A six year old girl was being admitted to the hospital to have her tonsils removed. The nurse asked if she had ever been a patient before and the little girl boldly replied, "Dont you remember me? I was borned here!" - Ann Baumiller, Canfield, Ohio
A young woman with purple hair styled into a punk-rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, burst into the ER complaining of abdominal pain. The ER attending quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completly disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed with amusement that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Sign at the Nurse's Station
This Job is a Test. It is only a test.
Had this been an actual Job,
You would have received
Raises, Promotions, and
Other signs of appreciation.
A study by the Joint Commission on Accrediatation of Healthcare Organizations (JCAHO) found that almost one-quarter of all unanticipated patient deaths and complications result from a shortage of nurses. The study examined over 1,600 patient deaths and injuries and found that low nursing staff levels were a contributing factor in 24 percent of the cases.
Murphy's Law for Nurses
* You walk out of a patient's room after you've asked them if they need anything; the patient will put the call bell on as you are about three-quarters of the way down the hall.
*The patient farthest away from the nurse's station rings the call bell more often that the patient nearest to the nurses' station.
Caffeine is My Shepherd
Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze.
It maketh me to wake in the lecture hall, It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses. It restoreth my buzz;
It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction,
I will fear no decaf.
For thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me.
Thou preparest a tall latte before me in the presence of fatigue.
Thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over.
Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life:
and i will dwell in the House of Java forever. -Anonymous
A preschooler often overheard her nurse mother's medical conversations with family members. One day her preschool teacher told the mother she could tell Shelly was definitely the daughter of a nurse. Apparently a little boy had been acting out that day and Shelly said to the teacher, "Ryan is agitated, give him some Ativan."
A young mother brought her ten day old baby into the ER. The umbilical cord had fallen off and she was concerned because " there's a hole there now."
The brand new RN doing home care called a physician to report worsening shortness of breath in a patient with end stage COPD. Her sat was 78% and her lips were blue tinged. Still she adamantly refused to go to the ER.
The doctor asked if there were any beers in the fridge. The puzzled new nurse found some but could not understand why. The doctor said, "What are you waiting for? Give her one or two, and then call me back." Magically, after the patient consumed most of one bottle, her rate slowed down and she could concentrate on pursed-lip breathing, which she couldnt do before because anxiety. Her lips pinked and her sat climbed back to her usual 89 percent.
The things they don't teach you in nursing school.
How many nurses does it take to change a lighbulb?
Five. One to change the lightbulb, one to check policy and procedure, one to document, one to maintain quality assurance, and one to represent the Task force on Hospital Lighting.
You know you're a nurse when your twelve year old daughter in the backseat of the car asks, "Mom, what date was I due on?" and then proceeds to figure up on a stray gestational wheel when she was conceived.
Unapproved Acronyms from the Maternity Ward
Vitamin P- Pitocin
NILOTD- Not in labor, out the door.
Murphy's Law for Nurses
*You have been working flat out all day (or night) without even a coffee break, but the moment you sit down, your supervisor walks around the corner and sees you doing nothing.
*You never use foul language except when the charge nurse is standing right behind you.
Hope you enjoy these... I'll send more later on!! Amanda