What happened to me?

Published

don't know what happened.

Background- mid aged new grad, career changer, love working with people, teaching, counseling. thought nursing would be a combination of those things.....can't take the stress.

graduated may 2010, got a job few months later in ortho/neuro. I only had 3 interviews from many many apps, & 1 job offer. Thought I should take it. No real preceptor- just whoever would agree to let me follow. 4 weeks orientation then straight into 6-8 patients, admits, discharge, full deal. I loved the patients and working with families- even the difficult ones that no one else wanted. Pts would hug me when they left and families brought me treats and stuff! My customers were happy.

BUT I couldn't hack it! I started losing my hair, losing weight, crying all the time, and even throwing up at work. I was exhausted but couldn't sleep. I dreaded the thought of going back to work & worried about what I had missed or done wrong. I left the job after 90 days.

Many will say that it was a mistake but I just couldn't take it. What happened to me? How did I not know this about myself during NS? Did I not see the signs? Did I not know what I was getting into? Why'd I go into nursing in the first place? Did I not get an idea of how things were in clinicals?

It really was not just short staffing, budgets and management- it was me! I was in panic at the thought of making a mistake, med error, or missing something. I'm not a spring chicken and have been through tough things in my life. I've had different jobs and stress BUT nothing like this. I really don't think it would matter if I only had 2 pts rather than 6- it's the fear- it is paralyzing. I even started being afraid of giving my own children medicine - I triple checked things so I wouldn't make a mistake!

I've worked a non-nursing job for many months now, and the thought of going back to the hospital sends me into pure fear and dread. I tell people, including my hubby, that I'm applying everywhere for nursing. I'm not.

I have the utmost respect for you who can do the job and take the stress. I am exploring different options that would allow me to use my RN and move on.

thanks for listening :)

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in ICU.

Sounds like you made the right move, if you are not well how can you expect to heal the wounded

Up Vote Up Vote ×

Im going through the same thing you went through. Ive also thought about leaving nursing but dont know what else i could do. Nursing is very stressful and sometimes I dont think I am cut out for it. I constantly am crying, depressed even thinking about going back to work, im constantly in fear im going to mess up and there goes my liscense. Ive only been going at it for 2 months and dont know how much longer I can do this.

Up Vote Up Vote ×

I dont want to waste my liscense because I worked very hard for it. But i dont think im cut out for bedside nursing thats for sure. But I dont know what else i could do without experience.

Up Vote Up Vote ×

I'm sorry you are having a hard time too. I know people say that it will get better but I don't think I could have survived the wait.

It wasn't just normal feelings of being overwhelmed or too busy....it was panic. I was good with pts and families- talking, helping with problems, etc. I always got the hard ones too, the ones no one else wanted. they became my best pts! Really, i felt like i did a good job with the people part-the psycho/social. it was just the medical part that made me freak out.

A lightbulb went off when I got 7 pts and 2 students. I had been on my own for 2 weeks and expected to have students- the other 2 nurses refused to take them. I was surprised that working with the students was my favorite part of the day :)

Since i left that job, i've done a lot of self assessment and thinking about my skills, my challenges, and what exactly caused the panic/fear....I'm looking at areas that are more focused on education, health promotion, or counseling. I have a friend in public health that works with smoking cessation, std prevention, etc. She does seminars and develops materials. I would like that. SO, I'm exploring different options like that- I might have to go back to school, but that's okay.

I'm sorry that you're going thru this :( Is there anyone you can talk to at work like a counselor? or the educator? I tried to get help but just kept hearing "it'll get better" "you're doing fine". I was not fine and getting more depressed-no one wanted to listen. I hope you can find someone to listen and give you support.

my heart goes out to you!

Up Vote Up Vote ×

I hope that you had a physical exam to rule out other factors. It would be a shame that you left nursing if you could have identified and fixed a health problem that would be capable of adversely affecting you, no matter what your occupation. Glad you are finding your way.

