Out before I even started....sorry long

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Well this morning my dream of becoming a nurse crashed. Here is the story:

I applied back in December for the ADN-RN program at a local community college. I already have credit there from a degree I didn't finish but they were still acceptable. The only course I had to take before I could be accepted into the RN program was Biology, any Biology and pass it with a "C". Since then I have been trying to put money away without sacraficing current bills/expenses/needs. Finding a way to save as much as possible for school expenses has been a priority. I never said a word to my DH about changing careers, I was waiting until I got my grade in the Bio I had to take. That class was going to be my deciding factor. My plan was to take Human Bio as a "get my feet wet" class for A&P. I figured if I got through Human with flying colors it would help my confidence when it came to A&P and somewhat help ease my nerves. I was hoping to start in Fall 08 when my older son goes to Kindergarten. I have been seeking part-time employment basically since January at my current job but was willing to leave there if the right opportunity came along. I have a family with 2 young kids, DH, and a dog so all decisions/actions I have done to date are with their needs in mind and what we would need in the future while I was in school. I knew I would have to take out student loans since at this point it is looking like our income is too high for financial aid.

Well this morning I'm thinking my hopes have ended before I even started. DH and I were looking at the paper and I mentioned PD Nurses at a local hospital getting X per hour. DH said "That is what you should have done, you should have been a Nurse". So I confessed and told him that I had applied to NS and didn't get accepted b/c of the Bio. His response was "A guy I worked with was going to school to be a nurse and out of his class of 60, only 5 were going to graduate". I said that is impossible that the drop out rate/failure rate would be that high. This is the second conversation we have had like this and all DH talks about is the drop out rate and how high it is based on what he found out from a former co-worker who was taking Nursing classes at the time. Then he mentioned something about "people have to work". I told him that not everyone is like that and mentioned our neighbor who stayed home w/her DS after he was born for 2 years (which is the length of my program) before she had to go to work. I just don't think that my DH will support this after these 2 conversations. I think he will be too freaked out over the loss of my income (I was hoping to not have to work in school but since I carry our insurance I have to work at least part-time at my current employer so I can maintain our family insurance).

I was figuring that our daycare bill would drop considerably since I would only have to put 1 in daycare which is a huge savings. I have started to save the miscellaneous days fees for days the center is closed like holidays. Instead of leaving that days money in the checking account, I have transferred it to savings for future use. I was also figuring that since the actual NS classes start later in the morning I would be able to get our older son on the bus those days so we wouldn't have to send him to the before school program which would be another savings.

Both times I have brought up becoming a nurse, DH usually gets up and leaves the room giving me the signal that it is a discussion that he doesn't want to have. I just don't think I'll be able to do this. Money would be very tight for us and I know that student loans would be necessary and of course would apply for scholarships but it is just very hard. Without being able to prove to him on paper that this is doable (which is why I have been trying to save so much on my own), I don't really have much of an argument with him. I would feel differently if I had said that I had applied and he had said, have you thought about paying for it, but that conversation didn't happen.

I am scared to death of NS. My biggest fear is failing or getting kicked out. The job itself isn't scary but the schooling required is. I hear NS is hell and I figure that it is only temporary hell so if I can just do well enough to get through I'll be fine. I was using the biology that I will still take in January as my gauge for my final decision as to whether I felt confident enough to complete the work in A&P and do well. The A&P class for me, is more scary than the actual nursing classes.

So basically now I'm kicking myself that I didn't go to NS years ago when I was single and living at home w/my parents. I know someone who is a nurse and her hospital at that time still offered the hospital program in exchange for 2 years of service after completion. I didn't follow through b/c I chickened out back then, fearing failure.

I think that most of us here who are just beginning are fearing failure but we will never know unless we try and trying is what I want to do. I am just beginning to think that my opportunity to try is diminished and I am now beginning to fear that I will not have the emotional/financial support (meaning he won't let me spend our household savings to help pay if I needed it to, which wasn't really part of my plan but if he offered I certainly wouldn't have said no). I just don't think that I will ever be a nurse at this point and it is really depressing. I still have a year before my "plan" was supposed to go into effect but the real question now is, do I have the NS fight with DH now and make my final decision now without having very much proof that it is doable or do I continue down the path I am on knowing that a year from now I may be giving up the dream?

