Today is just like any other ordinary day of my life. The alarm clock didn't have to bother screaming loudly as I've been awake way before it was supposed to do its job. Despite the cozy warmth of the blanket and an enticing bed weather, I have to get up. It took a couple of minutes before the urge to finally get up came. However, in between that time of waking up and getting out of bed, the machine in my head has started its day. A myriad of thoughts has started flashing, like a dam-release. No holding back.
Bills. Career. Relationship. Long-term plans. Each has their own chunk of space in my head. Screaming, yearning for answers. Churning out questions. Knocking the wits out of me. And just like how life's supposed to be lived, I try to find solutions. It all happened in a matter of minutes, but it made me feel drowned in the thoughts. We can never always find all the right game plan for all our issues in an instant, or can we? There will always be some bits and pieces that will need sorting. The cool December breeze was all it took to nudge me from the limbo. "You still have a shift to do", I told myself.
After a quick shower and a few minutes of prep, I found myself walking towards the hospital. A Monday surely is a guarantee of a busy day, and I've found myself sensitized to such. In my head, I was thinking that this is a good thing. Or at least that's what I was trying to convince myself. At least there's an ongoing solution for the bills. Bills - Check.
The handover was given quickly, albeit a bit crappy. I found myself again, tapping my shoulders, saying to myself "To make you focus on something else". Thankfully, the shift was quite uneventful. The things that were left for me and my co-nurses to do kept us occupied, but not too much for the shift to be unsafe. As the shift was coming to its end, the head nurse came to speak to me about the changes in shift hours and why will be there some revisions in the future. To make it short, they would have to cut the hours of some due to staffing-related issues. I have been contemplating about leaving the unit as I've perceived before that this will be happening in the future. Career - pending.
On my way home, I checked my mobile and read the almost-template message of my girlfriend from halfway across the globe. It has been like that for quite some time. Add to that the idea that she doesn't want to move over where I am, and I won't be able to move to her place due to difference in plans. It felt like a deadlock. Relationship - pending.
With the advent of change in hours and a relationship-difference, the steering wheel for my life has been on a confused state. Should I get registered there? When should I start? When do I file my resignation? Will I be able to support myself if I transfer to somewhere else? Long-term goals - pending.
As I arrived at home, with clothes changed and shower done, I sat over the balcony with a cup of warm tea in my hand. It came to me how utterly amazing the healthcare workers are. That despite all the issues and inner battles that we have within ourselves, it has always been like an automatic response to show a kind and caring demeanor in our workplace. It was only during that time I remembered how thankful the patient was for being cleaned after her bowel movement.
The smile from the eyes of a long-term patient when I congratulated him for his discharge tomorrow morning after a 2-month stay due to an eventful procedure, just in time before Christmas. The appreciation of a porter who needed someone to keep the unit doors open as he pushed a hospital bed out of the unit. These things, in all their varying degrees of relevance to nursing, has amazingly kept me occupied from whatever I needs sorting in my own life. And ironically, sane. Today's life checklist might not be fully completed, but I can say I've found solace. Tomorrow's another day.