Daily humour offering

  1. A Day in A&E

    Oh Lord ! What a day! and Boy! am I beat
    I am just about and almost dead on my feet
    The patients just kept a'comin' in through the door
    you'd think we been out selling tickets I'm sure

    AT 8 o'clock it wasn't too bad
    there was a depression but he wasn't so sad
    Then at 8.10 they started to come in
    Two coughs, one cold and one itchy skin

    And then a man with a bite on his arm
    And then a drug addict tried out his scant charm
    And then the old lady with a hip that real sore
    And another young addict on too high a score

    And then poor little Nellie our new RMO
    Told the young biker she wanted a blow
    She meant on the flowmeter to measure his puff
    but it's still not the thing to tell a young tough

    And then there were cuts and grazes galore
    and sutures to put in by the score
    One sprained ankle and two surgical scrubs
    and three old derelicts in need of wash tubs

    One chap whose eye was all red
    and another with a large cut to his head
    And the young kid with the leg in a cast
    and the old drunk with trousers half -mast

    A poor young student took a girl to the loo
    and then screamed in panic -the head was on view
    Amnion was everywhere Lord what a sight!
    but the baby was born and then things were all right

    Finally it's over and I must look a sight
    my uniform;s all mucky, my hair's a real fright
    and my kids are whinging they want to be fed
    and all I want is to do is crawl into bed!
  2. Visit gwenith profile page

    About gwenith

    Joined: Jul '02; Posts: 10,261; Likes: 233
    icu nurse


  3. by   Liddle Noodnik
    Come join the medical team in the Emergency Rooms. Actual emergency room visits

    INNER SKELETON----- A 63 year old widow was admitted to the hospital in Recife, Brazil, suffering abdominal pains. X-rays showed that she was carrying a 20 inch long skeleton of a fetus which she conceived a decade earlier. It had become lodged outside the womb and was never expelled from her body.

    FEMALE SOFA----- A 500lb. woman from Illinois was examined in a hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts and a remote control was found lodged between the folds of her vulva.

    PRICKLY PAIR-----OUCH! In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had "... a rat in her privates..." and it bit him during sex. After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.

    PING PONG ANYONE?----- A 20 year old man came into the ER with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, then his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel. The concrete then hardened, causing constipation and pain. Under general anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed along with a ping pong ball. (Boy we live sheltered lives -
    thank goodness)

    BLIND DRUNK----- A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea.

    OUCH AND DOUBLE OUCH!----- A couple hobbled into a Washington State emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his hands around his abdomen and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man. While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a Fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.

    And you all thought your day was going bad!!
  4. by   jevans
    thank you both

    that was the first real chuckle of the day

    :chuckle :chuckle :chuckle
  5. by   SRNJIM
    Hi Guys,

    Well, you guys who contribute regulary to this site are so funny and original that I feel a bit out-classed when I make a submission. Also as a student nurse, I have't as many experiences to tell.

    Buuuuuuuuuut,,, while this may not be as funny as some of your stuff, this is a true story that happened to me my first quarter in Nursing School. Of course, I am sure nothing ever hapened like this to you guys.

    Two other students (female) and I had just transferred a large male patient to the bedside commode. We gave him privacy for his BM. When he had finished, we stood him and began to clean him.

    Just then, my loose-fitting glasses slipped from my head and fell in to the bedside commode. Of course the other students were about to wet themselves wanting to laugh aloud.

    What was I to do? My glasses were already nearly covered and if I continued to clean our patient, they would then be buried even more in stool covered tissue. So, the only choice was to finish cleaning our pt. and then wheel the commode to the bath where I reached down in to the mess, gloved hand of course, retrieved my glasses, (gagging behind the closed door), and washed them well enough to put them in my pocket. I waited until I could leave my glasses in a bleach solution for several hours before I wore them again.

    Fortunately, I didn't have to chart it.


    Jim C
  6. by   gwenith
    I thought those things only happened to me!!! Fortunately for me the pan was empty when my glasses hit the pan. The patient said it was the only time she was grateful for constipation. I don't know who laughed harder her or me!!!
  7. by   Liddle Noodnik
    Originally posted by SRNJIM


    Fortunately, I didn't have to chart it.


    Jim C
    hee hee!
  8. by   Liddle Noodnik
    Subject: Idiots of 2002

    Number One,
    I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
    poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she
    caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the
    ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into
    the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to
    mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill
    the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency
    room right away.

    Number Two, Idiots of 2002
    Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a
    life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of
    the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river,
    they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out
    that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that
    activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

    Number Three, Idiots of 2002
    A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of
    America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your
    muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the
    teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might
    call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank
    of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After! waiting a few
    minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller.

    She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the
    brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his
    stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and
    that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back
    to Bank of America.

    Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a
    few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America. >

    Number four, Idiots of 2002
    A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured
    his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the
    mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent
    the police! department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received
    a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of
    handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.

    Number Five, Idiots of 2002
    A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of
    the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the
    robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the
    shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier
    refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21."

    The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him
    because he didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's
    license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over
    agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag.
    The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly
    called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got
    off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

    Number Six, Idiots of 2002
    A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
    The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled
    first bandit shot him.

    Number Seven, Idiots of 2002
    Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd
    just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze,
    and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the
    window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the
    head, knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of
    Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape. Oh, that smarts.

    Number Eight, Idiots of 2002
    Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
    Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 A. M., flashed a gun and
    demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open
    the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings,
    the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated,
    walked away.

    Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote.
  9. by   karenG
    where do you find these!????


  10. by   Liddle Noodnik
    Originally posted by karenG
    where do you find these!????


    with whom are you speaking my dear??

    I got mine thru my email from friends.

    It is amazing some of the gems I get amidst the rubble!
  11. by   gwenith
    Some I have recieved in Email some I have written I tell people it is a hobby but I don't always own up to which ones are mine because in the words of Robert Heilien "A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits."
  12. by   SRNJIM
    Hi Guys,

    This is not funny; it is pathetic ignorence, I guess it can go along with the Idiots examples given by zoeboboey.

    This past Friday in clinicals, we had a 18 mo peds patient in a bed tent. Her mother gave her her cigarette lighter to play with!!!!! One of my corhorts caught it!! Adding stupidity to stupidity, the mother was miffed because we took the lighter from her baby!!! Can you believe it??????

    As a student nurse, this kind of stupdity is something I thought I would only read about. Duh! I guess welcome to the real world.

    Happy Mothers day to all you gals who are mothers!! Feliz Dia de las Madres a todos usted chicas que son madres!!!



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