I want OUT!!!!

classicaldreams · Dec 27, 2009

I want to thank all who responded. I have decided I'm not going out without a fight. I will fight to the bloody end if I have to.
In my personal life, I was always the kind who never gave a rat's azz about what people thought of me. I would hold my head up high and keep it moving. Even in my previous career, I was this way. I knew my job and I was very confident. I'm trying to find my way back to this way of thinking in nursing.
I've always been the type who let things roll of my back. I never really let things get me down to the point where I'm not eating. Of course, there were events that happened in my life that triggered situational depression. But I fought through those situations and came out on the other side. I know I can do it with this too.
I just hate the fact that someone else can dictate if you are a good nurse or not, or someone's else opinion of your nursing abilities can make or break you. It's like having my livelyhood in someone else's hands, instead of being in control of my own livelyhood.
I have decided I will see how I feel once I'm on my own. Maybe I just need to get out of orientation. I know I have my coworkers to ask questions to and for help if I need it.
I'm a strong believer in God and faith and I believe God put me in this position for a reason. What that is, I don't know yet, only time will tell.
Thank you all for your encourgement and support!

You are welcome.

After a few years, it is interesting to look back over your development as a new nurse. You'll learn to tune out those negative comments that aren't valid and learn from those comments that have merit.

I once worked with a brillant surgeon who took incredible risks. Sometimes those risks had amazing, positive, against the odds results. Other times those risks had deadly outcomes and resulted in a lot of pain and suffering. Of course, as a nurse, I don't take on risks like that surgeon, but there are occasions when I make decisions that have some element of risk. My point is, after a few years, you will have the confidence to make choices that are considered risky. Others may criticize you for your decisions, but ultimately it is you who must live with the outcomes. You'll come to master more of the science and time management of the ICU. After that comes the art, and for me, that is where the true challenge lies.

Best wishes,

Classicaldreams

SoundofMusic · Dec 27, 2009

Coming in late here, but you know, I could have written your post when I first started in nursing 2 years ago. As a smart new grad, I also started out in an ICU.

And those ICU nurses chewed on me for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I think they also took bites of me for in between meal snacks. LOL. I went home unstable, mentally a wreck, crying, doubting my existence on the face of the earth, etc. I went screaming and running from that ICU and found a stroke/tele unit.

No it wasn't ICU. Yes, it was a med surg type floor. Yes, I have had to relegate -- I had to HUMBLE myself to putting up with small problems, like patients who need their tray moved over 2 inches, or have lost their kleenex boxes. I have fetched coffee and done so many insigificant things on the floor in the name of customer service. Sort of like starting out on the ground floor.

However, I also learned a lot about telemetry, and without all the wires and hookups, I have actually honed my assessment skills to a point where my INSTINCTS matter more than any monitor. I have dealt with families for hours on end. Yes, it was a hassle, but I now have superior communication skills w/ families and with patients, because these patients talk to me -- and now, as I apply to grad school, they tell me communication skills are extremly VALUABLE. I understand what is normal and what isn't, and what needs to be transferred to a higher level of care. I have coded patients also time and time again after detecting very subtle changes.

I've also learned that I enjoy nursing somewhat, and I've enjoyed the camraderie of a floor because, well, we DO have a bit more time to relax and joke around. I've RELAXED as a nurse. I have also developed very good friendships w/ other nurses on my floor, which has been very nice. I take time to read -- and I have been able to putter and tinker a bit and really learn without the constant pressure of the ICU looming over me. I've learned from nurses who are more easy going, more forgiving. And I've learned to be one myself. But I have also learned to be very, very FAST with my skills. On a floor w/ 5-6 patients, you have to be. I have also developed very good BASIC skills, which ALL nurses need, even in the ICU. (and, if you come to the ICU w/o mastery of those basic skills, you WILL be fed to the ICU nurses as MEAT.)

Now after 2 years on this very heavy neuro floor, the neuro ICU nurses I see (we share a med room) are continously asking me when I'll come to work with them. They're very interested in my neuro background, and they know that I as a successful floor nurse, have my time management down. I could probably transfer to their floor right now since my contract is up -- but honestly, I have no desire to do so. They can go ahead and live in that pressure cooker, and I am going to start grad school for my FNP this year.

ICU is awesome if that's how your'e wired. I personally am not wired to be that way. Those nurses are under incredible pressure and they just don't have time to coddle anyone new. They have earned their stripes, and it's just not in them to baby. It's a rough environment -- so if you want to be in it, you have to be really rough and tough. I don't feel it's necessary to start there AT ALL. Life is long and you have many, many years in nursing to advance to that level. I guess I have a very health respect now for the ICU and I wish new grads weren't thrust into that position. We have one here that has a very, very strong preceptorship, and new grads are successful, but it isn't usually the case in other hospitals.

So, my advice is to chill, perhaps retreat temporarily to a tele floor, or intermediate care unit. and just learn the ropes at a more regulated pace. It's not a crime and it will built character and it will build a good foundation for you to transfer later to an ICU. No one will think any less of you for doing it. In fact, they'll probably admire you for your wisdom.

