thoughts from within

[Leilah75_RN]

Odd title for nclex forum huh? well, it is about nclex and my thoughts that are lurking inside of me that i cannot express. my body is trying to cope, my brain doesnt seem to work, and anger and self pity seems ruling my present life. not to scream my unfortunate story outta here but i know that someone somewhere here will understand what i am going through...

I started at young age fufilling my dreams to become a nurse and to travel at the same time. been to different countries working as a nurse. been successful earning well in KSA and London. i have supported my family since mom and pop retired from their work. i have been supporting my sister with her college(law), sending financial help for mom and pop for their medical needs. they were both early 60s and been taking loads of medicines for high blood pressure, arthritis, cardiomegaly, ulcer and diabetes. their pension doesnt seem enough for medicine costs. and then i fell inlove. dang! i said to mysef, it is time for me to think about myself. we planned well. my parents are ever so understanding...i just got promoted when i left London since my husband wanted me to be with him here in USA. i left everything. didnt realize the chaos of life i will face being with him. i dont mind having two instant kids (1 step son and 1 bro in law), its the new family that i found. his mom is a drug addict with a very young bf, his dad is a gambler who found out about the cheating mom. his sister doesnt seems to care. see the chaos ive been through? with all the problems,we need to get his youngest brother. i cannot get a job because of them.i cannot even send my parents money when they needed it badly when my father had a bleeding ulcer and been hospitalized because of that. had 1 unit of blood transfusion. He wants me to pass nclex. but i just couldnt find time to study. now, with the mom figure gone(i dont know where his mom is, she only shows whenever she needs money), i am left with all the responsibility. he doesnt have money, means i need to get all my savings out to help the family survive and give the kids better life. i asked him about me not prepared for the test, but he doesnt listen. so to avoid confrontation and anger, i took it last Dec and failed. now it is still the same scenario. my family is taking all my time and no matter how much i beg, he doesnt listen. my opthalmologist said that i am starting to have a glaucoma. my husband thinks that i am malingering with terrible headaches, eye pain and blurring of vision. and even blamed me for buying a bike than my eye glasses(glaucoma has been diagnosed after i bought my bike which i needed since i still cant drive). he even asked me if i am ready to take the test this coming april 20 and i said no cuz i havent been studying enough to feel confident taking it. and there goes the usual angry husband stuff which always makes me feel rough all the time. i am not an angry person. i am trying to cope up with my present situation, but i need help too. all i am feeling right now is my existance in his family life is being just a maid who washes clothes and dishes, who takes care of the kids cuz no one does, who cooks and cleans the house. and it is the same thing over and over again.and it isfor free!..i get complaints and whines whenever there's no toilet towels....i am trying to be the best wife he can have but all i am asking is to give me time to rest and study. to pass nclex and claim my self confidence and self worth back...but that seems imposible....i dont know what to do anymore. sometimes i think about leaving, but often times i think about the kids, the marriage...i often ended crying whenever i call agencies and hospitals here if they can give me any job available and turns me down either because i am over qualified or i am not certified. and $8-10/hr will not be sufficient enough to pay for child care.

i am so sorry for posting my thoughts. and thanks for reading. i just couldnt find a place where they can understand me. i feel weak and discouraged. i dont have inspiration to go on anymore. i am alone here in USA. and even if i livewith my husband , i just dont feel he treats me as his family...

God listens to me everyday. and he gives me eternal love for the kids. and the kids are such a great joy to me. it is the workload and constant nagging from my husband that makes me insane.they were really a handful.they rarely eat fastfood so i cook 3mealsx2 a day, 2 different kinds of diets.. i pray things will change. and i hope they wil understand that taking nclex is a matter of timing and preparation, not a sort of "just do it cuz we need it" way of thinking...

again, thanks for reading....

[nurse4theplanet, RN]

I don't know what to say...my heart goes out to you.

You and your husband need to be on some common ground. Your marriage is a partnership. His parents problems should be the least of your worries and it is his position to deal with them. Financially, you must worry about yourself and your children. You need to explain to your husband that it is to his benefit, as well as the entire family's benefit, that you have time to prepare for the NCLEX so you can secure a solid income. This means he is going to have to assume some responsibility within the household.

You must also take care of your health. What good are you to anyone if you are not physically and emotionally at your best? The answer is none. It sounds like you are very isolated and depressed. Are there any support groups in your area...women's groups, church groups, etc.?

