Hello, I'm new to All Nurses and I've been a nurse for 2 years and 2 months. Based on my title and the short time I've been nursing, you may be wondering "Why do you want to quit? You're just getting started". Well, I'll dive into the why.
My first nursing position was in cardiac progressive care working mostly with VAT patients and post op day 2 and beyond CABG patients. I loved the new things I was seeing and participating in but it very quickly turned sour. First, my patient loads became way too heavy for a new grad nurse. I understand that they probably wanted to load me up at first since I'm new and quiet in order to boost my confidence and get me strong in my nursing skills but it never stopped being heavy/getting heavy. I began to notice that my fellow coworkers had a nice balanced patient team but I ALWAYS, without fail, had 4 of the sickest and meanest patients. I would get cussed out and yelled at nearly every single night. We always had to call security and have a group of people try to calm my patients down. My preceptor noticed that, after nearly a year at this job, my patient load had not changed and it still remained heavy every night I worked. They encouraged me to talk to management and I did, on multiple occasions, with no positive outcome. They always flipped it around as if it were my fault and asked me "Well, what can you do to make your job easier here?" I didn't understand how any of what was happening was my fault but that's when the self-blaming started. I began to think that maybe that was what nursing was supposed to be like and that all I was destined to encounter in my profession for the next 40+ years was being yelled at, cussed out and never treated like part of the team. I quit this job after 1 year and 5 months. I got tired of crying everyday and my family never understood so I felt so incredibly alone. My mental health and confidence was completely shattered by the end.
I'm currently in the cardiac ICU, have been there for 7 months almost, love it some days but mostly wishing I had another position. I'm training for open heart recovery and I do enjoy that part to an extent. The greatest problem I'm facing with this new job is that I'm still carrying anxiety and fear from my old job with me every day that I get ready to work at my current position. I have panic attacks and leave my house as late as possible so I can try to calm down but it rarely ever works. Most nights, I'm so tensed up and on edge that I can't even answer simple questions that I know the answer too.
Am I in the right profession? If so, how can I find the right nursing position that works for me?
I just want to be treated fairly and not like scum by my patients. I've been looking for non-bedside options for awhile now because I'm tired of bedside nursing and not knowing what my patients will be like when I get to work since I've been screwed over so much in my last job.