Just my .02.

chosen50 · Dec 27, 2009

In my length of time in nursing, I found this particular profession seems to be a magnet for a lot of people with self-esteem, self-worth...etc., issues. Look around, and you can pick them out. The ones who are afraid to call the doctors, the ones who are afraid to do anything from fear of failure, from fear of not being liked, from FEAR in general. AND not necessarily new...just broken.
If you don't deal with THOSE types of issues first... your insecurities are just enhanced with the nursing environment. When I say change the "inner driver."It means to change whatever it is that pulls you down. Change that inner voice from one of fear to belief in self. Change the language....change the thought pattern, the mindset.
Go for the hardest thing, and overcome it.
Interesting and also sad... this observation must come with more time and experience in the field,so I cannot disagree. I trust you reach out to the kind of individuals you described.:redpinkhe
As nurses, we do take risks and it's important to always have a sense of anxiousness and careful attention or caution-but not necessarily fear. Those attitudes are different. Thank God I'm not fearful:)

PostOpPrincess, BSN, RN · Dec 28, 2009

Interesting and also sad... this observation must come with more time and experience in the field,so I cannot disagree. I trust you reach out to the kind of individuals you described.:redpinkhe
As nurses, we do take risks and it's important to always have a sense of anxiousness and careful attention or caution-but not necessarily fear. Those attitudes are different. Thank God I'm not fearful:)
I have definitely supported those people, and some have listened and grown and some--there is just no help as they are so deep into that type of behavior, that there is no changing. A person has to make the decision to change or change his/her environment. I have known many who have put up with so much in their lives and continue to do so. They are very, very unhappy. But like everything else in life, it is a choice. When that road bifurcates, you have to choose the avenue you want to continue on. Some choose well....and some don't.
As for fear/trepidation related to SAFETY--That is a given--Anyone who is cocky enough to NOT THINK and just DO is a dangerous person/nurse. That is not the person whose life is based on FEAR. The one based on fear is afraid to do ANYTHING.
I think they are two different classifications.

chosen50 · Dec 28, 2009

I have definitely supported those people, and some have listened and grown and some--there is just no help as they are so deep into that type of behavior, that there is no changing. A person has to make the decision to change or change his/her environment. I have known many who have put up with so much in their lives and continue to do so. They are very, very unhappy. But like everything else in life, it is a choice. When that road bifurcates, you have to choose the avenue you want to continue on. Some choose well....and some don't.
As for fear/trepidation related to SAFETY--That is a given--Anyone who is cocky enough to NOT THINK and just DO is a dangerous person/nurse. That is not the person whose life is based on FEAR. The one based on fear is afraid to do ANYTHING.
I think they are two different classifications.
I totally agree.

SoundofMusic · Dec 28, 2009

Has anyone considered that maybe there aren't any ICU nurses in this particular nurse's situation that are all that great at teaching I mean -- at times it can sure seem that way. I think they get to the ICU because they're fast thinkers and good at what they do, but it doesn't mean that all of them have what it takes to teach it.

I think we're coming up w/ all sorts of reasons why this nurse can't "face her fears." Well, maybe some of these nurses just aren't all that great at precepting or communicating, and they're communicating the wrong messages to her.

I feel I am a good preceptor. I've been told I am, and some of our new grads ask to be w/ me. One thing I like to do is assign smaller tasks that build confidence. I teach the new grad to think, yet not in some sort of pressurized situation. We do a lot of looking back and discussing situations. I feel confidence building is really important.

I do not feel that I got any sort of consideration when I was a new nurse in an ICU. I was pecked, pressured, ridiculed, taunted, shamed, and constantly being second guessed by a very EVIL little ICU nurse who basically had it out for me. There was no desire in her heart to actually TEACH much of anything. She enjoyed breaking certain nurses that she happened not to like. And sadly, some of them know enough to be able to do that to intelligent, well-meaning and conscientous new grads. I feel it is truly a real sickness what some of them do to new nurses.

That's why I advise her to retreat and go somewhere more manageable for a while. She can grow her nursing legs and come back in a couple of years tougher and w/ good solid skills.

I think now after my own 2 years, I'd tend to just roll my eyes at that evil little ICU nurse and just laugh. :icon_roll

SoundofMusic · Dec 28, 2009

And I must add just two more cents. Knowing what i know now as a nurse, high pressure and being upset all the time ARE very detrimental to one's health. It can result in an MI, a stroke or whatever.

At the time I was in the ICU and over the top miserable, I was feeling physically horrible as well. This wasn't good for my body or my mind. I was a single parent w/ a spouse deployed, and it truly was just all too much.

For my health and welfare, I left. And I'm so darn glad. I still made the same amount of money, and gained more confidence and skills. I stayed healthier and feel and look much better now than I did even two years ago.

