Personal Statement Review

[preaggienurse17]

Hello!

I am in search of someone willing to read my personal statement and provide some constructive feedback. I have had a lot of feedback but I am hoping people that are aware of what most nursing school prompts are will be able to provide better, more fitting feedback.

[NeoNatMom]

Will you post it in this thread or PM it?

[preaggienurse17]

I didnt realize you have to post a certain amount to be able to PM so ill just post it below!

I am always the first person to say hello and give a smile. Whether you are a random person in passing or an old friend. I never let anything get in the way of my happiness. You know what they say: happiness is contagious. Despite the hardship in my life, I have kept one thing constant—my optimism. Even simply walking around campus is an opportunity to make others' day by saying hello and exhibiting kindness. Some may give me an awkward look and some may give me a Howdy!,” but I think in life it is the simple acts like this that make a difference.

To be quite honest, I did not know I wanted to be a nurse until after my first year in college. I came to school hoping to do environmental engineering, which says a lot about who I am. I love creating and discovering new things, while also making a difference. I realized very quickly, however, that this was not the field for me and soon fell in love with the idea of nursing. I began by volunteering in the hospital and I knew, at that point, that nursing would allow me to make a difference in peoples' lives on a daily basis, and is a profession I would always enjoy and be challenged by. A mentor once told me wealth is not measured by money, but in how many lives you change,” and this quote has stuck with me since. I know as a nurse I will be able to make an impact on people's lives for good, for better, and for life. I will constantly strive to make my patients and their loved ones feel valued and taken care of. Some may come to me for comfort after the tragic loss of their loved one, and I strive to leave them feeling more peaceful.

After the realization that nursing was the perfect path for me, I was all too eager to transition into the classes that would prepare me. That summer I hit the ground running by taking Anatomy and Physiology, because this is the basis for everything I would be learning I was extremely excited! I signed up for a four-week course that met for about five hours a day and despite my eagerness, I failed miserably. The information was too extensive to comprehend in the short period of time, yet I had only realized this after I completed the course. I initially intended to apply to nursing school right away and get started with my life. However, this experience proved that I needed to further develop myself educationally. I decided to get my Bachelors of Science in Health due to the applicability of the classes to nursing. From this point on I tried to be patient and go through my prerequisites in a timely manner. Although patience is one of my weaknesses, it also shows that I am optimistic, hopeful, and driven. I see the difficult road ahead of me and I do not run, I go forward with high expectations and the determination to excel. I am extremely detail oriented, and always have been. You will never see my room out of order or my closet not color-coded. These traits enable nurses to collect and organize relevant information about patients in order to advocate for their wellbeing.

My road to becoming a nurse is just beginning, but applying to nursing school is a big and important step I have to take. In college I have applied time management, collaboration, and strong work ethic; and I am now ready to apply these skills to being a nurse. In the midst of the last four years I never forgot to take time for myself, because in order to be the best nurse I can be, I need to be the best version of myself as well.

[Wiggly Litchi]

I would try to consolidate/rephrase it a bit; do you have to reach a specific word count? I can try and get a little editing done, might take a few mins though!

[Wiggly Litchi]

Okay, so I've cut a lot of stuff out- personally, I'd leave the part about you failing the anatomy course out... and possibly the closet color coding haha.

I'm always the first person to greet people with a smile; I believe that both happiness and kindness are contagious so I try my best to spread them where I can. Despite the hardships in my life, I have tried my best to maintain my optimism; through hard work and perseverance I can overcome the obstacles in my path.

To be honest, I didn't know that I wanted to be a nurse until after my first year of college; I originally wanted to pursue a career in environmental engineering as I care deeply about not only people, but the planet we call home.

I love to create and discover new things, but I realized very quickly that environmental engineering wasn't stimulating me as I'd hoped, and after a great deal of thought I decided that I wanted to be a nurse. I volunteered in a hospital to make sure that I was making the correct decision; I felt that not only would nursing would allow me to make a difference in peoples' lives on a daily basis, but I'd be constantly learning new things while overcoming challenges.

A mentor once told me:

Wealth is not measured by money, but in how many lives you change.”

This quote has stuck with me since. I know that as a nurse I'll be able to make a long-lasting and positive impact on my patients. I will constantly strive to advocate for my patients and their loved ones, while providing quality care.

Formatting is a tad off because I've copy/pasted from Word, but c'est la vie~ Feel free to add to this, scrap it, whatevs. Usually though, I've found that personal statements should be concise - some like for you to put in something like a challenge you've faced and how you overcame it.

There's a few wonderful examples here if you feel like you want/need to shuffle things around: Personal Statement - Example 1 | Wheaton

[preaggienurse17]

Thank you so so much for your help!

[Buyer beware, BSN]

OP,

Just a few pointers.

I don'see the words "passion" and "compassion" used often enough if at all. This omission will make you an outlier compared to other zealous applicants.

On the plus side I noticed the word "time management." Nursing can't stress this quality enough. Especially if you have a huge patient assignment.

You'll notice this important attribute again and again as your instructors show up for class late when you're in school. Please forgive the attempt at levity.

More to the point. Always try to fit in the words "evidenced based practice" and critical thinking skills."

The keepers of the gates go nuts for that stuff and it's kind of a secret just between you and me.

Hope this helps.

[EricJRN, MSN, RN]

I would think about the impression that you want to make - the few qualities that you want to highlight about yourself - and then build actual examples that back up those traits. Remember that anyone can add flattering adjectives to a personal statement, so the more you're able to back up your assertions with specifics or actual examples, the better.

To me, the first part (about saying hi to everyone and things like that) isn't very focused. It goes between the idea of you staying happy, being optimistic and really just being nice to people, so it's not 100% clear what the take-away message is. I would pick one of those ideas and provide more detail. Don't focus too much on the idea of ensuring your own happiness. They do want happy, pleasant and well-rounded people in nursing school, but to be honest, nursing school is probably going to get in the way of your happiness on a regular basis if you are a good student. :)

I agree with a previous poster who says not to focus on failing A&P at this point. That's actually your most detailed example, so that aspect might really stick in someone's mind - and not necessarily in a good way. If you decide to address it, I would rephrase it so that it doesn't look like you have difficulty with fast-paced learning. Nursing school is going to ask you to learn a large amount of unfamiliar material in a short time, so you don't want to cast yourself as someone who couldn't do that in a prerequisite course.

Right now you still have typos (peoples' lives, Bachelors of Science), sentence fragments (Whether you are a random person...) and run-ons (I see the difficult road...) in your statement. People fluff up their personal statements a lot, so someone might naturally look for inconsistencies in what you are writing. If you say you are detail-oriented but you have these proofreading issues, you might not present yourself as credible. You may decide to rewrite some parts of this based on what people tell you here, so I would just make sure to read the final version over and over and get more opinions.

Also think about the fact that there are endless ways to help people without going to nursing school. What makes nursing your perfect path? Every nursing school applicant since the beginning of time has written about wanting to help people, but what is it specifically about nursing that makes you want to help people as a nurse? That would be a good chance to stand out a little bit and show that your volunteer work really helped you to understand nursing and its challenges.

These things are hard because you have limited space to present just the right side of yourself, but I think that with a little more focus you'll be on the right track. Good luck to you.