Life after monitoring - page 4
Hi everybody: I don't know about the rest of you but I'm having a hard time envisioning rebuilding my life after this monitoring program. It has set me back financially, educationally,... Read More
Dec 4, '17Joined: Dec '17; Posts: 14; Likes: 33Reading all of the posts in this particular thread has been so incredibly helpful. Thank you all for sharing and being so candid...I have been struggling for the last 9 months to find others to identify with. Last few weeks I have been thinking I should just accept that my nursing career is over. You all have proved to me that is not the case. I am an excellent nurse, I advocate and go above and beyond for my patients....I realize now that this was to a fault because I lost my sense of self somewhere about 5 yrs in and began to self medicate because I could not cope with sleep deprivation on nights, post partum depression, and my mom receiving a life threatening dx....i had nothing left to take care of me. That's what I have learned so far. And if anything is positive about this program for me... it's that I cannot practice as a nurse for a year (this ends in may 2018)...forcing me to focus on me. I miss it so much though and I am not looking forward to the rejection as I job search/interview. I have a this list of characteristics of "a nurse addict" I read somewhere. Maybe some of you have seen it. We are excellent nurses, most of graduated top of our class, the best PT advocates, we are empathetic and intuitive. That's just what I can remember. If I find it...i will post...reading it always gave me a little confidence boost when things were really bad earlier this year.
Dec 4, '17Occupation: CRNA Specialty: 45 year(s) of experience ; From: MI, US ; Joined: Nov '03; Posts: 1,685; Likes: 2,210Lisa 42, I don't known what your circumstances are and it us unusual to hear that you cannot work for a year. But I also know that some people can't give themselves permission to retire for a year to heal from the most serious forms of addiction. But it sounds like you are doing your research and have realistic insight. You will be a great nurse when you return to nursing.
Dec 4, '17Joined: Dec '17; Posts: 14; Likes: 33Thank you. I worked on a busy surgical trauma unit for most of my career. I thought changing jobs would solve the problems I was having. I became a cross campus float for 9 different units including ICU, SICU, ED, and even psych! I absolutely loved it...the chaos and having to adapt quickly. Unfortunately, after some time, my active addiction resurfaced...particularly in my position, I was like a kid in a candy store in terms of access to narcotics. This time it progressed quickly and I was confronted and given the opportunity to resign to avoid termination. I self reported to the BORN a year ago and signed my contract in monitoring in May. In my state, the standard is one year of inactive licence and then another 3 months with narc restriction. It took until last month for my last employer to lodge a formal complaint. The complaint is dismissed because I entered monitoring. When 5 yrs is up, I will have no restrictions. Until then I will be active but it will say "non-disciplinary restrictions" on my licence online. I did not have to go to inpatient rehab or IOP because I found an addiction specialist MD as a PCP and was able to wean of benzos under his intensive supervision. My opioid use was sporadic...so I did not experience intense w/d, I managed that on my own and started going to NA and the peer group meetings months before my intake assessment into monitoring. For me, the hardest part came after I had clean time. I was thinking more clearly so looking back at what I did sent me into deep depression...shame, guilt....ect...i am slowly climbing out of that ditch. This site has really been helping...its giving me the identification that I am struggling to find in my meetings as I haven't really connected with other nurses in my program. Thank you for your support!!
Dec 4, '17Joined: Sep '14; Posts: 61; Likes: 161Quote from SpankedInPittsburghHi everybody:
I don't know about the rest of you but I'm having a hard time envisioning rebuilding my life after this monitoring program. It has set me back financially, educationally, emotionally and has damaged my career. I'm 55 so maybe part of this is a sense of fatalism that comes with age but this program has really damaged me. I'm withdrawn, paranoid and not optimistic about the future. I'm taking all the necessary steps to put my life in order. For example, I'm registered for my last semester of my CRNP studies after having to take a year off. What are your plans? Has this experience changed you? For the better or worse?
I wish you all a happy day!!!
Although I read a few of the replies, I'm going to reply just focusing on your question. Yes, this 4.5 year program changed me. For the BETTER! I had a major problem. BIG problem. Saved my life. Just took a 8 years last week, no etoh, no other mind-altering substances, still heavily connected with men in recovery. it's helped theres a doc who is as driven as I am not wanting to screw up again. More than halfway done with my MSN. Lot happened during the "mandatory program". Marriage, moving in together, getting a job while in program, parent death, a BSN degree,...I tell you there were days I wanted to quit the mandatory program.
It's done. It's over since Nov 2012. Was scared to death 3 weeks before program ended because was considering thinking I could do self control drinking again. Every time I drank, I pop up with other stuff in my tox screen. So, here's my manta: "I got nothing to lose if I continue hanging around the rooms of recovery. I got everything to lose, if my dummy brain tells me I can go back the way it was and NOT get in trouble". Lies the gray matter keeps telling me.
Professionally, I have climbed up the clinical ladder pretty high, not gonna lie. I am told I'm being groomed for a succession plan. I stay quiet and just take it in. I pray for my fellow nurses still struggling through this, especially in the beginning. I was there. So mad, I think I was capable of doing something regrettable.
Prayers and Happy Holidays.
Yay for Star Wars 12/15/2017!!!
Dec 4, '17Joined: Dec '17; Posts: 6; Likes: 9I am 54 and finally going thorough the reinstatement..praise God! I was suspended in 2010 but because of a dysfunctional marriage that ended in divorce and two parents dying ( I cared for both). My contract is for one year and I will bo before the bon in september.
I am looking for someone who can understand some of what im going through. I didnt divert....took my own medicine that was expired.
Jan 2Joined: Aug '17; Posts: 4; Likes: 3Hello! I am glad to have come across your post(s)..I am unfortunately at the start of this journey...(about 7 months in). I have all of the emotions you speak of and the uncertainty of even job security right now. I did post how I came by being in this monitoring. I am still struggling with "accepting" it but trying my best so I am not consumed by the anger I feel right now. I have applied to complete my NP, but then think why bother? I feel so labeled, handicapped. Like I cant pay enough for the past mistakes, as I am doing it all over..just professionally.Last edit by RNPA11 on Jan 2
Jan 2Occupation: CRNA Specialty: 45 year(s) of experience ; From: MI, US ; Joined: Nov '03; Posts: 1,685; Likes: 2,210Quote from RNPA11I can't make much of this confusing post, but 7 months us still early in. You need more time to heal. However, be careful before forking money over to NP school. You might not be able to get into clinical while in a program.Hello! I am glad to have come across your post(s)..I am unfortunately at the start of this journey...(about 7 months in). I have all of the emotions you speak of and the uncertainity of even job security right now. I did post how I came by being in this monitoring. I am still struggling with "accepting" it but tryong my best so I am not consumed byt the anger I feel right now. I have applied to complete my NP, but then think why bother? I feel so lableed, handicapped. Like I cant pay enough for the past mistakes, as I am doing it all over..just professionally.