Sorry this got so long but I just needed to get it all out. I am looking at the money as a positive though, if I don't go to NS then I have accomplished more savings than I would have had school not been a part of my plan, therefore creating a habit of regularly saving which I haven't done in years. It would also give me a chunk to put into a retirement account which I want to start anyway. So giving up the dream wouldn't be terrible financially, it would just be terrible emotionally. My brother told me a few years ago that I should have been a vet tech b/c I love animals so much, but I would rather help people more, those words from him I now wish I would have thought more about but at the time I was studying to be a teacher and now after being a parent, know that teaching little kids is not what I want to do. I love my kids to death but I no longer see myself teaching a large group of them. DH has an aunt that teaches nursing and I thought that maybe someday that would be something that I would do since I love train people on how to do a job (I had a job years ago that involved me training all the new employees in the department and loved that which is why I thought I want to be a teacher).

Sorry this got so long but getting it all off my chest was important to me. Thanks for listening.

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I personally, think you have a bigger problem than you realize.

What I got from your post is that your husband likes to tell you what you did wrong, you give an explanation of how to fix it, and then he tells you how that isn't going to work, how you can't make it, how the odds are stacked against you with made-up statistics (one call to the nursing school will confirm his statement or denounce it)...you get the picture.

That is a form of control, which is a form of abuse.

My father, who is even a physician himself, is like that. I can recognize the pattern in a New York minute. He is the reason I dropped out of college when I was young...I wanted so much to please him...if I took a class and didn't do well, then I wasn't committed. If I took a class and got an "A", then I got an A because I had an easy instructor...never because I worked hard.

It was a no-win situation. It was only after I quit school, got married, and had children that I was able to step out of the picture and see it for what it is.

I am so sorry that you are having to go through that. It's not right.

This is the kicker: You can provide all of the statistics to your husband that you want...and I would bet a dollar he will STILL find a way to convince you, that you are unable to succeed. It's his way of controlling you via bankroll.

If you can, please try to persue your dream....even if it's your husband....don't listen to someone that is trying to advice you based on 4th hand information.

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Thanks for you response. I shouldn't make it sound like he is controlling b/c he really isn't. He concerned is always affording things we need to survive. It always comes down to money and making sure that if we take on a big expense, we can actually afford it.

For example: 2 years ago my DH wanted a minivan, I wanted a baby. DH truly didn't think we could afford both and I knew we could. I put everything down and paper and got the shock of my life! We couldn't account for several hundred dollars a month! I figured out everything, the new car payment and the increase in daycare as well and proved to him that we could actually afford it. I told him that if we put x amount away during my pg, then we should have x when the baby was born. DH thought for sure anything we saved, we would blow through in no time after the baby was born but agreed to the plan. Our baby is 18 months old and we have even more money in the bank than we did when he was born and DH has admitted that he was wrong in his thinking. I will admit that at times he tries to be controlling and I always call him to the carpet on it and he does see it but again it is always his concern about paying the bills that holds him back from many things. I will also admit that at times my plan didn't always work and money that should have gone into savings during my pg didn't so we didn't actually save as much as we should have while I was pg. DH has even remarked about how he really didn't think we could do both and is happy that I proved him wrong. But it still worked and the positive is that we came to the agreement together. That is, for us anyway, a method that has worked for us. I do the math and show him how I came up with the figures and then we make a decision based on what I came up with. So it really isn't that he is controlling but more worried about finances than anything. I can say that I know we will have a major expense coming as his car needs to be replaced. Right now I'm just hoping to keep it going long enough so that we don't have two car payments and he agrees that 2 would make life hard on us even if it was for just a short period of time. It is strange, DH and I always discuss major expenses going into them and I think help us from arguments over money. That is why I feel that I need to be able to save now, to help prove to him (and myself) that financially it would be fine for me to attend nursing school without having to sacrifice too much financially. Maybe people will read this and still think that my DH is controlling and nasty, but I truly don't see it in our relationship. And believe me, I watch for things that could lead to problems later now that my sister is involved in an ugly divorce. DH and I have talked about her divorce and how we are glad that we always work things out to the point where we are both happy with the final decision b/c we do not want our marriage to go down the drain, neither can imagine life without the other so we truly try to make sure that we have a great balance. I'm sorry that I made my DH sound like a jerk and maybe people will still think that after reading both of my posts, but he really isn't, he just wants to be sure that we are financially stable enough so we can continue to worry about raising our kids and meeting their needs rather than worry about where we will get the money from to pay the bills.

