Hello, you have reached the Sheriff's Department Voice Mail.
Pay close attention as we have to update the choices often as new and unusual circumstances arise.
Please select one of the following options:
To whine about us not doing anything to solve a problem you created for yourself, press 1.
To postulate whether someone has to die before we'll do something about a problem, press 2.
To report an officer for bad manners when in reality the officer is trying to keep your neighborhood safe, press 3.
If you would like us to raise your children, press 4.
If you would like us to take control of your life due to your alcohol or chemical dependency, press 5.
If you would like us to instantly restore order to a situation that took years to deteriorate, press 6.
To provide a list of police officers you personally know so we will not take enforcement action against you, press 7.
To sue us, tell us you'll have our badge and pay our salary, or proclaim our career is over, press 8.
To whine about a ticket and/or complain about the many other uses for police rather than keeping your dumb azz from killing someone, press 9.
Please note, your call may be monitored to assure proper customer support and remember, we're here to save your azz not kiss it.
Thanks for calling your local sheriff's department and have a nice day.