Patients Say the Darnedest Things - WIN $250! Nurses Week Contest 2018

Nurses General Nursing

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We've all been there. In our time as nurses, we've heard patients say some pretty wild things. Whether it's off-the-wall reasons for how they came to need medical care or something as seemingly mundane as a catchphrase which a patient uttered that resulted in you having a laughing fit; those memorable phrases, reasons or moments could win you one of two $250 Amazon.com gift cards courtesy of relode.

Dust off those memories and leave them in the comment form below. The two grand prize winners will be announced during National Nurses Week but have no fear - even if you don't win one of the grand prizes, we are giving away some cool runner-up prize packs to two more lucky winners!

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We all know that patients say the darnedest things, let us hear your best! Thanks for all that you, our nation's nurses, do and Happy National Nurses Week!

Be sure to enter our two previous contests for more chances to win...

Have fun!

[button=https://allnurses.com/national_nurses_week-info.html]National Nurses Week Celebration

30 Days of Celebration / 8 Days of Giveaways[/button]

UPDATED May 9 ... and the winner is...

As promised, the winners are posted below. Thanks for all of the awesome and creative entries!!! Feel free to share!

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Got an elderly gentleman up to the BSC after a few minutes I asked if he was done, his response "here I sit broken hearted, I came to $h!t and only farted"... I laughed so hard!

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Had a very confused patient. Tried to get out the door in a nursing home. Staff go and get the patient away from the door she says "That didn't work."

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I was a new grad and worked at a nursing home that had a memory care unit. One of their activities was called, "Memory Joggers," in which the activity leader would read the first part of a common saying, and the residents would finish it. An example of this is, the staff would say, "A rolling stone," and the residents would finish with, "gathers no moss."

One day, the staff read off, "Where there's a will..." And one of our residents blurted out, "There's RELATIVES!"

It's been 14 years, and I don't think I've ever laughed that hard at work since then.

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I had a fairly young patient that was admitted for Hypertensive Emergency. Her drug test was positive for cocaine. The doctor confronted her about the positive drug test, and he told her that there were "certain things"that she was doing that she needs to stop doing." She responded, "Oh, you mean cocaine? I don't do cocaine anymore."

The doc replied, "Your drug test tells us otherwise."

Patient responded, "Honest doctor, I don't do cocaine anymore! I swear! I just cook it and sell it! I don't do cocaine anymore!"

The doctor and I both managed to keep a straight face. I had to explain to her later that if there was steam when she was cooking the cocaine, she was still doing cocaine.

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Patient had a hearing deficit. His wife is bringing him food from home as he is on a regular diet. Wife says "I've got some good peas." Patient responds "How the hell did you get herpes?" The wife and I laughed so hard. It made my night.

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Specializes in Psych (25 years), Medical (15 years).
Patient had a hearing deficit. His wife is bringing him food from home as he is on a regular diet. Wife says "I've got some good peas." Patient responds "How the hell did you get herpes?"

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Specializes in Psych (25 years), Medical (15 years).
one that in all my years of working LTC still makes me feel guilty is the adorable, tiny little lady that adopted a quite heavy CPR practice baby. She insisted her baby was sick and needed a shot to get better. I came up with reason after reason to not give that darn baby it's shot and soon enough that old gal is stalking me up and down the hall and into rooms holding that heavy CPR baby by one foot, shaking it and yelling at me "see! He's dead! You KILLED HIM!! I told you you should've given him his shot!" By the time that shift was over I was feeling like a no good baby killer. To this day I wish I would have just given that darn baby a shot and saved that poor lady and me from her distress.

That story, kbrn is so sad, yet so hilariously funny!

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I don't understand why I am gaining weight.. Maybe I shouldn't order off the ala carte menu anymore...

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I once had a elderly female patient ask "May I have a fan, I have no lady parts?"

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I had a patient start talking about monkeys during the middle of a conversation and then get right back onto topic of his pain.

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Specializes in Psych (25 years), Medical (15 years).
I had a patient start talking about monkeys during the middle of a conversation and then get right back onto topic of his pain.

Hmm! Whattaya know?

Tangential monkeys and circumstantial pain!

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One of my hospice home patients after I had seen him a few times: "What did you say your husband did?"

Me: "I'm not married."

Patient: "Oh well if you're not married now you probably won't be."

This was right before a birthday that I was not looking forward to so it made me feel greeeeat haha

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