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hi karen!

first and foremost, i am 3 quarters from graduating from an asn program in ohio. our little community college has the #1 spot for passing the nclex (the state boards after you graduate), so it's basically a really tough program. i'd like to address some of your concerns.

his response was "a guy i worked with was going to school to be a nurse and out of his class of 60, only 5 were going to graduate".

this could very possibly be true. we've lost 25% of our class the first quarter of nursing, and then another 15% in the second. now, 5 quarters later, there are approximately 60 students out of the 105 we started with-- and we have 3 more quarters to go. but, but, if you want this, and you work hard, you will be one of the ones who graduate.

both times i have brought up becoming a nurse, dh usually gets up and leaves the room giving me the signal that it is a discussion that he doesn't want to have.

oh my, this sounds so familiar. change is scary, especially for our dear husbands. i don't know your marriage, but i know my marriage. i had to talk with him several times before coming to an agreement. sure, money is an issue-- i think it is for everyone. but, tell him to look into the future. you'll have a college education, great benefits and not have to worry about wiping out your savings if your roof needs replaced. i also started out early taking my pre-reqs in the evening, so daycare wasn't an issue then. i moved gradually into the day classes and now i'm a full-time nursing student.

the a&p class for me, is more scary than the actual nursing classes.

it was for me too. i actually had a tougher time in a & p than i have nursing. i squeezed by with a "c". in nursing, i haven't had anything less than an "a". i think anatomy and physiology is so much easier to understand when you're thinking of the pathophysiology of body systems. take advantage of tutors! they are there to help. talk to an advisor and tell them your worries. they are a great resource to use.

so basically now i'm kicking myself that i didn't go to ns years ago when i was single and living at home w/my parents.

i used to do this. but then i think to myself-- i would not have appreciate college as much if i would have went if i was younger. i love school. it's not terrible at all. you're learning how to heal and help people. i find it amazing how much i've learned in such a little amount of time.

i knew i would have to take out student loans since at this point it is looking like our income is too high for financial aid.

we're in the same boat. even though i was an at-home mom for years, hubby makes too much money. loans get us through and there is often enough left over to help with other expenses such as daycare, groceries, etc. there are hospitals that offer "scholarships" if you work for them so xx amount of time after you graduate. there is financial aid available out there; its all about taking the time to find it.

maybe people will read this and still think that my dh is controlling and nasty, but i truly don't see it in our relationship.

nope, i didn't get that impression at all. i have one of those husbands too! they just worry. it's who they are.

well this morning i'm thinking my hopes have ended before i even started.

no, no, no! they haven't ended. follow your dream, take one class at a time. apply to nursing school after your pre-req. when that decision letter comes in the mail that you've been accepted, the feeling is amazing. please take the pre-req and at least apply. you'll kick yourself forever if you don't.

i am doing it with all of the odds in the world against me. i have 2 kids, one with cerebral palsy who has significant special needs. we don't make great money, but we make enough not to qualify for financial aid. my husband was scared for us financially. now, i've just signed a contract with children's, so i already have a job lined up! life is finally looking up for us.

you can do this!

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Hi there... I'm sorry you are feeling this way, I understand some of your frustration. But since you asked, here is my 2 cents... If nursing is your dream, then you owe it to yourself and your family to follow it. You've backed out before and regret it. If you back out again, you will regret it more. You may even subconsciously blame your dh for this one and that may undermine your marriage. I don't think your husband is a jerk (as you put it), maybe he's a little insecure.

