Off topic: How to say no???

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Hi everyone. I'm a married mom of 4 boys and going to school full time. My courseload is incredible, as I'm sure many of yours are as well. I need some advice. A friend of mine has 2 children. One is 2 and te other almost 1. Anyhow she's been a stay at home mom and recently went back to work to waitress part time. I asked her who would watch the kids and she said the schedule would work around her husbands schedule. I told her I'd love to help her sometime but unforunately I'm really busy with school and home and hubby etc... (I had a feeling she'd be asking and I wanted to make it clear up front). Well first week of her work and she called to ask me to if I could baby sit and I said sure, but really had a test to study for. I ended up having to meet with my advisor that morning to pre-register for spring so I couldn't do it. She seemed a little upset but what am I to do right? I told her I am sorry but it's not a good time with finals coming and everything. To makea long story short she's asked me if I could watch them this coming Monday and next Saturday night and I told her I couldn't Monday for sure and Sat. night I'd have to let her know and I honestly just don't want to. I just don't know how to say no without upsetting her or something. Also I'm a little preturbed because I already expressed to her I wouldn't be able to anyway because of school. Anyone have any advice????

i couldnt help writing something about this. sorry if i will offend anybody.

it seems like a general occurence to me that most americans say that they would like to "help" even if they know that theres a very slim chance of them being able to. i see it all the time where i work. is it from "wanting to please everybody" kind of attitude? "wanting to show ur concerned and u care". and when u do approach them for the help, they act all surprised that u've taken them seriously. what is with all the fakeyness? there lots of ways to show that u feel the pain or the hardship, "'promising" them something u cant do is just the most ridiculous thing to do. if u know that u cant do anything for them, dont say anything. then u wont have to do all of these nonsense explanation why u cant "help" all of a sudden. i'd rather have someone not say anything to me than tell me theyre willing to help only to be let down in the end.

Aruray,

I don't think this is a problem exclusive to Americans. I have plenty of friends from other cultures that have trouble saying "no".

BTW, are you from India?

SJ

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lol. im not. whyd u say that?

theres a difference between saying "yea, yea..ill do it" and then disappear than saying "oh honey u poor little thing, anything i can do for u?" and then disappear!

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lol. im not. whyd u say that?

!

Your abbreviations in typing are same as friends' from India.

And, by your posting about "Americans", you are not from US...

So, I was curious as to where you are from...

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i couldnt help writing something about this. sorry if i will offend anybody.

it seems like a general occurence to me that most americans say that they would like to "help" even if they know that theres a very slim chance of them being able to. i see it all the time where i work. is it from "wanting to please everybody" kind of attitude? "wanting to show ur concerned and u care". and when u do approach them for the help, they act all surprised that u've taken them seriously. what is with all the fakeyness? there lots of ways to show that u feel the pain or the hardship, "'promising" them something u cant do is just the most ridiculous thing to do. if u know that u cant do anything for them, dont say anything. then u wont have to do all of these nonsense explanation why u cant "help" all of a sudden. i'd rather have someone not say anything to me than tell me theyre willing to help only to be let down in the end.

The thing is that I told her up front that i'd love to help her but UNFORTUNATELY it wouldn't be possible considering how busy I am. She caught me off guard when she asked me anyway after I made the comment. I understand how hard it is to find babysitters and that is why I completely arranged my school schedule around my husband's work schedule. I just wish she had put more thought into her own babysitting schedule before she jumped into a job on a whim and is now expecting everyone to drop everything because it is really important she go to work. It's really important that I make sure I have good grades as well and just because I'm home doesn't mean I'm free. I just feel a little upset that she feels just because I'm home that I'm available. When she asked me to "sit" for her on Monday and I said no because I had too much studying to do I thought that would give her a hint then she threw Saturday evening in and again I told her I'd have to let her know furthur in the week. Not to mention I got to school from 8-3 on Saturdays as well. SO I never told her I was willing to help her, I told her quite he opposite but apparently she ignored it.
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Specializes in 5 yrs OR, ASU Pre-Op 2 yr. ER.
The thing is that I told her up front that i'd love to help her but UNFORTUNATELY it wouldn't be possible considering how busy I am. She caught me off guard when she asked me anyway after I made the comment. I understand how hard it is to find babysitters and that is why I completely arranged my school schedule around my husband's work schedule. I just wish she had put more thought into her own babysitting schedule before she jumped into a job on a whim and is now expecting everyone to drop everything because it is really important she go to work. It's really important that I make sure I have good grades as well and just because I'm home doesn't mean I'm free. I just feel a little upset that she feels just because I'm home that I'm available. When she asked me to "sit" for her on Monday and I said no because I had too much studying to do I thought that would give her a hint then she threw Saturday evening in and again I told her I'd have to let her know furthur in the week. Not to mention I got to school from 8-3 on Saturdays as well. SO I never told her I was willing to help her, I told her quite he opposite but apparently she ignored it.

Lack of planned babysitting on her part doesn't make it an emergency for you. :)

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its only natural if all she heard was that u wanted to help and excluded everything else u said, because frankly if the girl needed the help and u offered thats all that matters to her. she found one who's gonna help! see its important u be careful what u say. but its too late now. u have to talk to her and tell her straight forward. if she gets angry, shes gonna get over it soon.

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Lack of planned babysitting on her part doesn't make it an emergency for you. :)

I know you're right and I really don't know why I'm feeling guilty about it or stressing myself about it anyway. I guess because I already said NO, but more politely ofcourse. I just feel that people don't take me seriously or that they take advantage of me and I guess that makes me more mad at myself than anything.

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Soul,

Start practicing "no" now and mean it, or you will be a lamb for the slaughter at the hospital when they try to call you in on your planned days off and you feel too guilty to say no.

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soul,

start practicing "no" now and mean it, or you will be a lamb for the slaughter at the hospital when they try to call you in on your planned days off and you feel too guilty to say no.

when i say no, i feel guilty by manuel smith. it's been out for over 20 years, and is the book on assertiveness training (it's in paperback). assertiveness training is not something ugly or hostile, but simply rather a set of skills that keep you from becoming a doormat to others--especially people like employers and retail stores where you are not receiving satisfaction in your purchase.

a variation of the phrase someone mentioned, i used to put up where i worked (in the computer industry):

"poor planning on your part doesn't constitute an emergency on my part."

i was willing to help my co-workers out when they did plan poorly, however, i used it as a means to fix it so that they wouldn't do that in the future!!! people need to know when they are imposing on you due to their own issues--otherwise the impositions will continue...

nursefirst

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