Nursing School Personal Statement Help

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hello,

i am applying to nursing school this year. i would greatly appreciate it if i could get some feedback on my essay/personal statement. below is a draft of my essay. please tell me what i can add or take out to make it better. i want to make sure that my essay is going in the right direction. thank you.

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essay prompt: in the space below (or a separate paper) write an account of (1) your experience and activities since you last attended school if more than six months have elapsed; (2) all the things you have accomplished that have given you the greatest satisfaction; (3) what you most enjoy dong in your leisure time; (4) your reasons for selecting nursing as a career; (5) any special reasons for desiring to enter this school; and (6) your plans and aspirations for the future.

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what i have so far:

the words "miracle worker" and "nurse" should be interchangeable. nurses make miracles happen everyday, by being able to make patients smile through their pain and help them get through what may be one of the worst times in their lives. i have chosen to go into the field of nursing because i love helping people and i get satisfaction from knowing that i am able to help somebody even if it is in a minor way.

nurses have made a huge impact on my life. i grew up surrounded by nurses; my mother is a nurse, and a handful of my aunts and uncles are nurses as well. besides growing up in a family of nurses, i have been impacted by nurses in other ways. one major event that contributed to how nurses have impacted my life was when my uncle steven was terminally ill with cancer, during this time i saw firsthand how nurses use their passion, kindness, and empathy to make a patients last days as painless as possible.

my uncle steven always used to say "your goals are not accomplished by strength, but by determination." i am determined to become a nurse, therefore i will become a nurse. after successfully completing this program, i plan to further my education and i will do so by first obtaining my bachelor's of science in nursing degree. i will not stop there, i will continue my education and advance at every possible opportunity.

since graduating high school in 2007, i have matured and learned how much it means to have a goal, passion, & most of all an education. education is the key to success and the education that i will receive at the school of nursing at ** ** ** ** will provide me with the tools that i need to succeed as a nurse.

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not bad for a first shot. if you graduated from high school (not "graduated high school," although i know that's becoming trendy usage that doesn't make it good english) 5 years ago you should sound more mature and less breathless than the average 18-year-old. :D

personally, i (and many of us real nurses) hate the nurse = miracle worker thing; more mature people need to know that we are all hard-working, well-educated professionals who do a lot more for our patients than just making them smile and using kindness, passion, and empathy.

"impact" is the wrong word*, although it's often misused when people mean "affect" or "effect." (in your case, it would be "affect." the thesaurus is your friend.:twocents:)

you'll want to fix your punctuation (capitalize "uncle," lose the ampersand, use the possessive apostrophe for patient, etc.)

good luck!

* im-pact

   [n. im-pakt; v. im-pakt]

[color=#333333]noun 1. [color=#333333]the [color=#333333]striking of one thing against another; forceful [color=#333333]contact; [color=#333333]collision: [color=#333333]the impact of the colliding cars broke the [color=#333333]windshield.

2. an [color=#333333]impinging: [color=#333333]the impact of light on the eye.

3. [color=#333333]influence; effect: [color=#333333]the [color=#333333]impact of [color=#333333]einstein on [color=#333333]modern [color=#333333]physics.

4. an [color=#333333]impacting; [color=#333333]forcible [color=#333333]impinging: [color=#333333]the [color=#333333]tremendous impact of the shot.

5. the force exerted by a new [color=#333333]idea, [color=#333333]concept, [color=#333333]technology, or ideology: [color=#333333]the impact of the industrial revolution.

verb (used [color=#333333]with object) 6. to drive or [color=#333333]press closely or firmly into [color=#333333]something; [color=#333333]pack in.

7. to fill up; [color=#333333]congest; throng: a vast [color=#333333]crowd impacted st. [color=#333333]peter's square.

8. to collide with; [color=#333333]strike forcefully: a [color=#333333]rocket designed to [color=#333333]impact [color=#333333]the planet mars.

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I would omit the entire 1st paragraph. Not to sound harsh, but it sounds a little cheesy and bit over-the-top. Everyone wants to be a nurse to help people- and from my experience admissions committees don't want to read about that. They want to see what makes YOU different, makes YOU stand out, and why YOU would be an asset to their program and to nursing. I like the rest of the essay, with the personal story and family history of nursing.

Do you have to hit all of the points listed in the essay requirements? If so, you didn't really touch on the first 3. Doing so would add some length to your essay as well. Also, please do edit it for punctuation and grammar. Over all I think it's a pretty good first draft. BTW-I had 2 entirely different versions of my essay and about 6 drafts once I settled on a final version. Keep working on it!

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Specializes in ICU / PCU / Telemetry / Oncology.

"i have chosen to go into the field of nursing because i love helping people and i get satisfaction from knowing that i am able to help somebody even if it is in a minor way."

the bolded phrase is probably the most overused phrase in nursing school admission essays. find another way to say this, a way that will make you stand apart from the other applicants. doing that will make the committee remember you!

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thank you!

not bad for a first shot. if you graduated from high school (not "graduated high school," although i know that's becoming trendy usage that doesn't make it good english) 5 years ago you should sound more mature and less breathless than the average 18-year-old. :D

personally, i (and many of us real nurses) hate the nurse = miracle worker thing; more mature people need to know that we are all hard-working, well-educated professionals who do a lot more for our patients than just making them smile and using kindness, passion, and empathy.

"impact" is the wrong word*, although it's often misused when people mean "affect" or "effect." (in your case, it would be "affect." the thesaurus is your friend.:twocents:)

you'll want to fix your punctuation (capitalize "uncle," lose the ampersand, use the possessive apostrophe for patient, etc.)

good luck!

* im-pact

   [n. im-pakt; v. im-pakt]

[color=#333333]noun 1. [color=#333333]the [color=#333333]striking of one thing against another; forceful [color=#333333]contact; [color=#333333]collision: [color=#333333]the impact of the colliding cars broke the [color=#333333]windshield.

2. an [color=#333333]impinging: [color=#333333]the impact of light on the eye.

3. [color=#333333]influence; effect: [color=#333333]the [color=#333333]impact of [color=#333333]einstein on [color=#333333]modern [color=#333333]physics.

4. an [color=#333333]impacting; [color=#333333]forcible [color=#333333]impinging: [color=#333333]the [color=#333333]tremendous impact of the shot.

5. the force exerted by a new [color=#333333]idea, [color=#333333]concept, [color=#333333]technology, or ideology: [color=#333333]the impact of the industrial revolution.

verb (used [color=#333333]with object) 6. to drive or [color=#333333]press closely or firmly into [color=#333333]something; [color=#333333]pack in.

7. to fill up; [color=#333333]congest; throng: a vast [color=#333333]crowd impacted st. [color=#333333]peter's square.

8. to collide with; [color=#333333]strike forcefully: a [color=#333333]rocket designed to [color=#333333]impact [color=#333333]the planet mars.

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I appreciate all of your responses. They are really helpful.

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Specializes in cardiac-telemetry, hospice, ICU.

I think it is a first rate letter!

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