We will no longer accept a doctor's sick note as a proof of sickness. If you are able to get to the doctor, you are able to come into work.
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need your organs. You should not consider having anything removed. We hire you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
Each employee will receive 104 holidays. These will be calleed Saturday and Sunday.
Too much core time is being spent in toilets. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance: All employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20; Employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you are unable to go at your alloted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may be able to swap their time with a co-worker. Both workers supervisors must approve this in writing.
In addition, there is now a short 3-minute time limit in the toilets. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper will retract, and the door will open.
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing fancy trainers or designer clothing we will obviously assume that you do not need a pay raise.
Skinny people get an hour for lunch, as they need to eat more so they can look healthy. Normal size people get 30 minutes to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes, because that's all the time it needs to drink a Slimfast and take an appetite suppressing pill.
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead relatives. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where the skinny employees involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled for late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequeeeently leave one hour early, provided your day's tasks are completed. EXCEPTIONS: Medium and fat employees do not qualify. There's not enough time to complete your day's tasks.
ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH
This will be accepted as a reasonable excuse. However, we require at least 2 weeks notice, as you are expected to train your replacement.
Thank you for your loyalty to the organization. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore all questions, comments, concerns,complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegation, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a positive day.