Medicalese is a language that flows as easily as our mother tongue after a few years in the business, but as I was lying in bed last night, wide awake long after sending a resident in flash pulmonary edema to the hospital, I got to thinking about the expressions we use in health care that must sound absolutely ridiculous to anyone who doesn't know the lingo.
Imagine, if you will, being an innocent bystander on a Med/Surg unit and hearing the following report on a new admit from an ER nurse: "Hey, I threw in a 20-gauge for ya and dropped an NG while Dr. McDreamy was writing orders. She's already put out 500 mils of dark brownish material, but at least she's stopped horking. Sats are 94% on 2 liters. You're gonna wanna watch her pressure, and she's pretty tachy......."
Get the picture?
How about some of these absurdities:
ICU nurse: "Look out, he's dropped his pressure!" Dropped it and broke it in a million pieces, no less! And we make it sound like it's all the patient's fault, too: "He dropped his pressure". Bad patient! bad! bad! (sound of wrist being slapped)
Report from charge nurse on new mom who hasn't voided since delivery nine hours ago: "I threw a catheter in and got 1200out right away......" If I didn't know better, I'd think throwing a rubber tube into an orifice that was designed to be an exit, not an entry, would be a mite painful for the victim....er, patient.
Call to the floor nurse from CCU: "You better check your tele patient in 215, he's tachy........" Excuse me? He may not have a lot of couth, but that's no reason to insult him.
Using the term "for me" in report, as in "Bill didn't poop for me today, but Ed had a nice extra-large BM for me after lunch." Like Ed evacuated his bowels especially to please the nurse. Bill, on the other hand, is a naughty boy who evidently refuses to perform on cue like a circus animal. MOM, coming right up!
LTC nurse to resident: "Bob, your dinner's coming, here's your clothing protector." Bob: "It's a bib." Nurse: "Well, we call it a clothing protector because it's a dignity issue." Bob: "Well, I call it a bib, cuz it keeps MY dignity offa my shirt!!"
Nurse, starting IV: "Okay, here we go, you're going to feel a little poke......." which, translated, means "I'm gonna drive a nail up your arm." Well, that's how it REALLY feels, so why do we lie to patients like this?
PACU nurse to M/S nurse on post-op TKR: "He hasn't started making urine yet." My mind's eye runs wild with this one as I envision the patient standing at a kitchen counter, emptying a packet of yellow powder into a pitcher and stirring.........
Nurse to family member: "Mr. Smith crashed and had to be put on life support." Again with the mental pictures, this one involving a fall from considerable height and the patient as a cartoon figure all crumpled up like an accordion.
Personally, I find the euphemisms we use for the expulsion of various bodily substances to be some of the silliest terms of all. Witness:
"Have you been able to pass any flatus today?" Pass what??? 'Flatus' sounds like something you do to a balloon.
Come to think of it, though, when you CAN'T pass flatus, it's like being full of hot air.........which indeed you are.
"Have you voided yet?" Voided what?? The check that I wrote to this hospital for the privilege of being poked and prodded and given drugs that made me forget who I was BEFORE they took out my gallbladder?
"Here's an emesis basin for you in case you feel nauseated." Gosh, I didn't feel that way before you handed me this pink, kidney-shaped plastic thingie, but now that you mention it....dang, it sure doesn't hold much, does it?
And the ever-popular "bleeding out." Well, where else is the bleeding supposed to go? Back IN?
I rest my case.
