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Discussion

Racial Issues

OK, so I'm pretty new here and I certainly don't want to ruffle any feathers but I would appreciate it if I could get some honest and candid answers/comments from you guys. And I'm sorry in advance if parts of this post and some of the terminology are not PC.

First, let me preface my story by saying that I don't consider myself to be racist and actually last year I filed a written complaint to the powers that be in my hospice regarding the way that some of our black patients who live in "bad" areas are treated. For example, a patient we had who was with us for 3 or so weeks was never visited by a case manager, never visited by social work; the only visits she got were from PRN nurses or on call nurses (me). She lived in a bad area. This happens over and over and over. Anyway...

Last Thursday during my on call shift I went to the death of a black man. I had taken on-call phone calls from the daughter a few times over the previous week so I was familiar with her. I went to the house when I got the call that he'd died and it was around midnight. There were 40-50 people there, inside and outside the house. I'm not bothered by crowds and I'm used to being the only white person around. It's just part of the job. No family has ever made a big deal about it either; mostly people are just greatful that you're there. Things were going fine until a very obviously inebriated family member, one of the sons of the patient, walked into the kitchen where I was sitting and said, "Look at you, sitting there with all these black folks around you." Everyone (more than 20 people in the room, I counted) stopped talking and looked at me. I smiled and tried to brush it off. He walked towards me and told me he was trying to relax me and got really close and I forgot what all he said after that. His brother finally stepped in and distracted him.

Later, as the funeral home was putting the body on the stretcher, another woman commented to me (as the rest of the family started singing and wailing) "we don't do like white folks do." Then as the body left the home, the family began screaming, hollering out. People were falling over. After the body was gone, the daughter who I'd spoken to quite a bit was being escorted back into the home. I touched her on the arm and told her I was sorry for her loss, to take care, and to let us know if the family needed anything. She nodded and walked in the house.

So today I got a page from my manager saying she needed to meet with me in person about this death visit. She said the family had complained about me. I talked to their social worker and she said the family had said that I was not as compassionate as the other hospice staff that had been out there, and that they didn't know that I'd left.

Sorry if this has been talked about before but are any of you ever made painfully aware of your race when you do your job? What are some things you do to bridge the gap when the cultural and behavioral differences between you and your families are so great? The social worker suggested that maybe I could have had the family gather around in a circle and had them sing and stuff. My instincts were telling me that they wanted to do what they wanted to do, and I was an intruder. I just don't feel like I can add anything or be of any benefit in those situations. Do any of you feel that way? Am I way off? Have any of you ever experienced anything like this?

Featured Replies

I have never been in that situation.

You just do your job and you excused yourself by extending condolences to the daughter.

What else were you supposed to do? Your manager can second guess you, but you did your job.

You followed your instincts and you did your job.

You can't please everyone. I had a family visitor call my manager and request a "different nurse" because I was perceived as "too loud". Well, most of my patients are 80+ years old and don't hear well. If i am giving instructions to a room of 10 people, I am going to speak loud enough so ALL can hear.... I think it's more important that I know how to care for a patient.....

Don't sweat it--you weren't off at all---the problem was the family and you can't do anything to change it. Don't beat yourself up--you can't please everyone.

linda

as soon as the woman stated, "we don't do like white folks do", i would have asked her to expound on this, since we nurses need to familiarize and embrace all cultures.

and when the son stated he was trying to relax you, you don't remember what he was saying to you?

granted, i know he was drunk and likely intrusive, but did it have anything to do with how they handle the death of a loved one?

bottom line: if there is something i need to learn, i invite feedback.

more important, if i felt my safety was endangered, i would leave w/o apology.

working in inpt, i am the one who usually asks the family member/friend to leave.

and i work with a very culturally diverse population, so yes, race is sometimes brought up.

if no one is drunk/high, i usually ignore it, if it doesn't get out of hand.

if there is something helpful that the family member can offer, i elicit input.

but whenever i'm feeling 'bullied', regardless of race, i get help (or in your case, i would leave).

i hope things work out for you.

leslie

  • Author
as soon as the woman stated, "we don't do like white folks do", i would have asked her to expound on this, since we nurses need to familiarize and embrace all cultures.

