You Know You're a Nurse When...

[Brownms46]

You occasionally park in the space with the 'Physicians Only' sign, and knock it over.

You've ever told a patient to 'move toward the light.'

You believe that all the patient needs is some vitamin A (ativan).

You've ever run out of linens, syringes, IV fluid, meds, and patience all at the same time.

You ever felt like a Gastroenterologist... because you work with a##holes.

It IS as BAD as you think, and the patients ARE out to get you.

You ever told a patient he didn't need to be dead to donate an organ.

You feel that earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

You believe some patients are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

In a critical situation, the most highly qualified clinician will offer the most advice and the least support.

You do the "only-27-more-minutes-of-the-shift-from-hell happy dance".

When you need the money, your shift is canceled; ....when you have a weekend planned, you have to do overtime.

You believe sick people don't $itch.

You believe the more equipment you see on a nurses belt, the newer they are.

You believe when dealing with patients, supervisors, or citizens, if it felt good saying it, it was the wrong thing to say.

You believe If the child is quiet, be scared.

The front of your scrubs read 'Nurses...here to save your a**, not kiss it!'

You always follow the rules, but be wise enough to forget them sometimes.

You believe if the patient vomits in the ED, try to hold their head to the side of the stretcher with the disposable equipment, not the stuff you have to clean.

You believe any family member who is more drunk (or more stupid) than the patient, is the real problem.

You can't cure stupid.

You believe if it's wet and sticky and not yours, leave it alone!

You believe that idiots that get into car crashes are the first ones to complain how bumpy the ambulance ride is.

You believe when a patient vomits, be sure to aim it at the family members who wouldn't back up.

You never trust crash cart, drug box or airway bag to be fully stocked.

You believe there is no such thing as a "textbook case

You believe just because someone's license date is before yours does not mean they know what they are doing.

You believe in the underwear theory of charting: Keep your behind covered!

You have seen more moons than the Hubble telescope.

To you the phrase "divide and conquer" means getting two co-workers to help you change the bedsore dressing in the crack of a 400 pound patient.

You ever, secretly, wanted to mix crazy glue into the lube while inserting a foley on a patient that has pulled out three catheters on your shift while restrained.

You've ever cared for a patient with ATS (Acute Thespian Syndrome)

You own at least three pens with the names of prescription medications on them

You believe the best patients are SIR...Sedated, Intubated and Restrained

You never get into an argument with an idiot, because they only bring you down to their level and then beat you with experience

You believe God and hard work made us Nurses, Prozac made us friends.

You ever had a patient die shortly after saying, 'Hey, watch this'

You ever wished that they would make corrugated catheters to use on really annoying patients.

You no longer have a gag reflex.

You have ever been tempted to place a rectal tube hooked to suction for a FOS patient.

You believe blow darts dipped in curare PRN is an appropriate order for annoying family members.

You make up new ways to describe strange patients: True --a doctor friend of mine would put the number "45" on the chart to warn the nurses that the patient wasn't playing with a full load of chromosomes.

You refer to Diprovan as mothers milk

You use the phrase "Turn and Baste" and you are nowhere near a kitchen

You know you are a night nurse when:

You are willing to beg, borrow, or steal not to work the night daylight savings time goes into effect.

You want to throttle anyone that states: Night shift must be so boring, all the patients do is sleep

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You hope there's a special place in Hell for the inventor of the call light.

You believe not all patients are annoying. Some are dead.

You believe the definition of stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

You think Real friends help you move dead bodies.

You believe the gene pool could use a little chlorine

You believe experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Your sole purpose in life is simply to warn others.

Your sense of humor seems to get more "warped" each year.

You think pizza, cookies and coke make a balanced meal.

You tell cops where to go without fear!

You can only tell time with a 24-hour clock.

You believe the problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

You've ever thought, 'Patients, God love 'em, because today, I sure don't!'

You believe that saying, 'It can't get any worse' causes it to get worse just to show you it can.

You have ever had a track ridden prego tell you not to ruin her veins when you try to find one she hasn't already used, to start an IV

You believe that no matter how much you care, some people are just a##holes.

You wash your hands before you go to the bathroom

You use CTD for very-soon expectant terminal 'no code' patients. (circling the drain).

You have ever referred to an intoxicated patient as a FORD (Found On Road Drunk)

You believe old nurses never die, they just go PRN

You call some of your co-workers 'Flowers in the Field of Medicine' because they're bloomin' idiots

Everything only happens all at once.

