Patient Help

[ChrisEtc]

Just wanted to preface by saying I'm not a nurse, I'm a dialysis patient. I'm here because I need a different perspective on a situation I'm dealing with and what better place I suppose. I've been in dialysis for about a year now and I'm having issues with a particular nurse, who I guess started with my unit the month after I got there. She's just out of school, roughly the same age as I am, mid 30's. When I got to dialysis I was pretty angry about it, I think that's natural probably. I pretty much blew everyone off, didn't so much talk to anyone. When this nurse started I knew right away that I was going to have trouble with her, getting attached to her. So I intentionally ignored her for the longest time. The more I did that the more she seemed interested in getting me to open up to her. It was kind of freaking me out a little bit so one day I asked her directly why she was so kind to me. Her voice went up like three octaves and she started talking around in circles and she said she was nice to everybody, it seemed like I hit on something that she didn't want to talk about really. I just kind of dropped it at that point because I didn't want to make her uncomfortable. Eventually I started getting past the anger and what have you, and we started hitting it off really well her and I. We talked a lot, sometimes very personal conversations. She's extremely friendly with everyone, there's no question. It seems to be different with me though, at least it feels that way. People have said things to me about her that give me the impression others see that as well. I'm not a very outwardly friendly person so it takes some effort for someone to gain my trust and reach that certain level with me. This is by design on my part, I mean I'm not comfortable around strange people and what have you. Dialysis is a very difficult thing for me. You're just thrown in this place with all of these people and it's a very personal thing to me. In this time I've certainly had my struggles in dealing with it all. I've pretty much narrowed the field of people that I prefer to deal with so as to keep it a personal experience for me. The situation with this nurse seems to be on a rapidly escalating track to I don't know where. I was in a relationship with a woman that I love very much and a few months ago things kind of broke down and it ended. This kind of threw me into a serious depression and has caused me to behave rather poorly in dialysis. I guess being easily agitated by things and just a desire to be left alone, not very talkative even with the people I would generally chat with. At one point I kind of threw a tantrum about taking my blood pressure all the time and this nurse got angry with me, kind of scolded me, and I deserved it certainly. I told her she didn't understand and she said she wanted to understand. There's not much privacy in the unit of course and so I opted to write a letter about it. A week or two prior we had talked about the stages of denial and what have you, how writing a letter could help release some of those feelings. She thought I was just angry about being in dialysis but it was really just anger about losing this relationship that meant the world to me. It was someone I'd known for a long, long time and it was a complicated situation. This woman also happened to be my best friend so the person that I would usually go to to talk about things like this wasn't there anymore. So I decided to write that letter and I gave it to the nurse. I tried to explain what was going on with me and I apologized for making her angry and explained that I appreciated her effort in dealing with me and that I was open to her and appreciated everything she does for me. I told her I thought she was an amazing person and dealing with her was often the best part of my day, because it is in reality. We didn't talk about the letter at all and a few or two later I was having a bad day and she said some things to me that really hurt me. She said that the letter was no excuse for my behavior and that she feels she has to be nice to me so I'll let her do her job. I have trouble believing that she really thinks those things but she said them so now I'm just in shock. I feel like I've been taken in by some act or something. I would never have divulged such personal things to her had she told me she's nice to me so she could do her job. I mean asked her last year about all of that and she blew me off. Now she says this to me? I mean I spent several hours handwriting a several page letter, pouring my feelings into it and I'm shocked that she would think I did that as an excuse. She is this hot and cold person with me. One day we can laugh, talk, have a great time, talk about some really personal and thoughtful things which is what impresses me about her and then another day it'll be like she could care less. I'm no saint certainly and I've struggled with being in dialysis but I'm completely confused by this behavior. It's been a year of this and I'm just dumbfounded. It's even a bit more complicated than that actually. Over the year I mean I've done things from time to time, gotten flowers, small gifts during holidays, breakfast from time to time, whatever... obviously this has given other people there the impression that there's more to it than there really is to this point. I've had people there call her my girl and insinuate different things, it's made me shy away from her because I don't want people talking about her like that behind her back... I don't even say hi to her anymore when I come in. I don't even talk to her unless she approaches me first. Perhaps this is part of the hot and cold thing with her, I don't know. I'm just completely confused on how to handle this situation. I like her a great deal and I want to continue getting to know her, have a friendship with her even if it means I have to go to another unit. Her friendship means that much to me, she is one of the most amazing people I have ever met. This isn't a falling for your nurse thing on my part, I really genuinely care for her and like her as a person. That I met her there just happens to be where I met her. I really need a nurse's perspective here on what might be going on. Am I wasting my time? She is married, though in the year I've been there she's has talked to me about her entire family except for her husband. It's strangely noticeable and I'm not trying to make more of it than it is but it's odd to me. Perhaps wishfully so, I don't know. I'm just very confused and have a lot on my plate just dealing with being there without having these feelings and trying to figure this out. I don't regret it certainly but I want to navigate this as well as possible. Any help is appreciated.

[evolvingrn, BSN, RN]

I'm sorry but I think your wasting your time . He is a professional providing care to you. It seems like some boundaries have been crossed on both sides.

[Pepper The Cat, BSN, RN]

Paragraphs please!

[mazy]

I'm sorry but I had a really hard time making it through your post. Please edit in some paragraphs. But from what I'm seeing it sounds like you are dealing with some very difficult emotions because of your health situation and you are also experiencing confusing feelings for a nurse who may possibly be seeing this relationship in an entirely different light.