I agree, and that's exactly what the social worker said also (about asking her to elaborate). She did try to expound a bit but it was right when the body was passing by us, so there wasn't really an opportunity to really get in to it.

and when the son stated he was trying to relax you, you don't remember what he was saying to you?

granted, i know he was drunk and likely intrusive, but did it have anything to do with how they handle the death of a loved one?

No, it wasn't about that. He started talking about how they were all family there and then went on about how many brothers and sisters there were and who was the baby and all that. The whole time he was talking, I was thinking about what he'd said before and wondering what he meant by it, so I didn't really fully process the rest of it.

I definitely would do things differently if I had it to do over. And the social worker gave me some helpful tips for next time. I will learn from this and try to be more sensitive to how I am perceived, and I will take every opportunity to observe and learn about the ways of other cultures and families, and not be afraid to ask questions. I just thought that if I remained neutral, calm and quiet, (and myself), that it would get me by. That I would just sort of blend with whatever situation I happened to be in. I guess it doesn't work that way and you have to be more proactive. Perception is reality, and if the family perceives that I am not compassionate, then that is their reality and I need to change something. I did feel "bullied," but never unsafe.

First let me say that I am black (upon other races, but noticiably black, depending on the time of year), also I'm not a hospice nurse.

To, Anabel, personally from what you stated I think you did your job, the way it should have been done.

as soon as the woman stated, "we don't do like white folks do", i would have asked her to expound on this, since we nurses need to familiarize and embrace all cultures.

leslie

And although I don't know what was meant by the family member that made that comment, I personally wouldn't respond in the above way. At least not how it is put in the quote, b/c there just seems to been a hint of sarcasm there mixed in with a bit of confrontation (at least that is how I would take it), and while I am usually the first one to call someone on what they say, I don't think that one's family members passing is the most opportune or caring time.

Just my 2 cents.;)

First let me say that I am black (upon other races, but noticiably black, depending on the time of year), also I'm not a hospice nurse.

To, Anabel, personally from what you stated I think you did your job, the way it should have been done.

And although I don't know what was meant by the family member that made that comment, I personally wouldn't respond in the above way. At least not how it is put in the quote, b/c there just seems to been a hint of sarcasm there mixed in with a bit of confrontation (at least that is how I would take it), and while I am usually the first one to call someone one what they say, I don't think that one's family members passing is the most opportune or caring time.

Just my 2 cents.;)

i appreciate your input.

if she was being confrontational/sarcastic, then yes, it's best to ignore it.

i hate being around drinking people.

makes it rough for rational conversation.

leslie

  • Experts

I was in a similar situation while in the military. We were doing funeral detail and went to a very out of the way church in a rural area for the services of a former soldier. The entire congregation was black and the funeral detail was about half white, and half black. The preacher started making inflammatory remarks during the funeral and we were getting adrenaline pumped up and looking toward the door. However, we managed to maintain our "dignified" expressions and made it through the services, but once our duties at the gravesite were completed, we were outta there.

I see absolutely nothing wrong with how you acted. You did the best you could under the circumstances. Often grieving people are more sensitive than normal and will express dissatisfactions that are probably more veiled screens for the emotional pain they are feeling. I wouldn't let it bother me so much.

I have been in similar situations at a death call and usually when I feel the tension building I ask everyone to pray and we hold hands in a circle and do so. I usually lead unless there is a Reverand present and give ask them to lead us in prayer. This usually will diffuse any anxiety and quiet anger. We live in the south and I am from the mid west and sometimes have had difficulty with the prejudice we still find in the south but I usually do not have problems and rely on prayer and God. One time I did have a problem with a white southern lady because of my weight, can you imagine? She even talked to the Social Worker the next day about my wieght, but my Social Worker set her straight. So you see, there are all kinds of prejudices and not everyone will love you along the way. I have been a Hospice nurse for 8 years this year and would not do anything else unless the good Lord tells me. Shake it off nad continue to do the best you can, we all love you.

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