Nursing is just NOT something you learn overnight. It takes time. I dont know why people kill themselves to get into the ICU's right off the bat. I aspire to get there eventually, over time, when I'm ready. It's a great goal to have, and at that point, I'll know I've reached the top. And heck, we have many nurses on our little old med surg floor who WERE great ICU nurses, but now just work the floor as managers and as really great resource nurses. For them to be on the floor is a pleasure.

What I saw in the ICU's was that the nurses really seemed to love the med surg rn's coming to them w/ five years or MORE of nursing experience. They LOVED those nurses. And it was for good reason.

barlowjb · Dec 28, 2009

My former medical surgical preceptor thinks I did well during orientation and I truly appreciate that. However what she did for me in terms of building my confidence at the start of my new career as a registered nurse is priceless and I will always be grateful for that.

My preceptor helped to build my confidence by telling me that no question is a stupid question, she answered all my questions, during times of frustration she reminded me that she was once in my shoe, she was up front and honest with me during good and not so good situations, she pushed me to do better on a daily basis. Her strategy got even more intense towards the end of my orientation, but through it all despite her firmness and no nonsense attitude at times she was very understanding. My former preceptor has my utmost respect.

I agree with SoundofMusic's post. Some nurses who are excellent at what they do are just not cut out for training people, and woe to the orientee who ends up with them. I feel the same way about professors in nursing school - a few of them (only a few thank God) have a lot of knowledge but don't know how to impart what they know to students - and because of that they mess up a lot of students, some of whom get kicked out of nursing school - i have personally seen that happen.

The bottom line is that if you are a new grad, there is no guarantee that you will be paired up with the "perfect preceptor" and so you have to prepare yourself mentally for any type of preceptor that comes your way. Because at the end of the day that preceptor more or less has a guaranteed job, while you the new grad is still in orientation hoping to keep your job and transition successfully into your role as an independent nurse.

When its all said and done its your fight, not your preceptor's and as sad as that may sound, its true. I believe that if nursing grads think about all these previously mentioned factors, they will be less inclined to even think of quitting so soon, whether for real or in jest, because like i said in a previous post, we have worked too hard to get to where we are, to allow one person's attitude towards us to cause us to give up our dream.

PostOpPrincess, BSN, RN · Dec 28, 2009

My former medical surgical preceptor thinks I did well during orientation and I truly appreciate that. However what she did for me in terms of building my confidence at the start of my new career as a registered nurse is priceless and I will always be grateful for that.
My preceptor helped to build my confidence by telling me that no question is a stupid question, she answered all my questions, during times of frustration she reminded me that she was once in my shoe, she was up front and honest with me during good and not so good situations, she pushed me to do better on a daily basis. Her strategy got even more intense towards the end of my orientation, but through it all despite her firmness and no nonsense attitude at times she was very understanding. My former preceptor has my utmost respect.
I agree with SoundofMusic's post. Some nurses who are excellent at what they do are just not cut out for training people, and woe to the orientee who ends up with them. I feel the same way about professors in nursing school - a few of them (only a few thank God) have a lot of knowledge but don't know how to impart what they know to students - and because of that they mess up a lot of students, some of whom get kicked out of nursing school - i have personally seen that happen.
The bottom line is that if you are a new grad, there is no guarantee that you will be paired up with the "perfect preceptor" and so you have to prepare yourself mentally for any type of preceptor that comes your way. Because at the end of the day that preceptor more or less has a guaranteed job, while you the new grad is still in orientation hoping to keep your job and transition successfully into your role as an independent nurse.
When its all said and done its your fight, not your preceptor's and as sad as that may sound, its true. I believe that if nursing grads think about all these previously mentioned factors, they will be less inclined to even think of quitting so soon, whether for real or in jest, because like i said in a previous post, we have worked too hard to get to where we are, to allow one person's attitude towards us to cause us to give up our dream.

This is such an excellent, and realistic perspective.

You've learned to be flexible and to cope with your environment. Good for you! :yeah:

shoegalRN, RN · Dec 30, 2009

Well, after two shifts, I don't feel as bad as I once did, although I will admit I dreaded going in to work.

I didnt make deadly mistakes and my pts were still alive when I left. I caught changes in my assessment on one pt, called the doctor, and pt was ordered to CT. CT was negative, but still, better safe than sorry.

My preceptor this week is someone I've been with before. She gave some constructive and positive feedback and a few praises, which is not like her (to give praises). Last night, I even got my night bath done, both rooms stocked, my meds passed on time, even had two breaks and got out on time. I even offered to help my coworkers, but everyone was caught up.

I KNOW I can do this.

Tweety, BSN, RN · Dec 30, 2009

Of course you can do this. Those first few weeks are brutal on the ego. In fact the whole first year probably is. There are going to be times when you feel you've had enough, that you can't take anymore, that you hate, that you'd rather flip burgers. But we put one foot in front of the other and carry on.

Your story is all of our story and thanks for sharing.

catica1124 · Dec 30, 2009

your cooworkers dont even know what the real definition of "anti-social" is.