Up Vote Up Vote ×

Thanks. yes I did see my dr. Checked out normal- well, physically normal :) He attributed it to stress. I'm now back to my normal weight, no GI problems, and my hair is growing!

When I look back- I'm shocked at my condition and my inability to cope.

Well, glad to be healthy now and looking to the future :)

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in Plastics. General Surgery. ITU. Oncology.

It"s a great shame really because caring, conscientious people like the OP make the best nurses possible.

I've been a ward Sister many years and have seen this many times in both student nurses and the newly-qualified. One new grad used to literally go grey and faint on us when she felt overwhelmed but in time with lots of encouragement is now a Team Leader and one of the best nurses on my staff.

It is true that not all can do acute nursing. If it dosen't suit then good call. Best of luck!

Up Vote Up Vote ×

Have you thought about psych nursing? I was a nurse in an inhouse rehabilitation for eating disorders for 2 years and I loved it! There were a few medical issues of course that went along with the disorders of course, but since I worked nights I mostly dealt with nightmares, flashbacks, and PTSD. It was interesting, because you never knew what to expect, but it was also rewarding because you got to know these people and were able to see the changes they made and the goals/accomplishments they achieved. If you know your medications for your pill pass, then you're usually golden, because a lot of the patients ill be on the same types of medications. And though there are medical issues to also address, they usually are not life threatening. Of course this is all my experience with the eating disorder center. There are many mental health arenas to look into. in-patient and out-patient, residential and hospitals. Not all psych patients are having acute episodes, if you're worried about that too. Don't give up. There is a nitche for you!

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in Nursing Professional Development.

I really hope your end up in a great place jojo. You sound like a great person and I thank you for sharing your story with us.

I don't know how you could have known ahead of time ... but I often have concerns for the folks who "just don't seem cut out for it" but who are not given "permission to quit" by their friends, family, people on this website, etc. I agree with you that acute care nursing is not a good fit for some people and I applaud you for being wise enough to realize that you are one of those people.

Hmmmm.... it would be a good research study to find ways to help people come to that realization earlier -- perhaps while they are still a student -- so that they would be spared the unpleasantness you endured.

Good luck to you in your efforts to find a good fit for yourself.

Up Vote Up Vote ×

Gosh...I feel so much better! thanks for all the support and suggestions. I knew you guys would understand! my non-nurse friends and family don't get it.

hey- thanks, maybe psych would be a good option...I'm exploring many avenues.

Yes- research involving nursing students and new nurses would be interesting. Because- even though I was top of the class and good at clinicals...something changed between graduation and the real job. Not sure.

Again- I sincerely appreciate everyone's support. It was a hard decision to leave. I felt like a quitter and a loser. BUT then I realized that it's not for everyone and there will be a niche for me.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in Emergency Department.
Gosh...I feel so much better! thanks for all the support and suggestions. I knew you guys would understand! my non-nurse friends and family don't get it.

hey- thanks, maybe psych would be a good option...I'm exploring many avenues.

Yes- research involving nursing students and new nurses would be interesting. Because- even though I was top of the class and good at clinicals...something changed between graduation and the real job. Not sure.

Again- I sincerely appreciate everyone's support. It was a hard decision to leave. I felt like a quitter and a loser. BUT then I realized that it's not for everyone and there will be a niche for me.

Sometimes that "change" is the realization that there's no safety-net for you. An acquaintance who is a CFRN used to dread doing intubations. She'd been through orientation and everything... still just absolutely dreaded having to do it. I mean it was ABSOLUTELY stressful for her. One day, she realized that she was thinking "if only *** was here...." and she came to an epiphany - It was her or nobody else. She learned that for good, bad, or ugly, she had to do it. Now she's VERY good at airway management, but she had to work through the fear and stress of not being able to do it.

The point is that the perceived lack of support and "safety-net" that you had during school can be very stressful at first. You're not perfect, I certainly am not... And it's perfectly OK to feel like hospital/bedside work isn't for you. There's LOTS to do in Nursing, and I'm sure you can find a place that's comfortable for you.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
+ Join the Discussion