Another burnt out nurse - questioning everything. . .

[AlphaPig]

I am an RN on a busy med-surg floor in a mid-sized hospital in the "bad" part of a southern city. I've been on the floor for a year, but also used to work on this floor as a new grad back in 2009 (I moved away from the area for a couple of years then returned). I work with good people for the most part but the hospital is just a disorganized mess. I used to enjoy working there and wanted to make it a better place. . .but these last couple of months I have lost all joy and just feel. . .nothing. Just dread. Just frustration. Physically sick when I think about/go to work. My coworkers have noticed although I try to hide it. I do the job and treat the pts well, but I just don't care anymore.

Also, I am in school at a large local university for my master's in nursing. . .which I was very excited about. . .and now I am thinking of quitting. The classes are all "theory" and paper writing and nothing clinical and speaking to the upper level students, they say even the CLINICAL classes aren't really clinical and NP's are graduating and passing boards without really ever even seeing patients or caring for them and are being thrown into jobs seeing 15-20 pts a day after just a few days of orientation! Scary stuff. And this is a "good" university with a reputation of having a good NP school.

I am questioning why I am doing this, why NP? Is it just because as a "smart girl" I feel pushed toward a higher degree? That as a single mom I feel the need to push myself and have a good career? I thought I wanted to work primary care focusing on geriatrics, but NP's face the same problems that RNs face. . .just with more responsibility and pressure.

I am questioning why I am a nurse. The 12 hr shifts are just killing me - before I was a single mom, it was no problem but now I come home after 13 exhausting hours and get my toddler from my mom and bath him and put him to bed and it is so late (his bedtime has been 9:30pm since he was an infant because of my schedule) and I am so tired and then I have to either spend the night at my mom's or drive to my apt for just a few hours of sleep before doing it all again.

I am torn between having the extra days off by working 2-3 12s a week. . .or having a more "normal" schedule so that my son will have a more normal schedule. Is it good for him to have such an exhausted mama?

I also think back to working as a professional in an office before I became a nurse. I changed careers because I wanted to do something completely new and because I was single back then and LOVED to travel all over the world and thought that as a nurse I would have the $$ and time to travel. Which I did - before becoming a mom I took weeks off at a time and traveled to south america and africa and asia and just loved it. Being a PRN 12 hr shift hospital nurse was PERFECT as a single gal in my 20s. Now? Not sure. . .

I feel so lost. I am in my mid 30's and just feel lost. And anxious and scared about my whole life. I feel the decisions I make now will affect me and my son forever. I care about my son so much and am so fearful of the future raising him by myself. My mom is so much help to me (I moved back here so she could help me) but her health is poor and she cannot do as much as she would like. Watching a toddler is exhausting for her even though she loves it. I try not to work 2 days in a row because it is too much for her.

I don't know what I am looking for - advice, other people's stories, just some people who maybe understand or who have been there. I look at my options - finding a job in nursing with better hours, leaving school/staying in school, leaving nurses entirely (I have other skills to fall back on but the pay wouldn't be as good), trying to get into an insurance company.

I do enjoy patient interaction. I love my patients, especially my elderly patients. I love getting to know them and helping them. I don't mind doing CNA work - when I have the time to bath a patient or help them ambulate or talk to family or just LISTEN to them, it is a good day. I have never been attracted to the critical side of nursing - thank god there are nurses who love it and work in our ICUs and ERs because I just couldn't do it. Very sick patients scare me.

I have played with the idea of working at an ALF or SNF, with 8 hr shifts, but the reputation of them around here is so awful and I fear that it would be brutal to work there.

As you can see. . .I am lost.

Thank you for reading my long post. I have been wanting to write it for a while, I just never had the time plus I always fear some people's responses on here.

[Bruth]

You sound at your wit's end, and exhausted to boot. This is not a good combination for decision making that will affect your future and that of your young son. However, I agree with the posting about looking for a job where you work weekend nights, (which would mean your mom would sleep through part of the 'shift' of caring for her grandson, thus lessening the burden on her) and if you could get child care during the day so you could sleep on the weekend days, you could have the weekdays to do your schooling and paper writing, and still have time to enjoy your son. It might be worth looking into. I know some hosopitals are desperate for full time night weekend staff and will promise almost anything to get you to sign on the dotted line, to sign up and save their butts. Nights are usually not as crazy as day shifts either, in my experience, and while you are schooling yourself to be a NP, you could be earing premuim dollars, and not burdening your mom too much either. Might be a win/win situation.

[wingding]

I forced myself to go through nursing school at 48yrs old after being laid off from my job of 15 years - graduated when I was 50 -- if for nothing else, then for the $$ job security to retirement. You do not like your job - you are schooling for NP / masters --- you have a child -- if for nothing else, then stay with it for the $$ job security for your child. Think back to your first nursing job -- weren't you thrown in after a few weeks of actual training, & left to sink or swim? Then it should be no problem as a NP --- You know your job, you know what you are doing --- get that education - support that child & when you are old & grey (50+) you can smile while you are telling your child to keep going - cheering her on to stay strong - & promising her it WILL be worth it!!! Do it now - so you aren't wishing you had & then realize you have to finish anyways!!!

[Susan1002]

Many good suggestions and loving comments. If it hasn't already been said, talk with EAP at your facility. I found the three appointments very beneficial for me to take some time with a knowledgeable person to sort a few things out and help me figure what would work for me at my point in my life.

[tamiwill1]

I'm a new nurse and already have that problem. The answer for me was to go with 8 hour shifts, so I can see my kids every day for more than an hour.

[judihh]

!Well it is hard work==perhaps for the time your son is so small you could pick a 8 hour schedule or you could choose to work part time and be a bit poorer. There are many choices for you. If you quit entirely what would you do ? You would have to choose something at less pay. One thing, you are lucky for your mother but she cannot do the 12 hr shifts either. So, I wish you good luck in finding work that will allow you also to be a good parent. There are many people who have traveled this path--perhaps HR at your work could help you sort it out. Good luck---something good might happen just around the corner!

[AlphaPig]

Just wanted to follow up on my OP. Thanks to a nasty virus, I had to take a few days off from work during the same period that my child's father was in town to watch my son. This led to me being able to actually SLEEP. . .a lot. . .and read some novels. . .and get caught up on school work. .and go for a few walks. . .

and I feel so much better about everything.

I am going to stay at my current job (where the people are nice and know me well) and stay in school. You are all right that school will pay off in the long run.

I am also going to put my son in school 3 days a week starting in Jan (he is 2) for about 6 hrs a day and use that time to do school work, exercise and SLEEP. His father has agreed to pay half the cost of the school (we think it will be good for him, too, to be around other children)

I am still stressed and tired and dreadfully out of shape. . but I feel better having had a few days of respite.

So thank you everyone for your advice and kind words.

[Esme12, ASN, BSN, RN]

thanks for the update....((HUGS))

[nurseprnRN, BSN, RN]

I'm so glad to hear it. Sometimes we have to listen to people who tell us to take care of ourselves. :) It's like they say on the airplanes: You have to put on your own oxygen mask first before helping others.

[NurseyMomma]

What home health care company do you work for if you don't mind me asking?

[LadyFree28, BSN, LPN, RN]

What home health care company do you work for if you don't mind me asking?

This post is WELL over a year old; what questions do you have...start a new post, and you way get a better response to your question. :)