Rules for the ER (long)

WOW! I am not an ER nurse by any means...but I can definitely understand most of these "rules" but do you really not care about pain unless it is chest pain? I am a kidney stone sufferer, and while yes, I know I am not dying from this pain, at times I wish I would so I wouldn't have to feel it anymore. My last stone was 8 mm and I really thought I was gonna pass out from the intense pain, but luckily for me, my ER nurse valued my pain!

No, we are talking about the pain that someone's had for 4 weeks and is suddenly an emergency at 1800 on Sunday evening.

If you can ask me if you have time to go smoke a cigarette before the doc comes in to see you....your not sick enough to be here.

OOOH .. good one. Almost forgot about that one! You could also use the money that you just pumped into the vending machines to feed yourself, your significant other & 3 kids.

1. I only gave you a buzzer because my employer requires me to, please do not use it unless your condition has deteriorated, or you are about to poop in the bed and make even MORE work for me.

2. My name is not "hey you", please address me by name or as "nurse".

3. Knowing my name does not make us instant friends. Using my name will not get you faster drugs, discharged sooner, upstairs quicker, or a meal right away.

4. I know the charcoal you have to drink tastes terrible but keep these three things in mind:
- I did not create the stuff
- I did not order the stuff
- I did not take the drugs that require you to drink the stuff... you did
THEREFORE do not take it out on me by telling me how bad it is,or even worse, spitting it at me or vomiting it in my direction.

5. If you need to go to the bathroom and I bring you a commode, there is a reason. Trust me.. emptying that is not on my high list of things to do today. I'd much rather you trot your bottom to the bathroom. Ditto for the bedpan.

6. To the visitors: I do not care about how this one time you had a similar pain to your loved one and what happened. Or how many stitches you had when you crashed your Amigo at the mall. I am here to care for the patient, not listen to your endless stories. Please... let the patient speak.

7. Do not expect me to remember you from last time. I see many many people each day. I don't mean to offend, but it's hard to remember everyone. It would help if you would lay day, get nekked, put on an ugly blue gown and maybe I'll remember what you were here for.

8. Most important rule: Do not code just before I leave. After 12 hours, I'd really like to go home on time.

1. If you come to the ER by ambulance, you are going to have to find your own way home when we discharge you.

2. If you come to the ER by ambulance with a splinter in your foot, you will be sent to triage to wait with everyone else. You might as well start working on how you are going to get home now.

3. If you must bring your infant with you for your ER visit, please pack a bag with diapers and formula! What are you thinking???

4. No, I cannot give your boyfriend tylenol for his headache. He has to check in for me to give meds. Now please, forget I said anything about him checking in.

5. Telling us you have an appointment at 2:00 for (fill in the blank) doesn't mean you are going to make your appointment on time.

6. We don't give school immunizations.

7. We don't provide letters for you to prove that your son's lice occurred while in the care of his mother, not you.

8. Trash cans are for trash, not pee.

9. Don't steal all the bandages from the drawers.

10. Your significant other cannot go get you fast food until we get the CT report back for your "stomach ack"

11. If you come in for UTI symptoms, please try to hold it until we have time to get a sample. or ask for a cup! "I just went!" doesn't sit well.

12. Don't call 911 from the ER lobby.

13. Don't call your relatives on your cell phone to tell them we are mistreating you for not completely relieving your pain and them have the call us and threaten us with the old "I know someone!" line. We are not impressed.

14. Don't yell, don't spit, don't kick, don't curse, don't cough in our faces, try not to fart when we are listening to abd. sounds.