You are a patient in need of comfort and the nurse is trying to provide that comfort, which would be something that ANY compassionate nurse would do. It doesn't mean that there are any kind of personal feelings.

You may be interpreting this nurse's behavior incorrectly or not, I'm not sure. It seem from your post that you think there is a relationship there that most possibly on the nurse's end is simply a professional working relationship with a patient, while on the other hand, you have feelings for that nurse that go beyond the professional.

Whatever the case, it sounds like the nurse is not handling this situation correctly and boundary lines have been crossed. Her "hot and cold" behavior may simply be a case of a nurse struggling to provide patient care to a patient who is reading a lot of personal emotions into a professional situation.

I have had situations like this come up with patients, and I am always surprised when a patient who I am providing care to in the most professional way possible, interprets our relationship to be more than personal.

So I'm not really sure what to tell you. Overall it seems that you are going through something very difficult in terms of your health and I hope that you can find some sense of peace there. You are very young to be going through something like this and it must be devastating to you.

Are there any counselling resources available to you to work through your emotions in regard to your health? I think it would be helpful to you to explore those feelings. In the process you may find some clarity in terms of your relationship with this nurse.

Sending you hugs.:hug:

[OCNRN63, RN]

If you need to talk about deeply personal things, you should do so with someone who specializes in counseling.

It sounds like the both of you crossed some boundaries. She sounds like she divulged some information that gave you the impression that you had a closer relationship than just pt.:nurse. It also sounds like she was trying to give you the hint that there were certain topics that were off-limits, like talking about her husband.

When you go to the hospital/dialysis, you should expect to get good patient care, but nothing more. If you need to talk about sensitive/personal issues, you need to get a counselor/therapist.

Maybe she was backing off because she realized she had gone a little too far; she may have wanted to stop being overly personal but didn't know how to do it. She may have thought she'd hurt your feelings if she discussed it with you.

Personally, I am kind to my patients, and I will share some information, but I know when to stop; I was burned once, and it won't happen again. When a pt. tries to get too personal with me, I kindly but firmly tell them I won't talk about those matters. Most of the time, they get the message. The few that don't...I get a co-worker to switch with me.

[ChrisEtc]

Yeah, I dunno it's all very confusing. Nobody gives you a handbook on how to be a patient or something. I'm a very private person by nature and it's been evident that she's made an extraordinary effort to get past that with me. Far more so than anyone else. When I confronted her about it I could tell she was being less than open about it. People are people so that's fine. I'd like to think I'm just looking more into it than really exists but there's a lot of flirtation involved. I'm trying to be very objective about it but if I interacted with someone the way we do at any other place that I frequent I would consider it flirting. Maybe it's different because this situation requires a more personal thing that you're dealing with due to the seriousness of it and the frequency with which I'm there, 3 x per week 4 hours per day.

I'd be mortified to be one of those guys who is hitting on a nurse simply because she is trying to do her job well and I go out of my way not to do that but it's becoming more and more difficult. I know that her job is extremely stressful and it's difficult to deal with all the personalities and things that go on and the last thing I want to do is to add to that. She's a remarkable person that I respect a great deal and I value what she does for me a tremendous amount. I don't want to create an awkward situation but it's kind of becoming an awkward situation now whether I do/say something or not. I would think it was just my imagination if other people, employees there, had not said things to me about it. I guess I'm trying to gain the perspective of how a nurse goes about her work and what have you as maybe it'll help me understand what's going on.

[loriangel14, RN]

I think you really need to ask for another nurse and distance yourself from the situation.Plus she's married. What do you have in mind by continuing this?

[LynnLRN]

I have witnessed many nurses become attached to patients that we come in contact with frequently. By attached I do not mean in love with, I mean people come in with sad stories and are quite sick and we are there through that and the healing. I think it is human nature to care about people. I think usually it is the patient who becomes attached and then a codependent type relationship occurs. However, in the end the nurse always comes back to other nurses for how to professionally end the relationship. I work inpt so the relationship usually has to be terminated at discharge. Usually the pt will ask for our phone number/facebook/email etc. and the nurse knows it is not appropriate to continue on the relationship outside of work and has to politely decline. So for your own sake I think you should just treat her like any other nurse.

[ChrisEtc]

I don't know that I'm continuing anything. I tried to blow her off for a long, long time. I'm very strong-willed but when someone you find completely amazing is treating you that way it's pretty damn hard not to react to it. I guess the better question is what are my intentions? I don't know. I'd like to be friends but I certainly don't want her getting in any trouble because of it whether at work or at home.

My condition is genetic so there'll be no discharge for me unless I get a transplant which typically takes several years. At any given time there are probably 60 to 80 patients rolling through there every other day and she must have some personal connection of some sort with just about each one of them I would imagine. I'm not naive enough to believe I'm just that one person that she feels more for than the rest but I dunno it's just confusing the hell out of me. Due to the time of day I'm there, getting a different nurse isn't really an option and there's no way in hell I'm taking this to anyone there because frankly I'd prefer to deal with this directly with her than involve other people that will make an even bigger mess of it and cause a lot of hard feelings.

I suppose at some point I'll simply have to confront her directly about it and explain my feelings and ask her to set me straight on the nature of this all. I'm just a little concerned with doing that because I don't know that she'll take it well.

Thanks for your perspectives on the matter. I appreciate it.