You've ever referred to a suicide-attempt victim as an FTF (Failure to Fly)

You've ever used the acronym F.T.D. (Fixin' to Die) or L.T.B.B (Lucky To Be Breathing)

You get rear-ended in an auto accident and the accident scene looks like an ER exploded from your first aid kit in the trunk.

Not only does your watch tell the time but it has a pulse timer that will count in 5, 10, 15, 30 and 60 second intervals and will take your blood pressure.

You can tell the pharmacist more about the medicines he is giving you than he can.

You've ever thought a blood pressure cuff would be an excellent gift for Christmas.

You've ever spent more money on a stethoscope than on a car payment.

You notice that you use more four-letter words now than before you became a nurse.

You look in your closet and can't find anything non-medical to wear.

You don't have enough ego hypertrophy to be a surgeon.

You believe any job where you can drive to work in pajamas is a cool job.

After spending the night with surgeons, they still won't respect you in the morning.

You don't eat before driving to work because you want to be an "easy intubation" if you are in an accident.

Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong and if nothing has gone wrong, you've obviously don't understand the situation.

You believe, in medicine, to always remember never to say always and never.

Everyone gets treated exactly the same---until they piss you off.

The ER is a mixture of can do, can't do, and why the hell not!

You believe in a diagnosis of acute Haldolpenia

You can identify the following Syndromes:

F.O.L. (Full Of Liquor)

A.D.A.S.T.W. (Arrived Dead And Stayed That Way)

W.O. T.A.M. (Waste of Time & Money

You have a PD patient who whips out their catheter and announces unless they get their way they'll pee all over you.

You refer to ammonia capsules as a "seizure-cure."

You consider a tongue depressor an eating utensil

You have placed your irritating patients/family members on P.I.T.A. (Pain In The A##) precautions!

Ever had a patient whose positive pregnancy test prompts her to call the next day and ask if you can tell who the father is

Ever referred to KY jelly as "Goober Grease"

You know it's a full moon without having to look at the sky.

You have ever referred to a patient as "genetically exclusive" or "genetically challenged."

You've developed a crease between your brows from trying NOT to inhale the various human secretions you've encountered over the years.

Eating microwave popcorn out of a clean bedpan is perfectly natural.

You believe in PPP as a diagnosis - Piss Poor Protoplasm

You've been exposed to so many x-rays that you consider it a form of birth control.

Your bladder can expand to the same size as a Winnebago's water tank.

Your shoes have been seized and quarantined by either the Centers for Disease Control, OSHA, the EPA or the Nuclear Regulatory Commission.

You think that Prom tickets should have coupons good for one free gastric lavage.

If the hems of your scrub pants are held in with 3.0 suture, steri-strips or rubber bands.

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You avoid unhealthy looking COPDers in the mall for fear that they'll drop near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off.

You've ever held a 14-gauge needle over someone's vein and said, "Now your going to feel a little stick."

You can identify the 'PID Shuffle" and the "Kidney Stone Squirm" at 15 feet.

You refer to motorcyclists as organ donors.

You've ever had a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring and twelve earrings say, "I'm afraid of shots."

You stare at someone in utter disbelief when they actually cover their mouth to cough.

You automatically multiply by three the number of drinks a patient claims to have daily.

You don't ask "frequent flyers' their history, you know it by heart.

You can keep a straight face when a patient responds, "Just two beers."

You develop Carpal Tunnel Syndrome from constantly locking and unlocking the Narcotic Cabinet

You shock someone with an unrecognizable rhythm...until you get one you DO recognize.

You've ever eaten your lunch out of an emesis basin, and poured your drink from a Urimeter container.

You refer to a patient as having a high DBI (dirt bag index), which is calculated by the following formula: DBI = number of tattoos divided by number of missing teeth, multiplied by number of "tracks" added to estimated days without a bath!

Your idea of a meal break is finishing your coffee before it gets cold

You make up acronyms so non-medical people won't know just how sick you really are: GOMER, GORK, TSTL...(Get Out Of My Emergency Room, God Only Really Knows, Too Stupid To Live)

You think "awake and stupid" is an appropriate choice for mental status

You've ever bet on someone's blood alcohol level

Discussing dismemberment over a meal seems perfectly normal

You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac

You have encouraged obnoxious patients to sign out AMA

You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce

You believe the 'On-call Nurse' program is a satanic plot

You believe unspeakable evils will befall you if the word 'quiet' is uttered

Your most common assessment question at 2 am is "Why is this an emergency now?"

