Oh man, this one's going to get good
1) If you had a room, you would be up there. I am not keeping you in the ER for my health. Trust that the second you get a room assigned and the nurse upstairs will take report that you will be on your way.
2) I do not get paid extra for starting more IVs. I don't enjoy sticking people more than once - it adds to the number of minutes I'm stuck hearing about your stomach pain (and the BK you had on the way here).
2a) No, I can't guarantee getting a good vein on the first stick. See #2.
3) If I am listening to lung sounds, please be kind enough to exhale away from me.
4) Please don't complain about being pulled into the hall. If you're in the hall, you probably aren't dying. And if you are dying and in the hall, at least I will be able to see when it happens to get an accurate TOD.
5) If you come in by ambulance (that you called) don't get upset when I try to put in an IV.
6) If you come in for CP, please don't get loud when I put you on the monitor, stick you for blood and an IV, start O2, get an EKG, and give you aspirin. If you weren't worried about the pain, you shouldn't have come in. PS- you'll probably be admitted to get a stress test tomorrow.
7) No, I don't know if your insurance will cover this.
8) If you know what pain meds to ask for, then you know too much and are probably a drug seeker.
9) There is an inverse relationship to the loudness of the vomiting and the actual sickness of the patient.
10) The fact that you are lying in bed moaning does not lead me to believe you are more sick. It leads me to believe that you are more of a pain in my @ss.
11) GET OFF THE %^&$$#&& PHONE!!!!!!!!!
12) If you can breathe well enough to yell at me "I can't breathe" then you're breathing juuuuuust fiiiiine.
13) Just a hint....if you're going to play possum, don't play it in my ED. I can get really personal with a foley catheter really quick. Hey, if you are unresponsive then I want to make sure you won't mess my bed.
14) Just because you or your family member says "I know you're busy" or "I'm sorry to bother you" before making another dumb request (another blanket, when will my room be ready, etc) does not make me less busy or you less of a bother.
15) I am not your glorified personal servant (hell, I'm not a glorified anything).
16) I don't care that you're having pain unless it is in your chest, or related to the leg that just fell off.
17) Is it the flourescent lights in here, or the O2? Because I'm pretty sure you walked to the BR at home and in the WR, and really sure you wiped your own rear end afterwards. Just because you are in the ER does not make you an invalid. (See #15).
18) I don't do anything in the ER for fun (except Narcan ODs - love stepping on buzzes!) so if I ask you a question or ask you to do something, it is for YOUR health, not mine.
I think that's all I have! Does it mean I'm burned out if I haven't worked since Tuesday and still can come up with all of those?