I've noticed some difficulty on this site (and everywhere), in treating black people (and other minorities) with compassion when they seek advice about how to cope with racism, bias or isolation due to their minority status. For some reason it seems to be difficult for some to offer the kindness and support that they would offer in any other situation.
I think it might be helpful, to respond to reports of racism/bias/isolation in the same way you would respond to reports of chronic back pain. I thankfully don't suffer from back pain, but from what I hear from those who do, it is nearly impossible to understand unless you have felt it. You might not see it on an x-ray, but you know it's there.
I know this is not a perfect analogy, but I think it's a good guideline to use if you are truly interested in understanding and supporting someone, and having a real conversation. I suspect these rules can apply for any minority, but I can only speak from my own perspective as a black person. (FYI, if you have black friends who have never mentioned the existence of racism or its effect on them, they most likely consider you an acquaintance).
"Black Pain as Back Pain": Providing support
If someone tells you their back is in pain, believe them. Don't tell them it doesn't/shouldn't hurt. Don't explain why you think it it is illogical for them to be feeling pain; they have heard your explanation more times than you can imagine, and it did not help.
Recognize their experience. Do not ask the person if they have considered the possibility that the pain is actually in their shoulder, or foot, or ear, as if they have never felt pain in those places and could not distinguish the difference.
Don't assume that the person is blaming you personally for their pain, or implying that because you don't have pain in your back, you have never experienced any pain of your own.
Don't judge them for how they are dealing with the pain, and don't provide a list of things you think they have done to bring the pain upon themselves. Don't tell them they must want to be in pain.
Don't compare your sprained ankle, sore elbow, broken tailbone to their back pain in an attempt to prove your expertise and force them to take your advice.
Don't talk about your other "friend" who has back pain but doesn't complain about it, or your friend who also fell down but doesn't have any back pain.
Don't complain about how you are tired of all the focus on back pain, and don't use this moment to grouse about all the back pain sufferers who are faking it to game the system
If the person ever asks you not to lean on them/bump into them as it aggravates their back pain, just agree not to do it again. Do not get indignant and insist that you are not a sadist. Do not tell the person that since you didn't intend to hurt them, you could not have caused pain. Do not recount the volunteer work you have done at the spinal pain institute for children. Do not turn the conversation to how they are causing YOU pain by telling you about their own.
Using what you have learned about back pain from what your friend has shared, pass this knowledge along to others who may have some of the same misconceptions you once did.
Please respond. But please, if you are going to respond with some variation of the above, take the time to explain why you think it's a helpful thing to say to someone.
Specializes in Med/ Surg/ Telemetry, Public Health.
Yes, all is entitled to post opinions BUT!!!!!!!!!!!!I don't get it, It starts off about a black friend then goes to back pain, WTH. Are you comparing "black pain" to back pain? It's not humorus or informative, basically not good. I think someone of the African American race may read this and think it's offensive or coming off sarcastic. What is the purpose of this Post? I don't get?
Specializes in Psych, ICU,clinic supervis case manager,.
I don't understand the point of this post really.
Have you back pain and/or have u been discriminated against? You sound very bitter.
Since we can't give out medical advice - please see your GP/PCP.
And since we aren't allowed to be racist, complain to your boss/police if anyone has been racist towards you.
What IS the point of your post??
As a mental health nurse I can't believe the tone of your reply...it seems like a lot of projection to me...what do you mean about we aren't allow to be racist...is this a joke...who's monitoring you??? America is built on racism. Twice you mention that you don't understand the point of the post...then you mention seeing your PCP for back pain...the writer isn't saying that she has back pain...and complaining to your BOSS or the POLICE each time you felt you were discriminated against will get you a one way ticket to the psych ward where a RN that reads the way she listens will say, "This patient feels she is being persecuted, she's definitely paranoid schiz
I don't whether to laugh or cry at this post, but if a nurse is this insensitive and closed minded with a fellow nurse, God help the patients that speak out of turn or don't look like him/her.
Thank you for your post OP. I find the analogy to back pain illuminating. To my black friend who has confided in me: While my elbow pain is not back pain it gives me a small insight into what you are going through. Like intractable back pain I can't really know how pervasive and difficult this is for you. My (pre-analogy) apparent denial of your pain is really a desire that such pain *should* not exist. I know your value because you are my friend, it IS so unfair that others do not see you or your pain as legitimate. Unfortunately, just like with back pain, some nurses and other people say, "You are just seeking attention". Also, unfortunately, I do not have any medications or non-pharmacological methods of pain relief except listening and empathizing. OP: do you have other methods of relief I can offer for back pain? Thank you for this insight.
#4. "The moment you had the thought that your class lacked "diversity" you isolated yourself."
Thats a very helpful statment if you think about it, you should also quote the part where i state im not being rude and to base your ideas of thoes around you by character, not color, as being a nurse you will always be in thoes situations.
Thank you for your post OP. I find the analogy to back pain illuminating. To my black friend who has confided in me: While my elbow pain is not back pain it gives me a small insight into what you are going through. Like intractable back pain I can't really know how pervasive and difficult this is for you. My (pre-analogy) apparent denial of your pain is really a desire that such pain *should* not exist. I know your value because you are my friend, it IS so unfair that others do not see you or your pain as legitimate. Unfortunately, just like with back pain, some nurses and other people say, "You are just seeking attention". Also, unfortunately, I do not have any medications or non-pharmacological methods of pain relief except listening and empathizing. OP: do you have other methods of relief I can offer for back pain? Thank you for this insight.
I don't think there is anything wrong with talking about your own pain, and it can be helpful when that's your intent. What I find unhelpful is when people talk about their pain only as a way to dismiss the other person. Comments such as "I've felt something like that too" are fine until they're followed by "so we all have problems, stop complaining." Listening and empathizing do help a lot, as with many problems that's sometimes the only thing you can do. What also helps is educating other people, you're opinion may hold a lot more weight than the person actually suffering the pain.
mzrainydayz, BSN, RN
364 Posts
Yes, all is entitled to post opinions BUT!!!!!!!!!!!!I don't get it, It starts off about a black friend then goes to back pain, WTH. Are you comparing "black pain" to back pain? It's not humorus or informative, basically not good. I think someone of the African American race may read this and think it's offensive or coming off sarcastic. What is the purpose of this Post? I don't get?