Please give me your opinion

BabyLady, BSN, RN · Feb 4, 2009

Thank you for replying, yes, I've been clean and sober since January 25th 07. The opiate that I took was for a headache, my cousin gave it to me I didnt think twice I just took it. I was in pain and didn't think about it, untill it showed up on my screen. If I was goin to relapse I would have had a big glass of wine. Anyway, I'm currently working as a psych nurse here in MN. I have my doctors support to keep working and I've already sent all of my information (support letters, doctors notes etc.) to the board. When the monitoring program dropped me I really kicked my program into gear because I guess I realized that this is serious. I usually seem to learn the hard way ...
-having faith

First of all, congrats on your recovery.

As someone who is a nurse, you obviously know that an illegal drug is any drug that is not only against the law, but any prescription drug that isn't written TO you FOR you.

I get chronic migraines, and I have some ultra-heavy duty stuff. However, Tylenol or aspirin is always my FIRST choice when I have a headache...if the pain doesn't go away, then I take something heavier. However, most of the time, the OTC knocks out the headache.

If your headache could not be relieved by an OTC med, and you went to the ER, then you have a right to be properly medicated for pain. Therefore, you would not have had a "failed" drug screen...b/c you would have had medical documentation of why the drug was in your system.

However, it would not explain the non-compliance with the meetings...it's a very, very small thing to ask for, to attend these meetings.

Part of what the meetings teach, is to help change your mindset and way of thinking. For example, your first instinct was not to even attempt to take an OTC for your headache...but to take an opiate. When you said, you "didn't think anything of it"...most of us WOULD think twice about it, should any of us be popped for a random test at work.

These are things that you have to consider, as you continue your journey.

menardspsychnurse · Feb 4, 2009

BabyLady, you are absolutely correct. I made a mistake. I took something for my headache and jepordized my recovery. I was simply saying I think this was the point where I realized that I wasn't working an honest recovery. I was avoiding rules, the recommendations from my care providers as if somehow my addiction would go away.

This is the reason I am grateful for HPSP and the board of nursing because without them I would most likely be using and in a hopeless state of mind. Today I'm in a hopeful state of mind. Just as Jack said, I believe god has a plan for me, so I have faith in him. Only he knows what will happen next week at my board review appointment. I know I need to be willing, honest and openminded..

joaniej231 · Feb 5, 2009

Jack, Thanks for your advice. I've been thinking alot and I know my decision not to reenter nursing is the right one. I did indeed lose my license and attempted once to get reinstated and although I had months of urine tests and documented attendance at NA/AA meetings and ongoing counseling, they rejected me because I had one brief lapse in meeting attendance and not a good enough explanation of the reason for the lapse.

But I think I am going to pursue a career in drug and alcohol counseling. Villanova University has certificate courses that can be completed on a Friday evening and all day Saturday. The position is for a"Certified Allied Addictions Counselor". The reason for this choice is that it does not require a BS which I do not have since I graduated from a 3 year diploma program in 1971, but does require hours of class and an internship.

Any way, I knew when I read about the offerings at Villanova, I immediately knew that this is something I could do. I can also network with others that are pursuing this line of work.

For the first time in months I feel hopeful and that I have found something that I can do and do really well. Eventually, I wouldn't mind working with impaired nurses, since I have been to hell and back and been through it all and can offer alot of insight.

I would appreciate hearing back from you as to what you think about this and if you have any suggestions or comments. Thanks. Peace be with you. Joanne

jackstem · Feb 5, 2009

Joanne,

It sounds like a plan...which is exactly what most of us in life (not just recovering folks) DON'T do. I too am a diploma nurse and a diploma CRNA which is why I was struggling after my last relapse and felonies on my record. No one wants to hire someone in recovery without a criminal record let alone someone with felonies. I understand that which is why I started my own consulting business. It's just getting going, but I know it's going to make it since there are very few folks out there doing what I offer.

Addiction isn't going away anytime soon, so you'll be able to find employment. If you can't, start your own consulting service! If I can do it anybody can! If there are going to be any major changes in the way addiction is treated, WE have to start thinking outside the box and keep going regardless of the obstacles in our path. Believe me, there is no shortage of obstacles! I'm reading a book called "Tribes" (Seth Godin). It's about leadership and how it has changed from the old days to an entirely different paradigm. With the advances in the internet, email, etc. our ability to lead has become so much more "do-able" than ever before. We all like to believe working for someone else is safe and provides security. HAH!!! Not in today's economy. That type of security is gone forever and the people who don't get that are in for some very miserable and insecure times. The lesson's I've learned about myself and society as a result of this disease have been more valuable than anything I could have or would have found in a classroom. It's one of the problems the BSN graduate experiences in their first year of practice. The real world doesn't fit into the neat little package the professors give their students. That's a whole different topic for a different day.

I would say you are on an excellent path. Just don't forget to evaluate things every so often. You're doing good things my firend! Don't look back, and have no regrets about the things that have happened as a result of your disease. As my kids remind me when I become insecure...they like the man their Dad has become and they wouldn't change a thing!

Call or write anytime.

Jack

jackstem · Feb 6, 2009

Joanne,

I just picked up something in one of your posts. You stated:

Sometimes I feel like a coward for not attempting to reenter the profession. Family members are cool but don't understand why I don't go back, they don't get the idea of relapsing. They think I should just buck up and do it.

First, you don't have to prove anything to anyone when it comes to your recovery...not even yourself. No one would think an alcoholic bartender should "buck up and do it". It's no different for an addicted nurse or physician returning to practice where they have to handle their drug of choice.

