Funny quotes from patients

Nurses Humor

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We have all taken care of patients whose sense of humor has made our day. I'll start this thread off with a story from my days in the ER. We were admitting a very very confused elderly man for evaluation of chest pain. As I was transferring him from the stretcher to the bed his gown rode up revealing his "goodies". This man who had previously been completely incoherent said," Ooo don't look at me down there." I answered, "Don't worry. You don't have anything that I haven't seen before." He replied, "You haven't seen THIS before! I got a beauty!!" It was the only lucid thing he said all night. I still laugh about it to this day.:chuckle

Specializes in Renal, Haemo and Peritoneal.
I work in surgery. We had a 80 something little lady on our table for a local cystoscopy. I had prepped and draped her then the young good looking urologist sat between her legs which where in stirrups. Then she raised up on her elbows and told him, "You'er the cutest thing I've had between my legs in years." We all about died laughing while he turned beet red and sputtered "thank you." :rotfl:

That's wicked! :)

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Last week I had to take my husband to the doc for a minor procedure. While we were waiting for the attending to come into the room to supervise the resident my husband noticed the clock on the wall was from a drug company. Trying to make short conversation he said, "my gosh they have to have their names on everything dont' they. " The nurse in the room, not me, asked him to explain. When he did she replied..."you should see Dr. Jones' underwear." We both about fell over laughing. And needless to say Dr. Jones was beet red.

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For my last quarter in school, I was at one clinical site where we had a few days in the GI lab. As I was prepping a patient for a colonoscopy I introduced myself and told her I was a student nurse working there that day. She said, "ahh, so they give you the sh*tty job huh?" :rotfl:

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hey adidas99- to your signature "you can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose. " i have to tell you that after i had sinus surgery my ENT Dr. was cleaning my nose with his little suction tool and he was concentrating sooo hard soooo close to my face that i just had to laugh... to which he replied that he likes to say... "you can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but only I can pick your friends nose!"

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A young child asked me if I wanted to know where babies come from... I gave him a puzzled look and asked "Do you know where babies come from?" "Yes, they come from social workers" he said. (the child had been adopted & his parents were considering adopting another child).

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A child was watching the old TV Land programs (you know, the black & white ones)

He called me aside and asked- "When did the world start in color?"

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An elderly gentleman in a nursing home was disgruntled at the line waiting to go into the central bathroom for showers, and he replied-

"It is a darn carwash, that is all it is. We are all on an assembly line waiting to go into a carwash".

Now that would surely be a sight to picture.

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Specializes in Emergency room, med/surg, UR/CSR.

I was assisting our ER doc with a pelvic on a patient (not one of my favorite ER jobs) and the patient decided that she "itched" down there. That wouldn't have been so bad, but then she asked the doc if he would scratch that "itch" while he was down here! :rotfl:

That doc didn't dare look at me or we have both fell over laughing! I still give that doc a bad time about that, even though he is the hospital medical director now. :chuckle

Pam

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As a student nurse I was explaining to a male patient about how I was going to give him a suppository. He was a tall cowboy-like gentleman. His eyes got all big and he said..."I've never had a woman stick her finger up my a$$ before". I was kinda embarrassed. The next thing to come out of my mouth...."Well, there's a 1st time for everything". We both laughed and then he got his suppository!

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I was assisting our ER doc with a pelvic on a patient (not one of my favorite ER jobs) and the patient decided that she "itched" down there. That wouldn't have been so bad, but then she asked the doc if he would scratch that "itch" while he was down here! :rotfl:

That doc didn't dare look at me or we have both fell over laughing! I still give that doc a bad time about that, even though he is the hospital medical director now. :chuckle

Pam

That was great. I probably would not have been able to keep the laughter in. I was assisting a D.O with a pap and I could not believe what he said.......

He said, "you are not a natural blond." My mouth opened in shock.

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Specializes in LTC, CPR instructor, First aid instructor..

I'm extremely sensitive to meds. When I was on the vent in ICU a couple years ago, I guess I gave them a hard time, because I had restraints on both wrists. I was in there 2 weeks.

After I was transferred to acute care, my daughter began telling me some very embarassing stories. The first one was (and I have no idea how I managed to do it) I call her number, and left the following message on her answering machine. "Laurell, you better not put your feet on the floor! A green monster is waiting to grab your tootsies! How do I know? My feet are sticking out."

I was also told the following day I did that, I again called her number. My son-in-law answered, and I sang Polly Wolly Doodle to him." He then hung up the phone, and said to Laurell, "You know what your mom just did? She replied, "Hard to tell." Then he told her I sang Polly Wolly Doodle to him, to which he added, "Ya know, I think they've legalized the use of medical marijhuana in that hospital, and are giving some to your mom."

Incident number 3 occured a few days later. I have a nurse friend who at the time, worked at a local physicians group. She was the triage nurse at the time. I called her at that office, and told her to help me with I don't remember what, and then said, "You have pull."

Incident number 4 I phoned another friend. When she answered, I said, "DEEP!" She asked again, what I was trying to tell her. I said, "DEEP!" After the third time of her telling me to say what I wanted because she was in a hurry, I said, "DEEP!"

After I was discharged, I sent for my medical records. On one page, a femail physician, and a very nice person, quoted, "I stood there for a half hour trying to descipher what she was saying. When I asked her a question, she would answer with a totally off the wall remark. Nothing she said made any sense." I asked my daughter about that, and she told me when I was asked a question, I would reply with an answer to a question that was asked far earlier. 359.gif

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I'm extremely sensitive to meds. When I was on the vent in ICU a couple years ago, I guess I gave them a hard time, because I had restraints on both wrists. I was in there 2 weeks.

After I was transferred to acute care, my daughter began telling me some very embarassing stories. The first on was (and I have no idea how I managed to do it) I call her number, and left the following message on her answering machine. "Laurell, you better not put your feet on the floor! A green monster is waiting to grab your tootsies! How do I know? My feet are sticking out."

I was also told the following day I did that, I again called her number. My son-in-law answered, and I sang Polly Wolly Doodle to him." He then hung up the phone, and said to Laurell, "You know what your mom just did? She replied, "Hard to tell." Then he told her I sang Polly Wolly Doodle to him, to which he added, "Ya know, I think they've legalized the use of medical marijhuana in that hospital, and are giving some to your mom."

omg, that is toooooo funny! I sat here laughing so hard over that :rotfl:

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