Sponsor relapsed - page 3
I have been in the program 7 months. I came out of rehab with not many options sponsor wise. In my area there sadly is not enough clean time in the NA rooms. I went with the best option and this lady... Read More
Dec 1, '12Catmom,
Keep your head high. Keep fighting the good fight. I'm sorry you had a bad time with your BON. I count myself BLESSED everyday I sign RN after my name. It is a reminder I was one of the few lucky ones who walked away after a diversion, charges, and being reported to the BON with no disciplinary action on my license.
I self reported, confessed to the diversion, went to rehab. I self reported directly to PNAP. The BON investigated, a man came to my house and asked a bunch of questions, and just a few months ago I got the official court order from the BON ordering my case hear by CLOSED. No action, probation, nothing is on my license because I already reported and was in the monitoring program.
The charges that were brought against me was a misdemeanor. One theft, one possesion. I was offered ARD since this is my first offense. In January the charges will be dropped and my record expunged.
I will continue in the PHMP for another 2.5 years. If at any time I do not abide by my legally binding contract with the PHMP my license will be automatically suspended and I will have to go in front of the BON.
I was shown nothing but respect, and compassion by the legal authorities investigating and charging me, by my boss who had to fire me, by PNAP, the BON investigator, the Judge and court authorities and then by the DON who interviewed me for my first job as a nurse in recovery and hired me on the spot as a charge nurse. I wasn't a bad person. I did an illegal thing by taking wasted narcotics from work. (I never took from a patient) I was open and honest from the beginning. I went to rehab and started doing the right thing from the start.
I will never forget how fortunate I was. This time. This is the only time I will be so lucky. I have the upmost respect for all who were involved with this process. And like I said, I am constantly reminded how BLESSED I was and do not take my job, license, sobriety, health or anything else for granted. I was given a gift of a second chance. It is my responsibilty to keep on the right path and stay clean and sober for me but also for everyone who believed in me.
Dec 1, '12Yeah, I used to use that wrist in a bad way, and I'm trying to redeem them. It's funny. It's been years since my peak addiction raged, but my scars from two tracks show- one under my watch, and one "dot" under my right wrist. They always went away during my using years- but I think it was planned.
If I get a wild hair, I look down at that and remember why I am sober, why I should stay sober, and the pain-shame-disgust-depression-self loathing-self pity-anxiety-fear-terror-flu-sickness-risk that the disease tortures with when I feel "froggy."
P.S. Ms. Catmom, As an eternal optimist, sometimes my "sunshine and unicorns writing" doesn't show the reality of what I experienced. There was a great deal of terror involved, but I was blessed to have a RNP in my State. It saved me from facing my Board except the "Investigation Phase," where I was promised nothing, and feared prison. I too spent thousands on Law fees, recovery(still paying Hundreds), and the loss of all my toys, Lol. But, that shame is not yours, we suffer a nasty disease- and could have just as easy been ALS. Self forgiveness was my hardest wall to climb!
I love the people, I HATE THE DISEASE!!! Now my wrists have meaning
I hope everyone is having a good dayLast edit by BostonTerrierLoverRN on Dec 1, '12
Dec 1, '12Catmom, Congratulations on 8 years! That's an amazing accomplishment & shows a great deal of hard work & determination. Keep it up.
Boston, I love reading what you write. There are people who just seem to have a knack of knowing the right thing to say at the right time & you are one of them. Thanks for all your words of encouragement to everyone.
I'm baking cookies to take to our regular Saturday meeting tonight so I'd better go check on them.
Dec 1, '12Find your acceptable pay dirt! It may even be strange to you at first, but we have to retrain our brains to experience joy, release, and pleasure safely. Open your mind up.
The Anhedonia can last up to 4 years or 48 months. The pleasure may be just a moment at first- but work at it. Try to draw something, aromatherapy, scrapbooking, journaling, writing, reading, go to a music store and explore something new, try a new food, swim, or even exercise can be rewarding.
My new pay dirts are pretty lame, but if I miss out, I feel it. I love walking this old road, and sitting by a stream trying to catch a jumping Catfish on film. I love fishing- always have, but neglected the art several years. The main thing is teaching your brain to "enjoy" again. It does work, it does get better, and it will get easier.
It seems foreign to take such care of ourselves, but if we don't, we're going to end up neglecting other things. People who have never walked in our shoes cannot understand the Anhedonia- and it can be the slide to relapse if not addressed.
Remember- we relapse long before we even handle the drug, so it's important to acknowledge when you feel crappy, and accept that it's okay, and you have permission to have a crappy day. I hope your having a good one today though