Second, unless your family members become a recovering addict, they definitely won't "get it". My Dad, brother, and I bowled together for over 30 years. My nephew joined us when he turned 18. I went through rehab the first time about 2 years after he joined us. After relapsing a couple of times over a 5 year ( including loss of license, career, and marriage) he asked me if I ever "thought about using". I told him it doesn't happen often, but yeah, it pops into my head now and then, especially when I hear certain songs, smell certain odors, etc. A particularly intense trigger was using a stall in a public restroom since that's where I would inject most of the time. It took me quite awhile to get over that one! Anyway, he sai: "Jack, I don't get it. You lost your career, your marriage, and almost died. How in the world could you think about using? It doesn't make sense!"

My response? Joe, I'm GLAD you don't get it! The day you get it is the day you're sitting next to me at a meeting!

Next thought. Early in my recovery I wanted EVERYONE to understand what I'd been through. THEY CAN'T! So I stopped trying. What a load off my shoulders! I'm the only person who needs to get it. The people who do understand are here and in those classrooms, church halls, and any other place recovering people gather to share their experience, strength and hope. It's exactly why AA, NA, and other recovering support groups "work when we work it".

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.

Love you kiddo!!! (Everyone of you!)

Jack

joaniej231 · Feb 6, 2009

Jack, I stopped trying to get people to understand a long time ago, starting with my ex husband. He really" didn't get it". He started treating me like I was an invalid and mental defect. But I stopped with the blame game a long time ago. He truly did not understand and it is what drove our marriage into the "rocks". As far as my children are concerned, that has been difficult. It has taken time for them to see that I am much better now,

The good thing is that it is all in the past now, but it took a long time to make things right with them.

I don't feel that I owe anyone an explanation about my drug addiction. It is what it is and the good thing is that actions do speak louder than words and I live by that crede every day of my life, that is not to say I am perfect, God only knows I am not, but I do not use any mood altering substances anymore.

Of course I wish my life had been different, I think about that every day, but the reality is that I cannot change it. I guess I have forgiven myself finally after much self loathing and disgust. And I am pretty fragile still but am on firm footing. I disappointed alot of people who thought I was super woman and super nurse. So it's kind of a matter of reassessment and self acceptance. My faith in a higher power helps with it too.

I am one of these people who worries about what other people think and so I am kind of paranoid, and like being in the background as opposed to being the center of attention like I once used to be.

All in all my life is not too bad right now. I have reestablished my relationships with my kids. The anger and hatred that I had for my ex has dissipated for the most part. Well, that is ongoing, depending on what he does and says, he can be really vile at times. But that is because he does not understand about addiction, never has, never will. And he has remarried and lives 500 miles away from me.

I see and hear about people every day who have turned their lives around so I know it is do able. Of course I wish none of this had happened but it did and here I am fighting my way back. I do live my life one day at a time and I make a conscious decision every day to try to be happy and positive. Some days it is easier than others.

I thank you for listening to me and taking an interest in me. God knows I need all the help I can get. Thank You Jack and others who are listening. Joanne

jackstem · Feb 6, 2009

EXCELLENT!!!!!

rninmi · Feb 10, 2009

Talking about people who don't "get it"....that's so true....I have traded one addiction for another lately....running. About 3 yrs into my recovery I discovered a legal way to release endorphins and other mood altering chemicals into my body!!! Anyway, I digress....the reason I say this is b/c I was reading an article the other day on a running club started for homeless, mostly addicted people in inner cities....

Anyway one of the guys was saying he has been clean for 12 mos...he can go tell his brother, "hey man, I haven't smoked crack in 12 mos!" His brother's reply is "yeah....so? why didnt' you do that 5 yrs ago, before stealing my car and going to jail 5 times?"

His brother didn't get it....the same way I can tell jo blow "I ran a 1/2 marathon in 1hr 35 mins!"...again....."yeah, and that means what?"

Everyone speaks there own language! That is why addicts need addicts....we get it....that has been playing out in my days lately.....

I just "graduated" from my 4 yr monitoring agreement. Now I"m feeling punky all of a sudden....now I have cravings I have not had in a LONG TIME....(can totally relate to the bathroom thing) My wife don't "get it" my friends don't "get it"...but you guys get it. Thanks...we all speak a language, some understand it, some don't.

joaniej231 · Feb 10, 2009

rninmi and others, Please be careful about feeling "punky". It is so simple and effortless to become so self assured that the next thing you know you are taking something because"just one time won't do anything". Been there done that on more than one occasion.

I was on such close monitoring not only from the board but also a probation officer, who was up my butt all the time. And I was defiant as hell, well, he was a total pig, very nasty and condescending which was the last thing I needed. I had such self loathing, I certainly did not need some arrogant bastard telling me how horrible I was. But, thank God that all ended. But the thoughts and cravings did not stop, I have to be on top of those cravings at all times.

The idea of running is fantastic. Keep that up!

I truly believe that only another addict "gets it". Noone could possibly understand what it is like, unless you have been there.

Those homeless people that started running, occured in Philadelphia which is where I live (suburbs). A young girl started getting sneakers for them and she gave them a sense of purpose and genuinely cared about them, and so it went from there. And they would all run together. She was up for a humanitarian award on 360 Anderson Cooper.

I am so glad for this web site and to have the opportunity to vent and talk with other addicts who are nurses. Peace be with you. Joanne

theRykster · Mar 5, 2009

Denial kept me drunk for a long time. A very long time.

"The opiate that I took was for a headache, my cousin gave it to me I didnt think twice I just took it. I was in pain and didn't think about it, untill it showed up on my screen."

You want to practice nursing using this type of judgement?

Get a sponsor and show him this thread.

Please.