Scholarship essay for nursing--Critique, please?

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Hi, how are you? I need some assistance with my personal statement for a scholarship--by which I mean, I need someone to read it and point out any flaws or anything I need to work on. It would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

The prompt: Type a one or two page personal statement explaining your career goals, why you wish to attend the colleges you have chosen, why you wish to receive this scholarship, your financial support and need, any unusual circumstances and any other information relevant to this application.

My response:

Helloooo, Nurse!--A Personal Statement

Throughout my life, I have been subject to animosity and scorn which has given me several obstacles to overcome. I felt incredibly rejected as well as well as ridiculed due to the fact that my biological mother has abandoned me to live with my psychologically abusive father. I was looked down upon and trodden underfoot by individuals that thought I was someone of no value--most people assumed that because of my familial status, I was bound to be a failure, fated to embody the definition of a "hopeless case" and eventually end up into someone who resembles a parasite--someone who leeches off of those around them and have no sense of morals. I was kicked while I was down, pulled up forcibly when I was distressed from whatever circumstances arose. Rarely did anybody have a kind word to say to me--while it was certainly constructive towards my current ethics and morals, it had formed a titanium shell around me, impenetrable to anyone who attempts to berate my character. Because of this however, I have reaped one benefit. I became interested in becoming someone who can give back to the world instead of taking from it, helping humanity little by little. That way, I can prevent anybody from becoming hurt like I was--rather, I had the ability to heal and alleviate any pains, be it physical or mentally. The profession of nurse confronts a patient's problems directly and has a straight-forward goal--which is to get the patient to the very peak of health as soon as possible, while giving them the comfort of a secondary mother. I wish to become a nurse who can relieve patients wholeheartedly with thoughts of compassion and care. I had always wanted to give other people the feeling of security and comfort precisely because I was never given the chance to experience it for myself. I believe that if I were to give what an average human being needs daily, I will be able to feel appreciated every day of the week as well as feel welcome whenever I come in for work. Accompanying the sense of fulfillment however, comes the educational benefits as well. I have always been interested in the medical field as it integrates both the sciences as well as mathematics--two subjects I have a very high confidence in. The feeling of achievement from making one person's life a little better as well as constant practice of my favorite subjects have singled nursing out as a major I would excel in. After carrying out several years of direct nursing in the ICU section of the hospital, I will be pursuing a higher specialized degree. I possess an aspiration to obtain at least a Master's degree so that I will be able to specialize as a nurse anesthetist and attend a graduate school that has a CRNA program. While it will definitely be difficult and challenging, I believe that I have a stoic and strong desire for success that will guide me into being fruitful with my endeavors. I have chosen to attend The University of Texas at Arlington because they have grown into one of the best nursing schools nation-wide. Recent graduates of the nursing school had a success rate of 94% of passing the NCLEX exam--an assessment crucial into starting the journey of the demanding field called nursing. I believe that this program will provide me with daily motivation and the ambition to keep with my studies so that I can achieve the dream I have always envisioned. However, in order to attend college, one must have financial support throughout so that one may focus on studies entirely instead of worrying about how to make enough money to cover the cost of higher education. My stepmother works as a saleswoman that barely makes $15,000 a year--we are struggling to pay the monthly bills; we can hardly afford that, much less support me through college. She has no choice but for me to rely on other sources of financial aid because after I leave for college, she has to provide for my younger sibling as well. While it was enough to live on, my stepmother cannot manage to supplement my education while raising another child by herself. She believes that college is a luxury that we cannot afford--however, I hope to prove her wrong by going to college with financial support and growing into someone she can be proud of. By doing so, I will become an important role model in my brother's life which is a tremendous reward in itself.

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Specializes in Neuroscience.

I didn't read it all. Break it up into paragraphs, it's incredibly hard to read right now.

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Specializes in Psychiatry, Mental Health.

Yes, by all means, use paragraphs. The essay is representing you; it needs to be the best you can make it. You wouldn't go to an interview with your hair uncombed, right? Also, appropriate amounts of white space frame your words, emphasize them, and make them easier to read.

I did read a few sentences. The first few sentences come off as a poor-me bid for sympathy. I'm sure that is not what you intended.

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I'm not trying to sound rude but wanted to be honest! I stopped reading after the first few sentences, the whole sob story pity me lost my attention.

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I'm not sure what the essay topic is but you do NOT wanna get that personal. You should talk about your achievements and things that are on your resume and goals.... anything relating to nursing. I don't know how long it has to be but you wanna be straight forward with paragraphs and topic sentences things like that. good luck

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I too had a hard time reading this, so these comments are only random samples.

"Hellooo, Nurse!" Really? If this is going to be on an application, let's make it a little less jarring. "Personal statement in support of Mary Smith Nursing Scholarship application, March 25, 2014, Jane Doe."

Very repetitive. Too much of what we call "thesaurus writing," using increasingly flowery and hyperexcited language to drive home the point that ought to have been made in one sentence and then left. You could cut this whole essay down by at least a third, maybe a half, without losing content. Have mercy on your readers!

