SUMMARY SO YOU CAN SKIP THE READING: Severe, recent Chantix side effects have made me lose my ability to be happy and motivated. I'm irrationally fearful all the time. I'm just ranting, I don't need support. Hopefully this post encourages someone to take a different path. (OR DON'T EVER START SMOKING!)
I have zero time to be posting on here with the volume of schoolwork I have to do, but I'm going for it anyhow. Talking about my recent experience counts as self-care time, I think.
In the last 3 months, I have quit smoking on Chantix. Hooray! Right? Ehhh...
I've recently been dealing with the dark, bad side effects it can sometimes have: anxiety, random terror, panic, vomiting, chills, unable to sleep, not being hungry, not eating. - In a way, I want to blame this on being creeped out on orientation day. They totally hit us hard with failure rates, reasons to be kicked out, and the whole reality-check run down. What's so frustrating is that I expected this on orientation day. --AND, I was doing mostly well (mentally) on Chantix before that day (though my husband disagrees).
The day after orientation, I had a full blown panic attack. My thinking was completely irrational.
Something is wrong with my brain, now. It's not the stress of nursing school in itself. I'm going through some sort of chemical crisis. Sometimes, it feels like a horror movie. I become totally out of control and... hunted, I guess. It's like dark force takes over and fears I've never thought much about become true somehow. My doc pulled me off Chantix immediately.
Currently waiting for lab results for my serotonin (& a few other happy chemical) levels. Dr. suspects some interference due to the Chantix. .
Nursing school is its own ball of trauma, but coupled with losing my mind? Ouch. It just feels so raw. I was so proud of my hard work, and now I feel ashamed. It feels terrible to have been so well adjusted & prepared for nursing school, and then nosedive into this mental/emotional-chemical crisis.
I've got no one to blame but myself. I get that. I knew the risks of smoking & of Chantix. Maybe some of this is nicotine withdrawal, not Chantix (stopped 3 weeks ago, smoking 4 weeks ago). However, I really have no desire to smoke. The smell is disgusting to me now.
I just want to be myself again: not this fearful, moody, crazy person. I miss myself, and & I'm humiliated (even though only my doctor and husband know - I crazy people give off vibes. They just DO).
Not sure what replies I'm looking for here, if any. Just sharing my experience these first few weeks. Maybe my main idea here is... don't smoke, and if you do, stop smoking on your own LONG before you enter a rigorous nursing program. It was humiliating to call my doctor and tell him I was "terrified and desperately need help IMMEDIATELY."
I would imagine many people lose their minds a few times in their life. This experience has been jarring. There are very few things more terrifying to me than losing trust in myself.
I just want to feel normal again.
Regardless, I'm going to get through this. If I'm a robot on anxiety meds for awhile; fine.
But I might need counseling. I just don't have the ****amn time! I'm scared this might like forever. Ugh.
Thanks for reading! I'm just bitting my nails and hoping that my brain will chemically rebalance itself.