oh, honey...first of all, take a deep breath and just let your body relax. maybe you should go get a professional massage?
Second of all, i know EXACTLY where you're coming from. I had all those same feelings at my first job as an LPN. i felt stupid, incompetent, unable to do what everyone else was doing. i cried during my lunch breaks, on the drive home, and was so frought with anxiety at the idea of having to go back there. my supervisors were breathing down my neck 24/7, meticulously picking apart everything i did and threatening my license at every available opportunity (you didn't fill out this form right, its your license on the line, bla bla bla). i seriously felt like an abused puppy there! i would spend hours after my shift catching up on documentation (they were 12 hr shifts, so i usually ended up there 15-16 hrs). I lost every OUNCE of self-confidence and had zero faith in my abilities. I was utterly, completely defeated. I thought "i can't do this. i'm not cut out for this. all my good grades in school didn't mean anything. all my praise from friends, family, instructors - what were they thinking? i suck. i'm a failure. omg, what am i going to do?" i wanted to quit that position every second of my day there.
and you know what? it was such a horrid experience, and the atmosphere was so damaging to me, that i could not possibly succeed. i failed miserably. i made poor judgment calls and let my anxiety and fear get the better of me - i literally couldn't think straight, and it was error after error. i felt so pressured to do things fast, that i lost track of the most important thing - to do things right and safely. in my situation, i wasn't a safe nurse there, because i was so overwhelmed and riddled with insecurity that i couldn't possibly be successful.
i should have quit, but it was my first nursing job, so i tried to stick it out. i eventually got fired, after only 3 months of being there. enter a whole 'nother world of defeat, depression, bottom-of-the-pit despair. now i REALLY felt like a failure. it took me a lot of time and self-growth to get through that period, but you know what, i did. and i finally looked for another job - worried that no one would hire me b/c of that experience - but someone did. i made really good $ there and i finally was a GOOD NURSE. holy crap! my pt's loved me, most of my coworkers did too, and management really really liked me. they were actually - gasp - (quote) "impressed" with my skills and confidence. where did that come from? and suddenly, i was a self-assured and smart nurse. if i didn't know something, i'd ask or look it up. i sought help when i needed it. i gave my best to my pt's and didn't do anything i wasn't comfortable with it. and somehow, through it, i became the nurse i always knew i wanted to be.
fast forward over a year, and i'm at a different position now - (no, i didn't get fired from the last one
i moved and received a GLOWING recommendation from the DON) and now i'm working at a place that could very well be my dream job! it's a little early to tell but hey it just may be. and you know what? every few days i receive praise from my supervisors, how they're so impressed with me, how i've excelled expectations, how they're so glad i came to their practice.
quite a 180 from the first job to this one, huh? i know this is a very long story - sorry - but i just felt like i had to share the details with you. NO MATTER HOW HARD IT SEEMS, HOW IMPOSSIBLE IT FEELS, you *can* do this. if you truly feel that this position isn't one where you can be successful and achieve your potential, you need to consider moving on. even though it felt to me like the worst failure ever, them firing me was the BEST thing that could have happened to me. because it gave me time to restore faith in myself and remove myself from all that negative and oppressive energy there - i may have spent a week locked in my house and with my phone off because i was too ashamed to speak to anyone - but i got through it. and look where i am now. happy as can be, working with and for people who appreciate me, and in an environment where i can actually be the best nurse that i can. be the nurse i want to be and know, deep inside, that i am. i still have moments of "am i dumb? shouldn't i know that?" but for every one of those, there a few redeeming moments
so, i hope somehow this all helps you see that you're not alone and that yes, you can get through this and come out on top in the end. just do what is best for YOU and try not to let anyone take your faith away from you. You've come so far, and you have so much to give to others. You will find your path and blossom into the nurse you want to be. Best of luck to you.