!)

We camped out at my grandpa's bedside for 2 weeks, and I swear he waited for the minute we all went to get coffee to die. I truly believe that some people "want" to be alone at that time. Others I have seen hang on for hours with practically no BP until family made it in from out of town. So, Michelle, it may have been he needed some privacy for his moment. I am sure he was grateful for the time you did spend with him. {{{{{MIchelle}}}}}

Betts, I had to bring this back up, so I could thank you a million times for posting that poem. The response has been overwhelming. I took it in and taped it in the same spot on the window where Lou's obit was posted. Everytime someone read it, they asked one of the aides to make them a copy. All of the aides made copies. Then I found out yesterday that Lou's sisters were in his apartment removing all of his things this past week, and they saw it and asked for copies. It has touched a great many people. You did a very sweet thing by posting it here, and your kindness is being multiplied a thousand fold! I had a chance to speak to the one HHA I was most worried about yesterday, she said she was very moved by the poem. I also shared with her how when we had lost several peds pt's in a week once, our manager called for a critical stress debrief. I told her how it really helped, since I was always thinking I had to be strong, then I found out, everyone was feeling the same way. She then said, that was just how she felt, like she needed to be strong, and for her to talk about it was a weakness. All of this, b/c she felt that when I put up the poem, I really understood how she felt, so she trusted me. Which is good, b/c out critical stress debrief person cancelled on me, so I had to get them some help by other ways, like giving phone numbers and forms, but not really what I had hoped to do for them

Has anyone ever participated in a critical stress debrief? Do you think it helped? I did, just wondering.

{{{{{betts}}}}}

betts · Nov 28, 2001

Life is no brief candle to me. It is sort of a splendid torch which I have got hold of for the moment,and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations.

George Bernard Shaw

I've been in nursing a long-time and have used many 'tools' in the healing process and morale. I was always told that if I kept my Heart and Head going in the right direction that I'd never have too worry about my feet.

KIWIRN · Nov 28, 2001

Your stories are beautiful and all of them sad. I have found that patients in my care dying is never easy, I always feel privileged, to share the death of a loved one and proud that I am there to give them the dignity they deserve.

I laugh with my patients and families when they are happy and i cannot help crying when sad stuff is happening,we are such a huge part of a person's life at times often nursing the same patient more than once.

We get to know our patients so intimately that I for one often cry but I no longer feel guilty about it, dying is a part of life to often ignored. Often a pt dying reminds me of lost friends and family and that is enough to set me off.

The one thing I can't abide is having a patient die alone, If I can I like to be there to hold their hand while they slip away, some times family don't make it in time and they like to know how, when and if they went peacefully. Staying with the patient gives you the chance to answer some of these questions when they are asked, I have several times stayed on past my shift in order to see the family and let them know I care and grieve with them.

My heart goes out to all of you who have lost loved ones, it IS hard to say goodbye. but they always live on in your memory (patients too).