You have used the phrase' health care reform' to terrify your co-workers

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You believe every waiting room should have a Valium salt lick.

You believe you have patients who are demonically possessed

You believe waiting room time should be in proportion to the length of time from symptom onset (You've had pain for 3 weeks...have a seat, well get to you in 3 days)

You refer to vegetable and you don't mean the food group

You know the local detox center number by heart

You believe the lab should have a 'dumb sh#t' profile on the lab requisition slip

You firmly believe that 'too stupid to live' should be a diagnosis

You have to leave the patient before you begin to laugh uncontrollably

You believe a book entitled 'Suicide: Getting it Right the First Time' will be your next project.

You find humor in other people's stupidity

Your idea of fine dining is sitting down to eat

You believe chocolate is a food group

You believe a good tape job will fix anything

You get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf down your food, even in the nicest restaurants

You can identify the "Positive-teeth-to-Tattoo" Ratio

Your idea of a good time is a Code Blue at shift change

You firmly believe that if Dilantin, Haldol and Librium were put in the water instead of fluoride, Dentists would be busier, but Nursing would grind to a halt

You don't believe 90% of what you're told, and 75% of what you see

You have your weekends off planned a year in advance

You automatically assume the patient is a drug seeker when they present with a complaint of migraine, lower back pain or chronic myalgia....and they list numerous allergies (except Demerol or Morphine)

You believe that "Shallow gene pool" should be a recognized medical diagnosis

You have discovered a new condition called "Hypo-Xanax-emia"

You have ever referred to someone's death as a "Celestial Transfer"

You refer to someone in severe respiratory distress as a "Smurf"

You feel that most suicide attempts should be given a free subscription to "Guns and Ammo" magazine

You've ever had a patient look you dead in the eye and say, "I don't know how that got stuck in there"

You have ever wanted to reply yes when someone calls the ER and asks "Is my (husband, wife, mother, etc....) there?"

You have ever issued a "dead head" alert

You have ever restrained someone...and it wasn't a sexual experience

You believe a "Supreme Being" consult is your patient's only hope

You have ever had a patient control his seizures when offered food

Your bladder expands roughly to same capacity as a Winnebago's water tank

Your feet are slightly fatter and tougher than Fred Flintstone's

Your immune system is well developed that it has been know to attack and kill squirrels in the backyard

You have a special shrine in your home to the inventor of Haldol

Your idea of a CT prep includes Pavulon and a vent

You have recurrent nightmares of being hit and run over by the portable x-ray machine

You call burn victims "crispy critters"

You call subcutaneous emphysema Rice Krispies

[chrisrob]

had a staff nurse we all hated orderlies included they called her down to the mortuary one night said a patient wasn't tagged right unbeknown to her an ordely had sat with his hand in the fridge for half an hour when she went to swotch on the light he grabbed her hand with his freezing cold one she needed a stiff drink and was sent home it was great she nearly passed out

[Scavenger'sWife, RN]

You know you are a nurse when you can "think outside the box"....

Had to disimpact a patient once in an assisted living place I worked...couldn't find the KY, so I used a good gob of Crisco.

[NewfieRoseRN]

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Originally posted by kathkrn

These are some of hte favs from the ER that I work at:

-Discussing dismemberment over a meal seems perfectly normal

-You like to spend the holidays with your friends at work.

-You believe that a good tape job will fix anything.

-Your idea of a good time is a full arrest at shift change.

-You believe in a serial spraying of Prozac.

-You encourage an obxious patient to sign himself out so you don't have to deal with him.

-Your diet consists of foods that have gone through more processing than most computers.

-You say to yourself "Great veins" as you pass by perfect strangers.

-You want to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide...doing it right."

-You believe that "stupid" should be a diagnosis.

-You think caffiene should come in IV form.

-You enjoy restraining someone, and it is not for sex.

-Your bladder expands to the size of a Winnebago's water tank.

-Your immune system is so well developed that it has been known to attack squirrels in the backyard.

-You get an irrestiable urge to wolf down your food in less than 3 minutes, even when you are at a nice restaurant.

-You have referred to subcutaneous emphysema air as "Rice Krispies".