Waaaaayyy too many big words. Believe it or not, this does not make you sound smarter or better-educated. For example, "I possess the aspiration to ..." is nine syllables and can be neatly abbreviated to four with no loss of meaning: "My goal is to ..."

" I have always been interested in the medical field as it integrates both the sciences as well as mathematics—two subjects I have a very high confidence in." Recast that whole thing. Don't end sentences with prepositions like "in" or "of." Something like, "I do well in math and science, so I was interested in nursing" would make your point. The readers know that math and science are essential in nursing. You don't have to beat them over the head with it, and they will appreciate it that you understand how important they are without going on about it.

"While it will definitely be difficult and challenging, I believe that I have a stoic and strong desire for success that will guide me into being fruitful with my endeavors. " There is no such thing as a stoic desire. People are stoic; and "stoic" doesn't mean what you think it does, either. You don't have to say "difficult AND challenging," especially if you think you're trying to convince them that you can rise to the challenge successfully.

This whole "being fruitful with my endeavors" is overwrought, way too-too. An endeavor can be fruitful, but you can't be fruitful with something.

And you know what? Everybody wants to be a CRNA after a few years in critical care now. This will not make you stand out at all, and is probably not even realistic. I mean, who's taking care of all the other patients if all the new grads are in ICU and going to CRNA school? Your objective now is to get a good nursing education, and the future will take care of itself.

"Recent graduates of the nursing school had a success rate of 94% of passing the NCLEX exam—an assessment crucial into starting the journey of the demanding field called nursing." I think what you meant to say was something like, "UTA nursing graduates have a 94% NCLEX pass rate, and I want to be in a demanding program." NCLEX is not an assessment, really, it's a licensure exam, and it is definitely not the start of the journey into the profession. Lose that whole thing. Deep breath here, slow down!!

Spelling, usage, and punctuation need work. "Straightforward" and "nationwide" are not hyphenated words. Dashes are inappropriate in the middle of sentences unless the writing is very informal.

Lose the "of .." phrases, make the whole thing cleaner and simpler. Believe me, your readers will appreciate it. Writing isn't as easy as just putting one's fingertips to a keyboard. This draft has potential and needs some serious rewriting for clarity and brevity.

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Thank you all for the critique! I needed it a lot. I'll get to work on my final draft, using less fluffy language haha

I suppose I was a little too excited for the essay. Thanks again!

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While the other replies were helpful, this helped me out the most. You were right on point with my thesaurus writing--I guess I was just trying to impress the judges of high school scholarship. Thank you again! :)

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I too had a hard time reading this, so these comments are only random samples.

"Hellooo, Nurse!" Really? If this is going to be on an application, let's make it a little less jarring. "Personal statement in support of Mary Smith Nursing Scholarship application, March 25, 2014, Jane Doe."

Very repetitive. Too much of what we call "thesaurus writing," using increasingly flowery and hyperexcited language to drive home the point that ought to have been made in one sentence and then left. You could cut this whole essay down by at least a third, maybe a half, without losing content. Have mercy on your readers!

Waaaaayyy too many big words. Believe it or not, this does not make you sound smarter or better-educated. For example, "I possess the aspiration to ..." is nine syllables and can be neatly abbreviated to four with no loss of meaning: "My goal is to ..."

" I have always been interested in the medical field as it integrates both the sciences as well as mathematics—two subjects I have a very high confidence in." Recast that whole thing. Don't end sentences with prepositions like "in" or "of." Something like, "I do well in math and science, so I was interested in nursing" would make your point. The readers know that math and science are essential in nursing. You don't have to beat them over the head with it, and they will appreciate it that you understand how important they are without going on about it.

"While it will definitely be difficult and challenging, I believe that I have a stoic and strong desire for success that will guide me into being fruitful with my endeavors. " There is no such thing as a stoic desire. People are stoic; and "stoic" doesn't mean what you think it does, either. You don't have to say "difficult AND challenging," especially if you think you're trying to convince them that you can rise to the challenge successfully.

This whole "being fruitful with my endeavors" is overwrought, way too-too. An endeavor can be fruitful, but you can't be fruitful with something.

And you know what? Everybody wants to be a CRNA after a few years in critical care now. This will not make you stand out at all, and is probably not even realistic. I mean, who's taking care of all the other patients if all the new grads are in ICU and going to CRNA school? Your objective now is to get a good nursing education, and the future will take care of itself.

"Recent graduates of the nursing school had a success rate of 94% of passing the NCLEX exam—an assessment crucial into starting the journey of the demanding field called nursing." I think what you meant to say was something like, "UTA nursing graduates have a 94% NCLEX pass rate, and I want to be in a demanding program." NCLEX is not an assessment, really, it's a licensure exam, and it is definitely not the start of the journey into the profession. Lose that whole thing. Deep breath here, slow down!!

Spelling, usage, and punctuation need work. "Straightforward" and "nationwide" are not hyphenated words. Dashes are inappropriate in the middle of sentences unless the writing is very informal.

Lose the "of .." phrases, make the whole thing cleaner and simpler. Believe me, your readers will appreciate it. Writing isn't as easy as just putting one's fingertips to a keyboard. This draft has potential and needs some serious rewriting for clarity and brevity.

I totally agree with this entire critique. :) Good luck!

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