I just left the ER about 1 month ago (I definitely miss it!) and this post brought back the wonderful memories. Here it goes

When at the confessional (aka triage) keep in mind that I do not have Pete the repeat Parrot at the desk to tell you how long of a wait there is

Do not get mad at us because you called the ambulance for hand pain that has been there for 3 weeks and we send you out to triage

Do not lie to me about your recreational activities i.e. smoking, drinking, or illegal drugs, I only ask to make sure all of my boxes are filled unless my chart gets audited

If you appear to be a healthy adult and are not diabetic, do not make it a point to constantly emphasize that you have not eaten all day. It's 5 o clock in the evening--if you haven't died by now, I'm pretty sure you won't anytime soon

I am pretty sure that the sign outside the entrance doesn't say Welcome to the Dentist or Opthalmologist, that's why we can't fix the problem, please see them

Don't threaten to call the manager, it's the weekend, so they won't answer

It is not cute to see your kids crawling on the floor, do you know what fell there a few minutes ago?

You will not start feeling the effects of your pain PILL until about 45 min - 1 hour, so please do not call until an hour has passed

Do not call to see how busy we are before deciding to come--that means you aren't sick

Do not attempt to rush me because you have to be somewhere in an hour. You either wait or leave, our world doesn't operate around you

It's bad enough that you came in for something that isn't emergent, but did you really have to bring your kids in too (of course they are laughing and running around with temps of 98. 6)

1. Don't threaten me that you are going to leave AMA if you don't get XYZ. You won't like my response. An AMA discharge takes less paperwork than a regular discharge.

2. Don't leave with your IV in. We WILL send the police out to bring you back to have it removed. And no, you won't be seen then. Unless you check back in.

3. If you are here tonight because you had seizure because you didn't feel like taking your dilantin, don't whine to me about how much the IV dilantin burns. If you don't like the way it feels, take your dilantin. Every day. Or, tell your family not to call 911 when you seize.

4. If you are over 18 and don't want your mother to know that you are pregnant (or have an STD), don't argue with me when I ask her to stay in the waiting room. I can't medicate you for/educate you about your diagnosis with her in the room without her finding out.

5. DO NOT ask me "are you going to keep me?" as I am bringing you back from the waiting room. I don't have Xray vision, I am not able to analyze your blood through your skin with my eyes, and I can't read the doctors' minds.

6. I can't help it that the doctor's office told you to come to the ER to get your tests done because it would be quicker than having them done as an outpatient. They were wrong. (Besides, they were talking about the lenght of time to get tests results, not the length of time you would have to wait in the waiting room.)

7. I am sorry that your doctor sent you here to have XYZ test done. However, your doctor doesn't work here, and the doctor that DOES work here doesn't think the test is necessary. Next time, have your doctor give you an Rx for the test, and send you to an OUTPATIENT DIAGNOSTIC CENTER.

8. I am sorry that all I have to offer you to eat is crackers and soup. It is 2am. The cafeteria is closed. This isn't Dennys. I realize that you say you haven't eaten in 12 hours, but you have only been here for three, so that is not my fault.

9. If you come in with abdominal pain/nausea/vomiting, and your SO sneaks you food, I will have VERY LITTLE SYMPATHY when you start vomiting again.

10. Don't ask me if you can go out and smoke. You are an adult. If you are not suicidal/homicidal, then I cannot prevent you from going anywhere. However, if the doctor goes in to see you and you are out smoking, YOU WILL BE DISCHARGED. And then you will have to START THE WHOLE PROCESS OVER AGAIN, STARTING WITH REGISTRATION. Seriously.

11. If a joint has been dislocated, kindly hold still while we get Xrays and I start your IV. If you won't hold still, I will calmly tell you to call me when you have decided that you have hurt long enough and would like your joint fixed. The doctor can't do anything without Xrays, and trust me, you don't wan't him to do anything without an IV

Don't tell me that you've only had "2" beers when the police drag your butt in from an MVA, you reak of alcohol, and your blood alcohol comes back high enough to make a football team pass out, I won't believe you.

Don't send your grandma in with a dress, full underskirt, and pantyhose on and then wonder why we aren't able to get everything off soon enough for her not to pee on herself.

Oh what memories this thread has brought back. Haven't worked ER in about 9 months and still don't miss the stupidity.

Pam