Resenting the very thing that helps

Hoping someone will understand this post...I have struggled with anxiety since I was 7, depression reared it's head in my early 20's. Life changes over the years (deaths, divorce, relocation because of those things and life trials in general) only exacerbated both. Tried medication/therapy on and off over the years..this year reached the point that no amount of therapy/herbs/exercise/thinking positive, etc. was going to work - medication was the answer for me. Started on an SNRI. Helped a lot with the depression, some w/the anxiety but allowed me to begin to function again after literally months of being shut down physically, emotionally and mentally except for anger that bordered on rage at times and irritability and crying jags. Side effects are constipation, loss of libido, some breaking out and fatigue. But depression and anxiety have side effects too.. I took a job out of desperation at a home health company that is well known and deserves the lousy reputation it has - but I need a pay check and am behind on some bills though catching up so for now, I have no choice unless I want to lose everything but hating the job doesn't help matters though I remind myself many, many times a day to be grateful for this job. Plus, my periods of unemployment and job hopping don't help my cause to find another position at this point.

What I'm dealing with though, is a lot of resentment over needing to take medication. I resent the side effects, my inability to "just handle" life, the cost ($45/month after insurance) and knowing this illness - depression/anxiety, that has been with me since age 7 (now 46) means it's life long and w/all the changes that have happened over the years making the condition worse, medication will most likely be long term, if not for life. Logically I know the medication makes things easier, that as much as I wish I was like "other people" I'm not, am never going to be and frankly can't be. I work, I work hard and am not stupid or lazy. Exercise, eating right and all that goes along with it helps too but an over the counter herb or yoga can't cut through the grip this illness has. So, knowing, without question, the medication makes life easier, and if I were offering advice to someone like me I would strongly encourage them to remain on it, yet here I am resenting taking this pill once a day. It's like either way I go I somehow want to punish myself - repeatedly - for past mistakes/failures and that being stable/happy even - is uncomfortable. Make sense?