[Leilah75_RN]

i dont have anyone with me, as i have said, i rarely see other people to talk with personally. my life here is surrounded only with the kids and husband. i admit being depressed most of the time. and as much as i dont want that to happen, i just cant control it. my friends from ondon calls me once in a whie, telling me how much they miss my company and which area of europe theyve been and how they wished i coud join them. makes me sad even more tho....hehehe..

finances is a bit of a problem. he earns just well enough for the family. he works in the military. when he was in Iraq, his ex-wife left him and eloped with his neighbor leaving him with huge finacial crisis and not a single penny on his account. plus asked for more child support even if the kid stays with me more. she even used the military hospital for her pregnancy with another man since at they werent divorce at that time. that started my husbands anger...his past still hunts him... i just dont know if he trusts me as well. he sends money for his dad who apparently is too lazy to work. he sent him overseas to get away from his mom or else one of them will do something nasty with each other. i feel really isolated. he doesnt understand what i am going through and whenever i explain it to him, he either burst out in anger or stops me from explaining. he knows he needs to take over when i cannot do the job because of certain reason, but he just complains that he is aready too tired working all he wants to do is rest. how i wish i could get rest after 8 hours of work plus weekends off...all i can hear is complaints..and even if i find atleast an hour to study, i am already feeling tired to concentrate...

[nurse4theplanet, RN]

You need to find a support group asap. There should be something available on base, a military wives group or a family readiness group.

How long have you and your husband been married? How long has it been since he has been home from Iraq? I am asking because my husband served in Iraq as well and suffered from PTSD when he returned, which took a huge toll on our marriage...he had terrible mood swings and bursts of anger...he came home a really different person. It took almost a year for him to get back to 'normal' and we also participated in marriage counseling. Your husband may be experiencing something similar, coupled with the embarassment, hurt, anger, and resentment of his ex-wife having an affair while he was away.

If you are depressed you need to see a physician as soon as possible. Depression is not something you can control or ignore, it will take its hold on you.

[Leilah75_RN]

he is a 2003 iraq veteran. he served as a corpsman. when he came home he doesnt understand why his mom is the only person who welcomed him. everything is kept secret since a week after he arrived. they told him that she was visiting her mom in VA. she brought his son with her. her 2nd son were actually born in military base using my husbands military priveledges. and yes, the bursts of anger started with the betrayal, the sleepless nights and nightmares started soon after his last month in iraq when he saw civilian kids and babies died on his arms since he is the 1st responder as a corpsman and coudnt do anything to save them. he already attended counselling and even removed his name on last years list to go back to iraq. when people are around, he seems like a very sweet oving person, but when our door closes, he becomes a man with a lot of stuff to carry in his heart. he tends to be bossy.

with my depression, i am trying to fight it. i dont drive and the base is very far. i still need him to bring me there. would you think he will understand if i see a psychologist or..??? it will be the start of another argument.

[nurse4theplanet, RN]

That's an argument worth having, unless you are being physically abused. If you are in immediate danger leave NOW and find a women's shelter.

[Leilah75_RN]

he doesnt do physical abuse, he gets me more verbally. and it sticks in my brain and within my soul. makes me sad really. my only enlightenment are the words from my kids "love me mama and i wil love you forever" (the kids requested if they can call me mama instead of tita -->aunt)

[whirlwind]

gee....i'm lost for words...

the only thing i can do right now is to offer a prayer for you to be more strong, have good health and to be safe always..

[Leilah75_RN]

My ex-nurse manager in London sent me an Email and she told me that she has now been promoted as the Chief nurse of the whole hospital (it is a 1,450 bed capacity tertiary hospital in London). she told me that my 2 colleage of which the same grade as i am has been promoted to assistant head nurse. she also said, It couldve been me if i stayed and asked me to come back to England. I didnt reply back yet. I cried when i read the letter and how worthy she made me feel. but it is the choice that i made. i am staying here to build a family. i just hope someday this family that i dearly love will see my importance and existance...

[LZRN]

You are obviously a very brave & incredible person! Just know your not alone!

[mrmj]

OMG, I really dont know what to say, my prayers goes out to u girl. I totally feel u, I just hope that You dont forget to love urself too coz if u dont NO ONE ELSE WILL.

[MomenTs]

You are an inspiration Leilah. Good luck with your studying. You've done this far, you will do in the coming days as well. And, don't compare urself with ur frens back in London ... it will only make u feel more bad. Everyone has a problem...it's only in different forms. And, we will continue to have problems always - only in different forms. Today, this is ur biggest problem, tomorrow something else will --- so, just keep driving urself to study for ur exam and pass it. U know u have the knowledge...u just need little bit more practice. U fall, u pick urself up and carry on in life. Don't let the negativities in ur life blurrr the beautiful person u are. Good luck. Prayers and best wishes.