I have wanted to go to NS for almost 20 years. But because of two failed marriages and being a single mom of 3 beautiful kids for many years, and even because of my own fear of failing (I had 2 marriages fail, after all), I haven't pursued it until now. And I'm 42! (I start CNA classes this week, then I'm on to my nursing pre-req's.) I'd look into it, get all the info, get excited about it...then give up thinking I couldn't do it. It really wore down my self esteem. I have a very supportive husband now, but it will still be a challenge being a wife/mother/employee/student all at the same time, but I can do it and so can you.

You can do it. You know you can. Your dh knows you can. Have faith in God and believe in yourself. That's my 2 cents! Hang in there!

Karen

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Karen230,....I ADMIRE your openness and honesty and most certainly the way you think things thru, plan ahead, and ..in spite of some "normal" fear,..you are holding on to your inner self determination!!

I Love, love love...how you are setting aside $$$ for certain future expenses..and view the positive side of having done so, no matter how the situation turns out....

Geeze I think you are in many ways...way ahead of the game...

Let me quickly share something....I have been married for almost 17 years and for the majority of this time my Hubby was NOT supportive in my returning to school. I did take a Real-estate course when my daughter was about two and even managed to obtain my Brokers license, which hubby was way proud of, however I suspect there was some ulterior motive there as he secretly expected my to then go out and make mega $$$ ( which by the way did not happen, LOL) I did "good" my first year or so, but quickly discovered that...this was not for me.....Nursing was and always will be..my first love!!

Anyway I worked as a CNA Part time and then later.. full time ( for an agency doing private duty) always at night while my kids were young. I wanted to be home with my kids, ya know a "stay-at-home-mom" so bad, but the reality was...at the time we simply could not afford it.... Plus for a long time I carried the medical coverage, in addition to the unexpected event of hubby getting laid off twice within a 3 year period..which made us thankful for my income......Anyway I kinda had the the next best thing to being home, meaning doing the night shift..which worked out very well for us family wise in the long run.

Anyway fast forward...after some 10 years, ( of CNA work) ...my hubby ( to my amazement) is so behind me 100%,...no,...1000%!!. It took my actually sitting down one day and telling him Exactly how I felt. I expressed to him that..I had put my desires and goals, plus everyone and everything else before myself. I also told him that I did not want to retire in poverty, meaning how much could I really expect to put away ( say in an IRA, etc) on a CNA salary... I told him that our kids were 16 & almost 11 now and that I felt it was time for "ME". I shared with him that I kinda envied a couple of family members who recently obtained their LPN, RN,..etc...I told him too that i had begun to doubt my capabilities and that perhaps Nursing was not really "in the cards" for me afterall....I did it in a "matter-of-fact" manner_, no drama, tears...or regrets....just stated what I felt...and then left it alone...

Well several days later..HE approached me and brought up the subject of my returning to school!! He asked me how long would it take? and I said LPN = 1 year, RN 2+...he said well hon, lets "tough it out" for the first year ( meaning my not having to work ) and then we will go from there.....I said "OK" and then as before,.. just left things alone..

Its now been several weeks since that talk and wow is he my biggest supporter!! when I told him I finally applied, he was really happy for me, matter of fact, he talks about it More than I do!!, LOL. he joked with me that he honestly wants me to do this..cause he's tired of hearing me b**ch about it, LOL, LOL Recently we went over our budget, talked about the kids schedules, went over my school schedule, and so on...He will be getting the kids back and forth from school..And..even offered to do the cooking Mon- Fri since I won't be getting in till 6:30pm-ish.....He was intending on purchasing a newer vehicle for himself, but instead insisted that I needed it more, (with my having to travel an hour+ each way to school) and so I smile as I type this cause i can peer out my den's window and see my 2006 chevy Colbolt sitting in the driveway...