-You've held a 14 gauge needle over someone's vein and remarked "There's only going to be a little pain-this will only hurt for a second."

-You are the only one at the dinner table NOT allowed to talk about your day at work.

-Your life motto is "If it is wet, sticky and not yours, don't touch it."

-You've sworn that you are going to have "No Code" tattoed to your chest.

-Your family members have a fever of 105, a dismemberment of a limb and active vleeding before you give them any sympathy.

-You believe every patient needs TLC: thorazine, Lorazapam, and Compazine

-You hope there's a special place in Hell for the inventor of the call light

-You have a tendency to laugh at your patients "big" problem

-Your sense of humor seems more "warped" each year

-You think pizza, cookies, and a coke make a balanced meal

-You believe that saying "It can't get worse: causes it to get worse just to show you it can (Same lines of never say "quiet, not busy or, God forbid, SLOW")

-You have ever wolfed down a sandwich while emptying your bladder (And considered it your break)

-You have a recurring nightmare of being hit & run over by the portable x-ray machine

-You have ever had a patient say, "I'm not pregnant, I can't be pregnant! I can't be having a baby!" (While looking at their ultrasound showing them to be 39.4 weeks pregnant and having a contraction!!)

-You've ever bet on someone's blood alcohol level (we call it 'alco-lotto at our emerg)

-You believe the ER waiting room should have a Valium salt lick

-You know it's a full moon without looking at the sky

-You have ever had to deal with someone who thinks being constipated for 4 hrs is an emergency

You would like to meet the inventor of the call light some night in a dark alley....

-You believe not all patients are annoying, some are unconscious

-You can only tell time with a 24 hour clock.....

-You notice that you use more four letter words now than before you became a nurse

-Every time someone asks you for a pen, you can find at least three of them on you

-You can intubate your friends at parties

-You don't get excited about blood unless it's your own

-You live by the motto, " to be right is only half the battle, to convince the physician is more difficult."

-You've basted your thanksgiving turkey with a Toomey syringe

-You've told a confused patient your name was that of your coworker and to HOLLER if they need help

-Eating microwave popcorn out of a clean bedpan is perfectly normal

-You can sleep soundly at the hospital cafeteria table during break, sitting up and not be embarrassed when you wake up

-You avoid unhealthy looking shoppers in the mall for fear that they'll drop near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off

You must have been around a while to see all of this ...wow...REALLY funny!!

I can identify with a lot of these!! Keep 'em coming...

[chrisrob]

love to read these after a hard day make me laugh so much and theres so much more we dont talk about isn't there?

[waicurn]

I can HEAR the call lights, EKG, vent and the phone all going at the same time even when I'm home. I hope I'm not the only one... or should I check myself in?

[chrisrob]

superman,

i wouldn.t worry about it when i was sitting waiting to have a scan (pregnant) a doc went by and his crash bleep (code call) went off i jumped up to answer the code in my really fetching hospital gown until he told me i wasn't actually on dutywhich was a bit of a relief as i couldn't find my pager. or ever actually taken your pager home after a night shift a code calls gone out and u live near enough to get the code dive out of bed and can't think where that ward is located in your house love to u all

[waicurn]

that is waay too funny Chris !!

[chrisrob]

superman what time of day nightis it with u 6am here chris

[chrisrob]

nick good move starting this thread its just soo0 funny love reading it its nice to hear nursing lol instead of all the grief we put up with luv to all from bonny scotland got to get ready to go to that mad place we all LOVE to work at

[waicurn]

uh... it's 10pm when it's 6am there

[chrisrob]

superman unless your working goodnight then!

[rebelwaclause, ASN, RN]

This is soooooo funny! I've forgot and signed my name and nursing title on a home loan document! I've forgot to pee until it was almost too late! I assess little old people walking down the street! On a date, I assessed a guy who was a smoker, chronic cough who spit when I turned my head (yuk!), htn and a serious barrell chest. My first impression was "hospice" and taking care of him in the home I signed my name and nursing title on the home loan document! I never saw him again!

I thought I was the kid from the movie "Sixth Sense"....But you guys (sighhh...tear falling...), I've found a home with a group of people that understand my para-nursenormal behaivors!! (hahahaha).

Another sign of a nurse....How many of you have tons of alchohol prep packages at home from being carried from work via your pockets? I forget to take them back and use them! If I turned all mine in, the hospital could afford to pick up another nurse! (hehehehehehe).