TPAPN RANT

None of this trash has an **** thing to do with recovery. It is a business pure and simple. We are a number in a file folder that exists solely for the means to extract as much money as possible from. They work off of a culture of fear.

I have never been on probation in the criminal justice system but from what I understand, the rules are crystal clear. You follow them and all is well. You do so to a tee and you may even get cut loose early. You don't and the consequences are also crystal clear.

With these programs, what you do may or may not be wrong, may or may not be accidental, may or may not even be your fault or may or may not even exist. All of it may depend on the mood or whim of some case manager, the direction of the wind and the phase of the moon.

God forbid you complain or question. You will be punished in some way that will undoubtedly cost money.

There is no rhyme or reason and you will drive yourself batty trying to think that there might be. Whatever semblance of recovery you may find is not going to be courtesy of this garbage. I do agree that this is truly punishment and psychological but warfare. If the people that run these programs are aware of what it does to people, they don't care. If they are not aware, then they are a special kind of horrible.

I personally will make it through but be assured I will bear scars for a very very long time, if forever. This experience has changed me and not for the better.

Kel,

When I started my step down year in December the same thing happened. I was called for like 5 tests in a months time after I got the step down email. I swear, they wanted to see if I would quickly fall off the wagon once I was told testing would be decreased. So stupid. But for the most part it has evened out. I would say I get tested about every 20-30 days now, with some random surprises. I believe another nurse on here said her CM told her she would have 18 tests the final year. Either way, it is a big sham and a money grab. So ready to be done with these people.. I am very tired of having different case managers that do not even know me. I am a number to them and it scares me as they have no idea how hard I have worked or who I am today. One false positive and my life could all come crashing down on me. Scary stuff.

I am very lucky to just have has one and she's great. Last year's primary worry will be getting a different one I guess.

I thought I would add to this rant. I feel like TPAPN is stalking me lol. I had posted about having bad headaches a few weeks ago and fearing that I would need to go see a doctor to get on something for them. I have not done that yet but am still having headaches multiple times a week. I have this paranoid delusion that TPAPN read my post and knows it is me and is testing me extra! I am in my step down year and have been pulled 4 TIMES since July 20th to test. two in one week. IDK what is going on! Did my CM take me off step down testing?? I don't want to talk to her, EVER, until she sends me the "you're done" email. It is just so typical! I am so bitter about this and this whole program I want to scream. UGH. 4 more months unless I pee sideways wrong. And, I think it is total BS that we do not have access to our original "online" participation consents and forms. The whole program is a money grabbing joke, and if you get sober in the meantime, good for you, but we are still going to wring every last dime we can out of you.

Wow. That is a bummer. My official step down date was July 19. No test since then but I'm sure I'll get bombed. Right before step down I had sex in a month and a half.

I feel you on the headaches. Have been having a real bad problem with tendonitis in the thumb and finger. No doctor for me. Not even for an eye test. Postponing everything until this is done, taking no chances. I'll tell you what the minute I'm logged out of affinity. I am dying my hair, rolling around in 8 different kinds of body lotion after the shower, and then bathing myself and insecticide and finally enjoying the woods.

I was lucky enough to have only one case manager for my whole 3 years in TPAPN, and he was great, humorous and understanding. I avoided all doctors for the first 2 years too, but finally realized that TPAPN won't know if I go to a doctor unless I tell them. The doctors and the case managers do not have the time to keep open communication on all of us just to report appointments!

Ash, the thing about TPAPN stalking you after you'd posted about your headaches....I always wondered that too! What if one of my posts said something that clued in my case manager as to who I was?? What if these boards aren't confidential? I've read people saying that the monitoring programs really do read here....but if our case managers have 100 nurses they're responsible for, how on earth would they single out me? Unless I wrote something specific. And as I reviewed my old posts, I realized that in fact I have written about a couple situations that are very unique. So idk if the case managers read here, and the chances would be slim that out of the hundreds of posts just on the Recovery site each week that my post would be read and identified, it's still possible. But here's the thing...I was paranoid, I was worried about whatever...taking a trip, dying my hair etc. But all my concerns were totally above board. I always made sure to add to my post the fact that I'm doing nothing wrong, and don't plan to!

As far as the timing of increased testing, I am sure there are statistics or beliefs that at certain landmarks, like the 2 year mark, a birthday, a holiday, a divorce, new job, etc, people tend to "slip up" either due to stress or the belief that since they've always been tested every X days, that'll continue and they can risk a glass of champagne at a wedding, or whatever. So it's not totally random, they can increase testing manually any time they think it's warranted.

The good new is my contract end date was supposed to be August 20, 2018, and I was officially released on July 25! Plus, it wasn't just out of the blue, 6 days prior to my end date my case manager notified me (on a day that I was selected to test) that he'd be closing my case as soon as my test results from that day came back negative. And he did. And immediately after receiving his email that I was done, which included an attached official TPAPN completion letter (no waiting for anything in the mail) he also shut off my ability to log into Affinity so I was in no doubt that it really was over!

So yeah, it does suck, all of it, but there are good case managers out there and there are successful endings! I truly believe you're right that they have zero clue how psychological stressful this is to all of us! Except maybe the ones who do know, and they're relishing that power! But my CM was a good guy.

This experience has changed me and not for the better.

I will go to my grave bitter as hell at my destroyed career. I have been through with the daily call-ins that lasted SIX YEARS since 2012. I was never able to get a decent job because I have a permanent black mark from one mistake that I made during my first year of nursing.

I am crippled from arthritis now and barely surviving financially but my anger at being treated like worthless human trash will burn in my soul forever. There is a special place in hell for those nurses who never let me have a second chance even after I became completely clean, sober, and program compliant.

Any other profession would have let me atone and perhaps even admired my grit in maintaining recovery. Not nursing.

I will go to my grave bitter as hell at my destroyed career.

Ditto that. My career and everything I have worked for has been destroyed because I had the audacity to have a mental illness. I have been treated like an individual with substance issues and while I respect the strength of those who fight that fight every day, it is not my battle. I have a different daily fight and to face the stigma of substance use on top of the stigma of mental illness, thanks to these programs, yes I will reserve my right to be bitter as hell. The next person that gives me platitudes and slogans of 'let it go', etc can **** right ***.

Only in nursing, a profession where we are tasked with caring for the sick, do the so called 'advocacy' programs (excuse me while I choke on my coffee) put money, power and control over caring for thier own. It baffles me and and makes me sad at the same time.