OB nurses, what do you do in adoption situations?

brigaily2000 · May 8, 2005

I was a single mom for about two years after I separated from my husband....and it was hard. But it's not necessarily true that a child is better off in a "2" parent home. My children were affected by my separation from their dad but my children still had "2" parents that loved them....just in two separate houses. I think that you saying that a child is better off in a two parent home is insulting. Not everyone is able to make a marriage work but that doesn't make them bad parents and that doesn't mean that the children involved are at a disadvantage.

No one is saying that you or anyone else is a bad parent. The fact that the marriage didn't work certainly does NOT mean that you are a bad parent. What I AM saying that IDEALLY children should be raised in a 2 parent home. If this is impossible, certainly the alternative can work as long as there is love and affection from both sides. You said your children were "affected by the separation." Obviously you and your former husband have worked things out to the benefit of your children. My mother was raised in a one parent home and she survived admirably.

To sum up: A 2 parent home is the IDEAL, but that does NOT mean that a one parent home is detrimental or cannot succeed ..... because it can.

LydiaNN · May 8, 2005

I am adopted myself and strongly strongly favor adoption. I used to work in a postpartal unit and it was most difficult for me to witness young, inexperienced single women keeping their babies. People are selfish to the max thinking of themselves only when many should be giving their babies to a loving 2 parent family that loves them.
I have seen single parenting firsthand (in my own family) and it's tough on everyone.
It was hard for me being a nurse and seeing this over and over again. In many instances, when the new mother was making her decision, I spoke very lovingly in favor of adoption. This was/is my opinion and I was entitled to it. If the new mother, however, was bound and determined to keep her baby, I was quiet.
I could write on and on about this, but suffice to say, if people started to think more about THE BABY and less about themselves, adoption would be more popular.

While there are a great many situations where what you say applies, I hope you're not saying that no young, unwed mother is capable of giving her child a good life. Two parent families break up in divorce every day, and lots of time no one saw it coming, so I don't think that's a very reliable criteria to use in judging who is most able to provide stability for a baby. For all we know, that same young mother may get married next year and stay married for the rest of her life. Nor do I think being low income or unskilled automatically will make you a poor mother. These families will need more in the way of support and guidance than many others, but I have seen many families thrive when these are provided. You and your child will have many challenges ahead of you, but I have a real problem with jumping to the conclusion that a young woman is not capable of providing the kind of love and guidance that children need to grow up happily. I do have a huge problem with parents who by experience have proven themselves to be unfit that keep reproducing indiscriminately, but lots of them are neither young nor unmarried.

reprise · May 8, 2005

Ok, Galaxy, calm down. Being an adopted child myself, I favor adoption when the bio mom for whatever reason cannot/willnot care for the child.

Our adoption system here is totally different to that in the US and was changed some years ago to reflect the fact that many of the situations under which young women previously relinquished their children for adoption were temporary. Now, when the reasons for relinquishing a child are temporary in nature (poverty, youth, inexperience) the focus is on providing the mother with sufficient support to enable her to ultimately care for her child herself. In practical terms, this means that it takes about 2 years for an adoption to become final here and that a very small amount of newborns are available for adoption (IIRC, it was less than 20 in the whole state last year).

Although it's still not a perfect system, it's a lot better than the one we had previously in which young women were often coerced into relinquishing their babies on the basis of their situation at the time of the child's birth.

bluesky, BSN, RN · May 8, 2005

(Sorry this is OT, all,but this post was begging a reply)
Be careful how you judge others by your own experiences. I raised my 2 sons alone and yes, it was hard, but very rewarding. I never once saw them as a burden and didn't wish for the day they would be grown, so the work would end. I never felt they would have been better off just by me being married. Indeed, it could have been alot worse. They grew up in a stable and very loving home. We remain close and at 25 & 30 they are sucessful, independent and well adjusted. Any single parent or couple would be proud if their kids turned out as they have.

AMEN! Good for you- and happy mother's day.

I currently have elected to stay with my temperamental husband yet everyday I have to ask myself the question isn't this worse for my son, really?

reprise · May 8, 2005

Sing it sister. We are a very selfish society and most of these folks think of the baby as "their property" more than a separate and distinct human being with needs and rights.

I've met more than my fair share of people wanting to adopt who also fail to see a baby as a separate and distinct human being with needs and rights and who still perceive the adoption system as existing in order to provide them with a child rather than to provide children with loving, stable, homes.

While our laws relating to adoption are pretty brutal from the viewpoint of potential adoptive parents (all adoptions in my state are "open" to some degree, and many potential adoptive parents who make it through the screening processes will become "unqualified" before a child becomes available for them to adopt), if the purpose of adoption is to truly serve the best interests of the child (and not the best interests of the relinquishing or adoptive parents) then I think we must continue to set the bar very high and acknowledge that the most expedient solutions are not always the best ones in the longterm.

sbic56, BSN, RN · May 8, 2005

AMEN! Good for you- and happy mother's day.
I currently have elected to stay with my temperamental husband yet everyday I have to ask myself the question isn't this worse for my son, really?

I always say whatever I choose must be the right thing and that regrets serve no purpose, but to cause misery. So you are doing the right thing for right now, anyway!

And thanks for the mother's day wish. I'm off to see the boys so they can feed me today...Chinese...mmmmm!

Happy Mother's day to you, too!!

jaxobrn · May 9, 2005

Fergus 51 has it right. I never tried to persuade anybody to do anything. If they had already decided on adoption is when I made my feelings known. Not before. I NEVER tried to persuade a woman to give up her baby. Never. A nurse is there to care for the patient not try to bend her will. It's easy to judge who is fit and who is unfit for motherhood, but necessary for the nurse to keep her mouth shut. And that I did.

