reaching out for encouragement

[renne]

I am in the early stages of recovery. I started monitoring program the end of feb. I was diverting pills from work...i actually said it. That has been so hard for me to admit i did that. I am such a compassionate and caring person and i cant believe i did that. But i am picking up my pieces, making my life right again. I also was buying hydrocodone online...so i took short term loans out to pay. All i cared about was being "happy" and i thought that was what these horrible pills did for me. Now...i lost my job and dont have an income and i am in a panic every day because the loan people are calling every day and i have no way of paying them back and i am scared to death i will go to jail..my mind goes in worse case senerios and then i find myself paralyzed with fear. I am putting out my resumes and have had one job interview which i was upfrnt and said i was in a monitoring program..have not heard back yet. I really need encouragement from everyone who has been through the havoc of life after addiction and what you did to come out the other side in one piece? I am really scared. Thank you for listening.

[Big Blondie, ASN, BSN, MSN, APRN]

Take a deep breath...you are on the right path. I also did many things I hate to admit, but working through the steps have eased a lot of the stress. Go to meetings, listen, look for similarities and talk about it! The bill collectors cant physically harm you. You have health problems and arent working. You will be able to clean all of this up. One minute at a time! I have faith in you!

[Twoyearnurse]

The first few months feel really hectic, it eases up a bit after that. The previous poster has it right, go to the meetings. At first (for me anyways) the meetings would make me feel ccalm as brave for that hour, and then that calm starte spreading throughout the rest of my life. You are going through a grieving process right now and anger, denial, and bargaining are all part of it. I went through plenty of crazy imaginings about seeking the places in my history where I could have quit before getting caught, pleading with God to let me to back in time and change it. The truth (and it used to feel like an ugly truth but not anymore) is that I would have kept going until it killed me. No amount of self will would have saved me. I've been out of nursing for six months, i know that sounds terrible to you. You're probably thinking "six months?! I can't do that!", you can. We addicts/alcoholics are future thinkers trying to control everything before it happens, one day at a time used to make me angry and frustrated. Now there is no measure of time I am more grateful for. It allows me to stop when I am upset and say "where am I today, what can I do to make today great". My life is amazing today, sometimes scary and overwhelming, but it isn't anything I can't handle. Call the people you owe money to, tell them what you can afford to pay. I did this and with one person I pay $10 a month, they worked with me. Nothing is as terrifying as it is provided it remains in the confines of our own minds.

[Twoyearnurse]

And you are still a caring and compassionate person. This doesn't make you a bad person, this makes you a sick person. Remember your blessings. Sometimes it's easy to get caught up in feeling "different" from other addicts because we are nurses. We are different. Any other human being who would have diverted (stolen) the hundreds to thousands of dollars worth of medications would see themselves in federal prison. This is a huge blessing. The programs we work for the board are rigorous, but we get to work them because someone somewhere decided that though we be addicts, we are educated and valuable.

[Twoyearnurse]

How are you doing renne?