Student Nurse needs advice on dealing with family and school

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Specializes in Developmental and Peds with disabilities.

Hello! I am a first year Nursing Student at midlands tech in SC. I am in my first clinical semester and have been in college for a little over 2 years. I am going 3/4 time and taking 3 classes. I am married and have a 2 1/2 year old daughter and work about 8-12 hours a week. I am seeking advice on how to deal with my relationship with my spouse, spending time with my family, and still getting in the necessary time to deal with school. My husband has always been very supportive of me going to school, but ever since I started clinicals it seems to have put a big strain on our relationship. He seems to think I am some kind of genius that does not need to study several hours a day to stay on target. While I appreciate his confidence in me, it is simply not realistic. He does a lot of work that he does not have to leave the house except to make emergency calls, but since he stays home with the baby while I am at work and vice versa, he feels he does not get enough time to himself. While I definitely feel the same way, I don't have a choice. My time to myself is spent studying and running errands. He gets frustrated and we usually end up arguing. He says I don't spend enough time with the family and that I take advantage of the fact that he does a lot of work from home, I say he doesn't do enough to help by watching our daughter when I am studying and helping to keep up the house. I am really at my wits end and don't know what to do. If I approach him, he gets upset and defensive. I try to talk calmly, and he thinks I just worry too much and need to relax, so in other words he doesn't take me seriously. It's like I can't win! Has anyone here ever had this problem, and if so, how did you come up with a solution? Please help, I don't know what to do!

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Specializes in ICU.

You are in the same boat as me (except I have 3 children aged 8, 6 and 3 - my 3 year old has a CHD).

My husband has been awesome and is home with the kids when I have class. I know it is taking a toll on him though as he is here ALL the time. So I try to make sure he gets out for a break when I am home - I usually have to kick him out so he doesn't go nuts.

Housework has got to take a back seat. If you have free time, spend it with your daughter. Set aside a couple of hours for family fun, and make sure you have date night every so often.

Bringing a 6 pack of beer in when I get home works wonders for my husband. Theres probably nothing the man wouldn't do for a cold one!

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Specializes in Developmental and Peds with disabilities.

Thanks, baby. I think one of the hardest things for me is ignoring housework. We have a small house as it is and while its never spotless, it's usually decent. my husband usually has to have a lot of people over to meet and discuss business and go over blueprint layouts and pricing (why he can't do this at the shop is beyond me, but he blames it on the fact that everything is on our computer. My bringing up the fact that the computer is not bolted to the desk means nothing lol) and I get embarrased when he brings over a customer (usually without calling) and here I am with my hair in one giant rats nest wearing my pink robe, a half naked baby running after a dog with a chewed up dora doll in its mouth, syrup spilt on the table, dirty dishes piled in the sink, an overflowing garbage can, skittles and gummy chews hidden in the couch cushions...need I go on? I have scolded him time and time again, but he reassures me that he always informs people he brings over to "excuse the mess" (and for some reason this isn't very reassuring). Its still not easy, even if I do let the house turn into the proverbial 'tornado ran through here' state. Mainly its about balancing our time. Is it selfish to think I deserve more hours in a day than he does due to my hectic and school oriented schedule? let me know what you think!

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Specializes in Endoscopy.

I too am experiencing a hubbie that thinks his support of my schooling is sufficient, but it really isn't. Yep, thinks I am a genius, and an hour or so should suffice to study. :confused: My kids are 12 and 14 - different type of needs, they want to go the mall, teach them how to cook something, need help on this science homework the teacher didn't explain well (which means I have to read, learn and teach it), can you run me over to BFF's house, can BFF come over here... The house? Shambles most of the time. One way to sneak in study time: I VOLUNTEER to take the kids to each of their sports' practices during the week, and study in peace in the bleachers, instead of staying home and doing laundry and dishes anyway. Kids want to go to a movie? Let them grab a friend, and I get 2 hours of uninterrupted studying in the lobby or in the car, and save money I would have spent on a teen movie I really didn't want to watch anyway. Halfway through school I figured this out. One year to go!!! I didn't fix the problem, because I really can't change my husband's (mis)understanding of my needs, but I am trying to work around him. You'll get through it, just don't let it build up into resentment and hurt your relationship. Get creative - maybe you need to stay 1/2 hour later at school (not enough to be a big distraction) in order to accumulate 2 hours' extra reading over the week. Going to the grocery store (alone)? Take 20 minutes extra and read in the car before you get out. It's bits and pieces, but it adds up. Blessings to you! :hug:

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This happened in our house over the Christmas season. I work at a retail store, and was working 30+ hours a week instead of my usual 20. I am home with my younger children during the day (we homeschool) so all my shifts are evening/weekends. There were times when dh and I went 3 days without seeing each other because he would be gone by 7:30 a.m. and I would still be sleeping, and I would get home past 1 a.m. when he was sleeping. Not seeing me or spending time with me really took its toll on him. So we had a month where he was pretty cranky and resentful most of the time. :uhoh3:

