The perfect storm

I have never wanted to quit nursing in my 24yr ER career until now. (Brief history before I start). My interim manager was my coworker and for what ever reason she never liked me. I’ve NEVER been written up in my life. I had brought harassment charges against her within the last 4 months and lost. Nobody wins harassment at the VA. It’s very common to be harassed and not be able to do anything. I recently contacted my union rep about new charges against her. This is how crazy it is here.
now to the current issues

almost a month ago I had a pt in ETOH withdrawal who also was an ex heroin user. The Dr gives me a verbal order for 2mg of Ativan but outs in for 1mg. I didn’t check the order. I was so freaking busy. (Bad nursing practice yes...diversion no). I go to Pyxis and there’s been 2 discrepancies from the night before that we’re not resolved all day. I grab Ativan out of Pyxis and hit that theres 11 vials found but actually it was 10. I swear under my breath and grab the ticket and bring it to the charge RN immediately and tell her we have to resolve it before she leaves.

I attempt an IV for 45 min or more with 3 unsuccessful attempts. I give up on it and accidentally throw away the vial of Ativan with all the garbage from IV attempts. I realize this and start digging in garbage but it’s too full to find. I leave the room and notice the charge leaves an elderly man In the WC in another room in my area who’s actively bleeding from his skull laceration. CT calls for this pt and of course we’re very short staffed so I have to wheel him down there (which is a far walk)

I come back and see a NOC nurse who is awesome at difficult sticks. He gets the IV in the pt calf and I grab another vial if Ativan. I give the med to the pt and go to chart the IV. I guess I didn’t chart the Ativan which is very unusual for me. So now it’s time to give report to next RN which I do. It’s well past my time to leave and I leave exhausted and frustrated at yet another crappy day in ER without enough staff AND Without reconciling the Ativan.
I come back the next day and tell the charge RN we need to reconcile. She says it’s been done by the interim manager already. I think to myself. oh ***! She’s gonna use this against me. I immediately go to her office and she tells me we can meet later with the pharmacist to straighten it out. I wait hours for this to happen. I wanna tell what happened. I don’t trust this manager. The Manger never comes to ask. I ask the pharmacist when we can all meet so I can tell them what happened. She says she isn’t the contact person for these types of things. I thought that strange. But nothing happens.
Then another 2 weeks go by and I don’t think anything if it until this manager tells me late in the day I need to go for a drug test. I knew I would be positive for cannibals (it’s legal in the state but not federally). My thoughts are it’s better to do pot than becoming addicted to opiates which I’ve lost 3 friends to overdoses I have a herniated disc that needs surgery. I refuse opiates from Drs (yes stupid move for pot use)

I drop urine. I’m distraught and leave work sick. I knew she would be relentless. I come back next day and work another week then I get pulled off the floor one day and reassigned to doing 1:1s. On the floor No patient care.
I’m informed I’m under OIG investigation for drug diversion. I’m sick to my stomach. I begin to feel suicidal (I’m not now ... I have a strong church family supporting me) The thing is... I have an RX for xanax that I rarely take. I had it for several months prior to this, since my dad died. I developed anxiety during his illness and this manger harassing me and refusing to let me take FMLA.
I can’t believe this is happening. I think to myself this is the perfect storm. I’m trusting in God and hoping the truth comes out. I’ll take consequences of pos drug test for pot. But I refuse to admit to diverting. I did not divert. I never would. It was bad nursing practice. I should have verified order and charted it. I also have xanax at home at my disposal if needed. I am sick to my stomach that this is ending my career. I have lots of coworkers that wrote letters to vouch for me. But I don’t think it will help. Any thoughts??