I remember what it was like to be a new nurse, being unsure of what or how to do whatever my patient needed. I jumped in and asked a lot of questions and for the most part, my more seasoned coworkers helped me out by guiding me to the appropriate solution. I learned by listening to and watching those nurses. There were a few nurses who were difficult, who didn't want to help a newbie out; I rapidly determined who those nurses were and didn't go to them with my questions or for guidance. Eventually, I became a seasoned nurse and enjoyed helping the next generation, and then the one after that. I was a good nurse, conscientious and loved my job and loved learning.
Somewhere down the line, I became an old nurse in a new position; I retired after 30 years in one hospital system and decided to try something new, totally new, in a totally new state 1200 miles away from home. It took a lot of nerve, but I knew inside me it was something I needed to do if only to prove to myself that I could. I was recruited for my new job and was well qualified for my the position, I had been a co-investigator on a research project, had published an abstract for a national conference, had experience and was certified. My new job was in New England and I loved the scenery, the ocean and life there; but I found I had lots of things to learn--the local hospitals and clinics, the likes and dislikes of my "new" chronic patients, which pharmacy would compound meds and which ones always lost the script we sent, the nearby resources that my patients needed, the preferences of each of the three doctors I now worked with. I worked as the only nurse in my clinic three out of my four work days. I struggled with not having my fellow nurses to talk to, consult with, commiserate with. I struggled not being known for my abilities and my knowledge and skill. Everything that makes me a good nurse I had to prove again. I received very little orientation to this new job and although I did my best, eventually I decided it wasn't working out; the job wasn't a good fit for me and I wasn't a good fit for the job.
Move ahead two years and I am back in the Midwest, my part of the country; working at a big city hospital. I was really excited to be back with my original love, the NICU. This 100+ bed inner-city unit was much larger than my previous NICU. I could work an entire shift and never see a fourth of the nurses working that night. I honestly felt lost there, I knew no one, no one knew me. Again I wasn't known for my skills or abilities. To them I was just a new nurse, I was treated with less than respect by many. I toughened up to that treatment. Even after two years I just don't fit in...I had surgery and was off 4 months, one person came to see me and when I came back to work very few noticed that I had been gone; I got married and no bridal shower, only one coworker came to my reception. Many notices/invitations for bridal showers and baby showers for other nurses cover the bulletin boards in the lounge and the Facebook page was full of them as well.
I float into a different part of the NICU and I get the easy assignments, the ones a non-NICU float could handle. I missed having sick babies, I offer to start PIVs and am declined as "this kid is a hard stick". In my former jobs I have placed many an IV in many a patient, many times when no one else could get one; however my skill is not accepted here, I am not known.
I have been certified in high-risk neonatal nursing for 25 years, I was one of the first in my hospital to take the certification exam. There are a few nurses who trust me, but for the most part, I am new and therefore without skills. This a hard concept to accept, I sometimes take it personally, I wonder if indeed I'm "too old". Providers also question my capability to care for my assigned babies. I often hear "I haven't seen you here before" or "are you floating" or "where do you usually work?" I feel like I am constantly trying to validate my qualification to be here, and that's frustrating and sometimes humiliating.
So here I am two years later, still explaining carefully that I know what I am doing, still hoping to be accepted and have coworkers acknowledge my skill and knowledge. I am trying really hard to accept that this is the way it is, that most likely the culture of nursing will not change. Sometimes I think about retiring early and doing something else with my time, but I do love my patients and for the most part, love my job. For right now I will just settle for being not known.