I would like to say THANK YOU for helping me to realize how fortunate I was to have the nurses I had 10 years ago. I was 17 and had hid my pregnancy from my family. I had made plans to give my child up for adoption because I was so afraid of hurting my parents (not necessarily because it was what I wanted). It was not until after I delivered my son that my parents found out (such a long story!). My parents were very supportive and asked me to reconsider but made it clear that it was my choice.

I was lucky to have a wonderful nurse on night shift whom spoke with me for a long time. She didn't offer her opinion, she just talked to me about making the decision for myself. I ended up taking him home, and am so very fortunate. Today, he is a very well-adjusted, successful child, and I am doing quite well myself as an OB nurse.

Had I had a nurse such as yourself, I would be no where near where I am today. Yes I had planned for an adoption, but my nurse was in tune with her patient and not her own beliefs.

SmilingBluEyes · May 9, 2005

I've met more than my fair share of people wanting to adopt who also fail to see a baby as a separate and distinct human being with needs and rights and who still perceive the adoption system as existing in order to provide them with a child rather than to provide children with loving, stable, homes.
While our laws relating to adoption are pretty brutal from the viewpoint of potential adoptive parents (all adoptions in my state are "open" to some degree, and many potential adoptive parents who make it through the screening processes will become "unqualified" before a child becomes available for them to adopt), if the purpose of adoption is to truly serve the best interests of the child (and not the best interests of the relinquishing or adoptive parents) then I think we must continue to set the bar very high and acknowledge that the most expedient solutions are not always the best ones in the longterm.

I am sorry, but who said anything about making it more "expedient"? I just want it to be more equitable for people out there who desperately want to provide a good, safe and truly loving home for a child, yes---- but most importantly---- for the child, whose life is MOST impacted! Of COURSE you want potential parents to be right for the child. It's just a real shame that by the laws of biology, anyone can reproduce, yet not necessarily be a real, loving and nurturing parent.

Lots of kids suffer and languish sadly in homes of people who did not choose to adopt out--- when they could have had more loving environments. Just because someone can make a baby does not make him or her ready to PARENT. So many others are ready and wanting to parent, yet cannot. It's sad......and....Some of us did not have parents who really wanted us. It's not about money or age at time of conception, but the desire and ability to give a child the best start in life....ah well I digress....

The current laws are in some cases horrendously cumbersome and prohibitive, hurting many potential adoptive families. Now, No one said a "fast track" law should be passed just for convenience, but the current ones need MUCH improvement! I know people horribly hurt by the ones we have now, and it's wrong.

brigaily2000 · May 9, 2005

I would like to say THANK YOU for helping me to realize how fortunate I was to have the nurses I had 10 years ago. I was 17 and had hid my pregnancy from my family. I had made plans to give my child up for adoption because I was so afraid of hurting my parents (not necessarily because it was what I wanted). It was not until after I delivered my son that my parents found out (such a long story!). My parents were very supportive and asked me to reconsider but made it clear that it was my choice.
I was lucky to have a wonderful nurse on night shift whom spoke with me for a long time. She didn't offer her opinion, she just talked to me about making the decision for myself. I ended up taking him home, and am so very fortunate. Today, he is a very well-adjusted, successful child, and I am doing quite well myself as an OB nurse.
Had I had a nurse such as yourself, I would be no where near where I am today. Yes I had planned for an adoption, but my nurse was in tune with her patient and not her own beliefs.

I am sorry you feel that if I had been your nurse, you would not be where you are today. You say your nurse encouraged you to make the decision for yourself. How about making the decision for the baby?

I repeat. I never told a mother to put her baby up for adoption. I just gave her support when she had made the choice.

sbic56, BSN, RN · May 9, 2005

I am sorry you feel that if I had been your nurse, you would not be where you are today. You say your nurse encouraged you to make the decision for yourself. How about making the decision for the baby?
I repeat. I never told a mother to put her baby up for adoption. I just gave her support when she had made the choice.

I know jaxobrn will answer you for herself, but I believe she meant that by making the decision for herself she was making it with the baby's best interest in mind, but without the influence of any personal opinion the nurse may have had. Seems each time you start to clear yourself of showing your bias, you go and muddy things up again!

brigaily2000 · May 9, 2005

I know jaxobrn will answer you for herself, but I believe she meant that by making the decision for herself she was making it with the baby's best interest in mind, but without the influence of any personal opinion the nurse may have had. Seems each time you start to clear yourself of showing your bias, you go and muddy things up again!

I cannot deduce what she meant. I only replied to what was actually written. I do not muddy things up. Yes, of course I have a bias. I am adopted myself and very fortunate. This does not mean that all adoptions work. They don't. I only want what is best for the baby..a single mother, a two parent home WHATEVER. I have seen adoptions that don't work. I have seen single mothers who have raised great kids..my own mother was one. Nothing is written in stone. My grandhchild is being raised by a single mother and doing fine. Bottom Line: what is best for the baby is best.

estrogen · May 9, 2005

Our adoption system here is totally different to that in the US and was changed some years ago to reflect the fact that many of the situations under which young women previously relinquished their children for adoption were temporary. Now, when the reasons for relinquishing a child are temporary in nature (poverty, youth, inexperience) the focus is on providing the mother with sufficient support to enable her to ultimately care for her child herself. In practical terms, this means that it takes about 2 years for an adoption to become final here and that a very small amount of newborns are available for adoption (IIRC, it was less than 20 in the whole state last year).
Although it's still not a perfect system, it's a lot better than the one we had previously in which young women were often coerced into relinquishing their babies on the basis of their situation at the time of the child's birth.

Wow....there's DEFINITELY something to that...