Students want to be "friends"

Whispera, MSN, RN · Mar 1, 2009

Students do tend to question us, but if they didn't I'd worry about them and think they weren't thinking about what they're learning. Sure, sometimes they're confrontive in their manner of doing it, but that's something we have to deal with. If they are abrupt with you and you're abrupt back at them, you're likely to find they're abrupt back at you again. It's a no-win situation.

I don't think any of them want to be our friends. They just want us to be at LEAST competent, calm, fair, and consistent. It's also very helpful if we present a topic in an interesting way!

llg, PhD, RN · Mar 1, 2009

I aim for pleasant and polite, but socially reserved ... which still allows for an appropriate social separation, but doesn't come across as rude or abrupt. I believe that social "grace and consideration" is possible without compromising professional boundaries.

You can respect the student's feelings and show that you care about them without being their best friend. In other words, Smile and be firmly professional at the same time. It works.

AOx1 · Mar 2, 2009

Ensuring your communication isn't abrupt is very different from being friends. A friendship with a student while they are still a student is an overstepping of boundaries. For example, I don't feel it's appropriate to attend social events outside of school with a student. By comparison, you can speak in a direct but not abrupt manner and still maintain your professional boundaries.

If the more than one student is telling you that your manner is abrupt, you may want to reconsider how you come across to them. Just because we are in a position of authority doesn't mean we can't be kind, supportive, and polite, while still maintaining our authority. I remember many of my instructors didn't practice the compassion, holistic care, and communication skills they preached. I am determined to do things differently as an instructor.

I am grateful when my students are willing to take the risk to discuss things with me. It shows a maturity on their part (instead of just gossiping about you behind your back) and a desire to improve relationships.

If a student questions something, I require them to bring proof from several sources (for example, if they question a test item). We can't know it all, and at times they may be right. We should WANT them to ask questions, it shows they are taking initiative and interest in their learning.

Students need encouragement, just as we all do.

BigBadInstructor · Mar 2, 2009

Sometimes its hard to see yourself from another person's perspective, especially a student. But be glad that they are willing to give you feedback. I would take it from that point of view. I tell all my faculty that when guiding students, do it from a positive feedback point of view. And I tell students, that faculty will be giving feedback, and they need to look at it as positive. We are asking them to change behavior, and sometimes long time, comfortable behavior. Its hard work. So the reverse is true also. I would rather have a student come and talk with me, than file a grievance for how I communicate with them. Been there, done that.

Never be buddy, buddy with students, never pays off. We are there to do a job, and sometimes that job means that the student will be failed out. Always be professional, positive, inspirational, nice, but never take them into your "heart." This is a hard one for faculty to learn, but learn we must.

Good luck!

VickyRN, MSN, DNP, RN · Mar 5, 2009

Being "friends" with students is not in our job descriptions as nurse educators. We are there to mentor our students and teach them the science of nursing and model the art of nursing.

In fact, becoming too chummy with students is dangerous professionally as this will cause conflicts of interest and appearances of favoritism.

On the other hand, positive interpersonal skills in dealing with students - especially the immature or challenging students - are a must. We should be therapeutic, yet authoritative and professional.

suni, BSN, RN · Mar 8, 2009

I see this with the nursing instructors at our facility. Students call them by their first name and they go to break and lunch together, even go out for meals after clinical.

This is a dangerous road, you are all correct, instructors are educators and should be treated with some degree of professionalism . Many of the instructors are young and have not been out of school that long themselves but I really have an issue with this. I think it is more difficult to get respect, sort of like being a friend to your teenager instead of a parent, just my opinion

meluhn · Mar 9, 2009

As a new instructor I am struggling with this. It feels wierd to me to have to tell a student to put their cell phone away at clinical after just having a nice little chat with them. I do it but it is very awkward. I don't offer my personal information but my students tell me about their lives. It is hard for me to avoid these conversations especially in clinical when we all only have a few tables to sit at when we are charting. I don't go to lunch with them or see them outside of school but they do seek my advice and share things with me.

At my school the students do call the instructors by their 1st names. I too found this odd but coming in midway through the semester I didn't want to rock the boat, especially since I am the same age or slightly older than many of my students.

We are starting a new semester soon, Does anyone think I should tell my new students to call me Mrs. ____? It is a vocational school LPN program and I am not a "Prof." or a "DR" (yet), just a BSN.

Whispera, MSN, RN · Mar 9, 2009

Where I taught for a decade, all instructors were called by their first names, always. I don't know the reason, but that's the way it was.

I think if you set up the rules at the beginning, you can feel better enforcing them (cellphones, etc.). You SHOULD set up the rules anyway and put them in writing so they can't say they didn't know.

I do eat lunch with my students, and always have. It's a way to get to know what's on their minds and how they're doing. I'm the psych instructor though, so that might make a difference. It's never been a problem. At the end of the semester we go out for lunch together too, to celebrate.

I'm rather strict in class and expect the rules to be followed, and there are lots of consequences for acting out or lack of responsibility. That being said, I see myself as a facilitator of my students' learning...more of a partner than a boss. It's kind of like Orem's theory. I help them do what they need to do for themselves until they can do it without me.

meluhn · Mar 9, 2009

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I do eat lunch with my students, and always have. It's a way to get to know what's on their minds and how they're doing. I'm the psych instructor though, so that might make a difference. It's never been a problem. At the end of the semester we go out for lunch together too, to celebrate.

The problem with that is that I need to evaluate them based on their performance, and if I like or dislike them, it might affect the grade I am giving them. I try to be very objective when I am grading. I try to keep a little distance so that I can be impartial but it is so hard.

Whispera, MSN, RN · Mar 9, 2009

I guess I just don't think in terms of liking or not liking them when I need to evaluate. It's irrelevant to me. They have tasks to accomplish appropriately. They have checklists to complete. They have objective tests to pass. They also self-evaluate each day of clinical and at the end of the semester.

BigBadInstructor · Mar 9, 2009

Remember as faculty we are advisors, and not counselors. Our faculty was told this by on-site visitors from our Board of Nursing. This really does help faculty when students start talking or asking help with their personal lives. Send students with counseling problems to your counselors. It's very hard not to be "friends, buddy buddy" with your students, but having just one student file a grievance against you, when you thought you were friends, will do the trick. Remember they are not your friends, they are your students, and should be treated as such. They will turn on you very fast. So always be professional, be nice, but never, ever friends. I don't think it really matters what you have students call you, as long as you are comfortable with it. I never eat with my students, because I feel they need the time away from faculty to be themselves. But again, that is up to you. Remember to treat all of your students the same when it comes to grading, and evaluating. What you would do for one, you must do for all. Sometimes this helps to remember when you think you want to reward one student but not another. Remember all students talk with each other. Be careful, they are not your friends.

Good luck