My hours are back to normal now, but my prereqs have started so I have studying to do on the nights that I am not working. Thankfully I am only taking two classes at a time. We did have a little chat the other night about us being a TEAM. I didn't feel like we were one. He seemed to understand where I was coming from. I am looking to our future-we are in our 40's with hardly any retirement and a large mortgage. Becoming a nurse will be a 4 year process, so now is the time to begin. He is thinking more of "now", and does not look ahead like I do. College and nursing school will only be for a season. If nursing school is too big of a time monster for me, I will probably have to quit my job. If his work truck was paid for, we would be okay with me not working. Is letting your part-time job go a possibility? Working 8-10 hours a week doesn't sound like much, but when you think it would be 8-10 hours you could be spending with your family, it sounds like more time. Especially if it would take some stress off your marriage. My hubby was only cranky for a month...I don't think either one of us could handle him being that unhappy for the duration of nursing school.

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I don't know if this will help or not but...I tape lectures on a mp3 player and listen to them while I clean, shop or do other chores around the house. (when my hubby isn't around to do it). It doesnt replace all studying, but it helps to relisten to lectures.

My husband is my rock and a tremendous supporter. He works full time, most of it from home, and does all the shuttling of the kids when he is around (I have 2 that still live at home, 16 and 18) and the 18yr old drives so she helps too. My hubby does all the house/yard work, and food shopping, while I do cooking and laundry. The kids help with cleaning. I have all this help and I still feel horrible. I feel like I take advantage of him.

Moral of the story....even when I have all this help, I still find something to fret over. ugh!

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Specializes in Developmental and Peds with disabilities.

wow, that is great advice! thanks robin!

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Specializes in ED/TELE.

I have a similar situation as well, but sometimes I feel like a bit more falls on me than my husband b/c he travels quite a bit for work, and so there are several evenings when I'm feeding and tucking in my 3 and 6 year olds on my own. However, he's the primary bread winner in the family (I only work 12 hours a week), and I truly appreciate how hard he works so that I don't have to work full time and can concentrate on school. It's a fine balance because my husband and I easily could feel resentment toward one another for one thing or another. I've made it very clear what his responsibilities are as far as taking care of the children. At the start of the semester I print a calendar for him, so he knows well in advance when he's responsible for the kids. I go to class early and stay on campus late to get in extra study time. I've also surrendered to the fact that I can't get any studying done when I'm with my family. I started a strict 7:30 pm bedtime for my kids and I do my studying after they are asleep. I also make time for myself to go out at least once a month with my girlfriends and I try not to get bent out of shape when my husband does the same with his friends. My house is a disaster area and I've quit trying to fight it. I used to feel so much anxiety over the condition of my house, but I've learned to let it go. This is my last semester and I think as a graduation gift to myself, I will hire someone to come in and clean it from top to bottom so I can get a fresh start once I'm done with school. To the OP, it sounds like your husband is okay with the condition of your home, so you should quit burdening yourself with that extra stress.

My husband and I have a deep respect for the sacrifices that each of us has to make while I'm in school, and we keep reminding ourselves that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

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Hang in there - you'll make it!!:)

My situation was sort of similar - except that I entered a practical nursing program at the age of 47 and had four young teens at home. It can be extremely tiring and very frustrating trying to split your time between classrooom, clinicals and the prep time that goes along with them and the studying.

My first focus was my own school work. I had been a stay at home mom for a lot of years and moms, as you know, are used to putting their family's needs FIRST. I explained to the children that my schooling would not last forever ( at times I wondered if it really would ever end!) and that by my going to college that once I was finished and started to work that it was going to financially help the family's future - college for the four of them (four children born in five years), perhaps a vacation, etc. Those couple of years were the most stressful years ( the class started with 32 and graduated 21) but also two of the most satisfying.

All I can say is go for it. Study every chance you get - waiting in the car, appointments, etc; dust off the slow cooker! Your children will be looking at you in a whole different way.

Best of Luck

:yeah:

No Regrets!

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Specializes in Operating Room, Long Term Care.

I'm married with two children. It is hard to balance school, work and family life. My husband doesn't understand why I have to study for hours either. He recently lost his job due to a company bankruptcy. I work every weekend, go to school full-time, cook, clean and pay bills. I need to graduate in May so we can afford our bills and he still doesn't get it. I just think others who are not in nursing school or have been in the past have no idea. Hang on it's almost over.

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Specializes in Developmental and Peds with disabilities.

Thanks so much for all of your advice, guys! I really appreciate it. Would you believe that after sitting down and talking with my husband in a very calm manner ( I refused to let it turn into an argument) that he actually agreed that my school was important and while he may not like it, he's got to deal with the fact that for the next year school has to come first. He actually hired someone to help clean the house once a week!! I was so surprised, he finally seems to understand somewhat (of course it took almost a mental breakdown on my part, but I think we've all experienced that at one point lol). Hopefully it will last. i've been in school two years, got my pre-nursing certificate, just started my clinicals, and I have a little over a year left to go. Man I cannot wait!!! Thanks soooo much guys. You know I don't think I've seen so much support than the support Nursing students (both current and previous) seem to give each other.

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