Vent: Smashed confidence

[mrs.rn2be]

Hi everyone,

Just looking for some insight/ venting a little. I am a new grad nurse. Graduated in May, Licensed in July and first position accepted in October at a LTC facility for 3-11pm shift. I will tell you first, LTC was the absolute last thing I wanted to do. Not because I don't feel like it's not what a "nurse" does, just because I have always been more interested in women's health/L&D/ peds... you get the picture Anyway, at the time the position was offered my husband was the only one working and we were struggling BAD! I took the position and cried tears of joy, knowing our family (we have 2 kids 9 and 6) wasn't going to struggle anymore! Well during orientation (7-3pm shift) something felt different to me. This was unlike anything I ever saw during hospital rotations. I had a different preceptor every day and depending on who I was with, I could predict how the day would go. I started to get anxious as I would anticipate preceptors. I decided I wanted to push on a really make it work.

When my ADON came to me asking me how I felt, I told her I still have a lot to learn but things are going well. I asked her if there were any open positions on 7-3pm and she said not at this time. She was thrilled to hear that I was looking for a 7-3 and told me I would be next on her list to offer that position to. During this visit, she also told me that I would be switching from 7-3 orientation to the shift I would be working 3-11 December 7th. I was bummed as I really liked 7-3.

When the day came for switch from 7-3 to 3-11 I was physically sick to my stomach that day. I thought that maybe I had picked up something and brushed it off. I spent 2 weeks orienting during 3-11 when it was sprung on me that my orientation would be "cut short because they really needed me on the floor." The ADON said the best way to tell you're ready is to just get out there. The following week I was on my own 3-11. I have to say, I feel I organized myself and managed my time well. I was praised by the other nurses who said they thought it was great that I was getting done on time. However, inside I felt terrible. I sometimes would get terrible anxiety when I got home thinking if I might have forgotten to do something. I would be up all night tossing and turning. I hoped this feeling would go away as time went on, but it only got worse.

One night I had to ask one of the nurses there who is sometimes the Supervisor at the desk for help. I needed to flush a Foley and had never done that before. I told him/her I didn't know where the flushes were kept and she/he happily showed me. To cut out all of the details, this nurse wound up flushing the Foley with tap water from the residents sink. Something didn't feel right to me but at the time I couldn't put my finger on it. I thanked the nurse for the help and continued the rest of my shift. When I got home that night, I was looking up the procedure and the right way to flush a Foley. Well, I will say it was NOTHING that he showed me. I was so upset I cried the whole next day, thinking of all of the things that might happen to that resident. I went in again and immediately told the supervisor for the night what had happened.

After this, I started to dread going to work. I would have diarrhea 3-4x's in a day before my shift. I've lost a total of 10 pounds in a month since switching to evening shift. I started crying before my shift etc. I kept saying to my husband, how can I feel safe in practice if I can't trust one of the supervisors I need to frequently work with (there are other things with this person, not just this one incident)

To really cut the rest short, I went from a full-time to PRN status. After this weekend and really thinking things through I decided to give my 2 weeks' notice. I turned it in yesterday. I don't want to go back to that place ever again. My confidence in myself has been squashed and there are days I don't really think nursing is for me. There are days I really feel like I am meant to be a nurse and then thinking of this experience throws me down again. I am trying to pick myself up and brush it off but there are so many emotions running through my head.

Thank you for reading this terrifyingly LONG post and allowing me to vent!

[Libby1987]

Hugs. That was horrible mentorship and can see why you would loathe going there with that kind of poor resource.

But your confidence in yourself should be high, it sounds like you adapted, learned quickly and possess inherent abilities.

[calivianya, BSN, RN]

You did what you felt was right for you, but I'm a little concerned you jumped ship on the best place you could possibly be working. LTC is a ton of work. I've heard lots of stories about one or two day orientations... the fact that you got several weeks, and had staff that were very helpful even if they didn't do things quite right, makes me think you are in for a shock when you get your next job.

At least you did it right with the two weeks' notice, so if your next place is really horrible, you haven't burned your bridge here and you may be able to come back.

[mrs.rn2be]

libby1987 thank you so much for your kind words :-) they mean a lot to me.

[mrs.rn2be]

Thank you for your response. I will tell you there is some other details I didn't include to spare the readers a novel. I am so heartbroken that I needed to resign. I loved working, but hated the circumstances. Sometimes I felt good that I was completing everything on time and sometimes I felt clueless. I don't like not being able to trust a preceptor/supervisor. Especially at the stage I'm at now, needing support. Also, the scheduled 3-11 shifts were much harder for me/my family which is another HUGE reason I decided to look for another position. I would be lying if I told you I wasn't nervous for my future in nursing. Before this job I was confident, and excited to learn. I hope that comes back to me.

You did what you felt was right for you, but I'm a little concerned you jumped ship on the best place you could possibly be working. LTC is a ton of work. I've heard lots of stories about one or two day orientations... the fact that you got several weeks, and had staff that were very helpful even if they didn't do things quite right, makes me think you are in for a shock when you get your next job.

At least you did it right with the two weeks' notice, so if your next place is really horrible, you haven't burned your bridge here and you may be able to come back.