What Do I Please. I'm so lost

[NrseJ, BSN]

Hi, I apologize that this may be very long but I truly need advice. I have been a pediatric nurse for 3 years now. Since The day I started working as a nurse, I have been devastated, lost, confused, ashamed and depressed. Why? Because nursing turned out to be what I could have never imagined. These three years, the majority of days at work my heart is pounding, mind racing, super anxious, praying and begging that nothing happens. Tired isn't the word. I don't know what to what to say to describe what I've been through. My experience has taught me that Peace is luxury. Most days after work I'm crying, begging God, what will it take for me to no longer be doing this. I hate my life, everything about myself after becoming a nurse.

I worked as a float nurse my first year. Hate and misery is not enough to explain what I had to endure physically, emotionally and mentally. First couple of weeks I thought "what in earth have I done to myself?" Crying was an everyday thing for months. I'm honestly surprised I'm still here. I left to a long term care after a year and that was even worse. I didn't know things could be worse. Only lasted there a couple of days. I literally just rolled out of bed one day and couldn't recognize myself in the mirror. It was then I knew I couldn't come back. I completely lost myself. Nursing destroyed me. I felt lifeless. I went back to the hospital I left on a different unit thinking it would be better. Well, it's still bad but I guess just not the worst of the worst. I was thinking OK this is a unit I can spend some time on and really find what I want.  Honestly I still feel like I felt on the first unit....anxious, depressed and miserable because I didn't know this ahead of time but I will sometimes have to be charge. I already have a hard time as it is and I don't want to be charge at all. I've cried and cried at home thinking about it. I expressed I really really don't want to be but I guess not much can be done. So after being there a year, I feel like I have to rush out again. Not everyone can be charge and I don't want Any trouble.

This career has just ban trouble for me from that start. I feel back at square one. I've thought about looking at other career paths and different ways to make a living but nothing. People can hate their job but all this work, time,  tears, years I put into this career and just like that it was for nothing? I literally started from the bottom. This was my dream, everything. I didn't go into it for the money at all. I thought hard work was a gateway to atleast some success. I understand you can hate your job but after all the sweat and tears, it shouldn't be like this at all. Many times still, I just don't want to be alive anymore because of this. You may think this isn't worth that but I'm really over being miserable as a means to survive. 

 

Anyways, I really really would do anything to have a good paying nursing position without the severe anxiety, fear, ans stress. I want to feel OK and not have my heart pounding. I can't do this for even two more years, I can't. I feel like I'm selling my aouls so I'd rather no longer exist to not have to deal with this. I'm losing myself more and more. I see bedside nurses who hate their job but for some reason didn't have a choice, etc and what it turned them into. I don't want to be extremely miserable anymore.  

By next year, I want a remote position but what I'm really afraid of is if leads where I am now, they probably won't hire me again and what if I don't like the position? I know I don't like where I am but what if I want to do something else at the hospital but I left again in a short period. I'm a good employee but still. I get really scared when nurses leave bedside for like care manager, case management and come back. I'm not interested in those but they are remote positions. I want far away from bedside, anything acute. Is all of nursing like this. I wanted to quit in nursing school but I only kept going because I believed all I put in would be worth it. I'm soooo scared and worried.. I would really truly appreciate advice. 

[_ICUfutureCRNA_]

Sounds awful. I do know this feeling. I am going on to pursue a graduate degree. One thing I would suggest is looking into nurse informatics and nurse analytics... no bedside care. The business side of nursing/healthcare. I am seriously considering it. I'm not sure if going back to school is an option for you but... I have heard nurses getting certificates/degrees in informatics. A good program is through USF. I will link it here. 

You are not stuck at bedside...I promise. You may have to get a certification or two but if you want out you have options. 

Another thing that you should do is ask yourself if you could do anything in the world and enjoy it..what would it be? Try to choose something similar, I think there is nursing in every area of a company one way or another.

Enjoy Beauty? Try esthetic nursing and injection nursing. I have a nurse I worked with who hated bedside and is a phone triage nurse for an Erectile dysfunction medication LOL. She loves it. 

For jobs that are heard to get into or highly sought after, go in person and show them you want the position. 

Don't let this job do this to you. 

You may have to hunt your way out, but start looking at indeed, Linked In jobs. 

Take care of yourself! You got this! 

 

Best of luck!

 

[_ICUfutureCRNA_]

https://explore.usfhealthonline.com/lp/health-informatics-graduate-programs/?utm_source=Google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=USF_FY2022_Google_All_Search_HI_Brand_All_[7014M0000023eQIQAY]&utm_content=&utm_term=usf healthcare informatics&utm_matchtype=p&utm_network=g&campaignid=7014M0000023eQIQAY&utm_adposition=&device=c&vendorid=2109937&gclid=Cj0KCQjwzLCVBhD3ARIsAPKYTcQ9RJtCTjgt1kN5NO_W75Nm2QNfSYgPCpwjegtq5FdHdPWdCN4xdGgaAi_TEALw_wcB

[CrunchRN, ADN, RN]

Have you gotten any counseling? Obviously you are very stressed, depressed, and confused. You need counseling for the depression and anxiety in addition to changing jobs in my opinion. I would start with that. 

[Been there,done that, ASN, RN]

There are many  remote jobs away from the bedside. Start the search. Start with insurance companies and disease  management roles, Both are begging for nurses.

[Lilyanne769]

I have felt this way and I left to be a classroom nurse. This is much less stress. I am now going to school to be a special education teacher. Hang in there and find what makes you happy. Nursing did the same to me. I often thought what did I get myself into. I definitely can relate!

[No Stars In My Eyes]

I would call my PCP and say I needed to go to the ER for a psychiatric evaluation. NOW.

I did that; it wasn't about my job, but I could not stop crying. I had the option of in-patient or out-patient treatment. I chose out-patient. The program was five days a week, like 10 AM to 4 PM. It was a fluctuating group of patients. There were 5 or 6 psychologists who gave one hour 'classes' or 'workshops'. I attended for 2 & 1/2 weeks and then was discharged after I had set up appts with one of the psychologists who worked there; I worked on weekends in Home Health, so I didn't miss a paycheck. 

It was such a relief for my feelings to be validated. I went to my psychologist over a period of time: first few weeks were 2 or 3 appts a week, then weaned down to once a week as I felt better. I continued seeing her off and on for several years. 

IT WAS THE VERY BEST THING I COULD DO FOR MYSELF AND I HIGHLY RECOMMEND  IT. It saved my sanity!