venting... this is long...

i'm in need of venting. i am a part time palliative care/oncology nurse and part time long term care nurse. one of my good friends is a coworker of mine. she's a great person. a hard worker, smart, compassionate etc.... we go out for lunch. we used to drive out to my indian reserve for a day and look at craft stuff. other times we just watch movies at her house. she works in long term care with me.

last week she was admitted to the palliative care/ oncology unit with lung ca. i'm glad she's been diagnosed because i've been a little suspicous (the last three months) and strongly encouraged her to seek diagnostic testing. i tried not to think about it. i go and visit her at the hospital, when i'm not working. her prognosis isn't great but she's trying to be optimistic. she starts her chemo treatments today.

for professional reasons, i do not look at her chart. all the information i know is from the conversations i have with her. i give her information about her condition from what i know as a nurse. all i want to do is visit her and be her friend. she's very tired and very scared. she's also very sick.

i know her prognosis isn't a good one. that scares me. it's so hard not to think about it. when i'm working at the hospital, it's hard to concentrate because she is there. when her bell goes off, i want to run and answer it and be a good nurse to her but professionally, i can't. but i just stand there and stare and wonder "what's she feeling right now? what can be done for her?" i know she's suffering. i've been working like a mad-man. i can't sit still and i do everything in over-drive. i want to stop thinking about her situation but the only way i can do it is by keeping myself super-busy when i'm there.

when i'm at my long term care job, i'm the same. she's supposed to be working with me, but i'm now working with a replacment. a lot of the residents and coworkers are asking about her. i can't give them a lot of information. all i can do is pretend i don't know and say "yeah! where is that girl??" meanwhile, i'm screaming inside. i can aknowledge to them that she is not there. i am very aware that the news at the long term care home has spread like wild-fire. the staff is very upset and need a lot of support. things have gotten very dramatic. but i maintain to them that we still have a job to do and it's important for the residents that the job gets done. i feel like a heart-less supervisor by being harsh like that. but i sympathise with them. i'm sad about it too. but they don't know that. i leave both jobs totally exhausted.

and of course,"murphy's law" prevents me from ever catching a break, what can go wrong will go wrong on my shift. i've had to work short-staffed at the hospital for the last two shifts, with er wanting to admit patients and other floors wanting to transfer patients (yes on the night shift too). the last night at long term care, the fire alarm went off. no fire. but they could not shut off the alarm, so we were on "silent alarm" protocol for rest of the night. that meant doing hourly building rounds to make sure there is no fire. not to mention the fire department crew hitting on me when i'm trying to herd the fire department out the front door when it's all over.

i'm very sad. i'm scared for my friend. i want her to aggressivly whip this cancer out of her with chemo. but they said she doesn't have long. so, i want her to be comfortable. i want to take away her and her hubby's fears. i want more time to spend with her. i also wish this whole situation would go away. it' too real. during the fire alarm the other night, i was seriously wondering if i could just go into denial and shut down. i wanted to curl up in the fetal position and deny anything was happening. but realistically, i couldn't and just realized it wont go away. i had to just experience it and do what i'm supposed to do. it's so hard to smile when i have such concern and empathy for my best friend but for the sake of my patients and residents, i provide the best care i can with a smile on my face. for my coworkers, i try and remain calm and strong and in control so they can provide the best care possible. but it's so dam hard!!!! my husbands uncle died last week and he's greiving so i have to remain strong for him.

i feel so alone and weak. right now, all i can think about is myself. i don't know how i can maintain my composure. i want to cry. i'm worried, i don't have much time left with my friend. i feel selfish because i know that this time, she should be with her family and they should be spending "quality" time with her. but, i want to go out for lunch and drive and look at crafts with her. but really, i just want all this to go away. i want my friend back. good and healthy and happy.