Now will Money will be tight for us?...,absolutely.. no doubt but certainly doable.. Will I be able to have the little extras I've been used to?,..well No,..but thats okay....Also already I know that this will be perhaps one of the hardest things I've done to date,...but with his support and my determination,..I AM going to do it!!

I said all that to simply say this...Please do talk to your hubby again!! Show him on paper where things will stand financially, point out the positive side of your returning to school....You CAN to this!! I feel after you talk..he will come around....

Please keep us posted!! I wish you the very very best!!!!!!

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I echo what other posters have said. I admire your budgeting skills. You have a good head on your shoulders.

Where there is a will there is a way. Scholarships, loans, grants, and tuition-reimbursed programs are out there in abundance.

I am starting my 5th block of an LPN program tomorrow. We started with 26 students and have 9 left. 2 dropped, the rest failed marginally. The failure rate is high for many reasons that are covered elsewhere.

Bottom line : nursing school is hard. It's tedious and long and you have to be able to focus on school and studying.

It sounds like your husband is a practical man. As long as you work out some numbers - financial aid, etc., he'll probably support you. If he doesn't - then he's not looking at your best interests, your child's best interest - and his best interest, because after school is over, you'll all be better off financially.

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We had one person drop out in the second week (what a punk, wasting a spot like that...), and since then, haven't had a single person drop or fail out. Our NCLEX pass rates for the first round have been 98%-100% for the past five years...and while I wouldn't claim that proves the best school in the area as someone above did, it does say something.

Right now, heading into the third semester...everyone is still going strong. We have a good bunch of responsible people and that is exactly what it takes.

It really is a matter of wanting it. We have people with kids, some a primary caregiver such as myself...and we have some who work jobs, both part-time AND full-time. It really is just a matter of wanting it bad enough, and prioritizing.

Don't expect to get much rest, don't expect to have any semblance of a social life, do expect that your husband is going to have to help be what he signed up to be...a partner. He is going to have to help pick up some slack, and be understanding when you come home at night shattered and emotional in the humbling experience that is the Nursing Program.

But you CAN do it. You just have to want it bad enough :)

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Just give it a few years. When both kids are in school all day. Try to save some money selling things on ebay or somehow. It may take your husband a few years to come around. THis is what happened to me.

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I agree with what the other posters are saying, do not give up, give your husband some time to think about and i am sure he will come around. I have wanted to be a nurse for a long time and i know it will be tough financially and emotionally but this is my dream and i will not give up. Just let your husband know that becoming a nurse is your dream and I am sure he will understand eventually. I have two boys and my husband is very supportive because he knows it's my dream and that I will make good money that will benefit our family, hang in there and I hope it works out for you. keep us posted ok

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Karen,

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. I guess if I were you, I would sit down with your DH and have a true heart to heart with him. Tell him that he CANNOT get up and leave until he hears everything you need to tell him. If you are afraid you can't get it all out.... print off what you wrote here and show it to him.

I realize that money is tight. But he needs to realize that it can be done. I have stayed home with my kids for 8 years. My DH makes good money now, but it wasn't always like that. I can remember with one of my pregnancies... craving grapefruit like mad... and having to pay for it with nickels and pennies at the grocery store.

You just make it work. I don't know how... but you can do it.

If this is something you truly want, and it's something you truly dream about, you can do it. Don't let him talk you out of it. The two of you can work it out....

Good luck with whatever you decide. But I really think he needs to sit down and listen to what you really have to say. Just think how wonderful you will feel once you have completed NS.

Take care,

Jennifer

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I just want to say I know exactly how you feel when it comes to money being tight. I am going to be 33 in February and I always think of how I should have pursued a nursing career while I was at home with my daughter. I guess I was afraid I wasn't smart enough. Here is my two cents...you can do whatever you want to if you believe in yourself. There are plenty of people, (some I was surprised to even see pass nursing school) achieve nursing school. I am doing the same thing taking out loans for nursing, and yes they will be paid back, but look at the increase in income you will be adding to your family once you graduate. You have to do this. Don't let a bump in the road stop you from pursing your dream. YOU WILL REGRET IT!! You can do it.

sc

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