Nurses: Have you ever had to show compassion to someone who didn't want it?

Meriwhen, ASN, BSN, MSN, RN · Aug 15, 2012

Happens sometimes...I don't let it throw me. If they persist, I tell them that they don't have to like me and I'm fine with that, but while they're still my patient, I care about how they feel and will still give them the best care I can. Of course, said delivery of compassion and concern will be tweaked, but the quality of care will never decrease.

allnurses Guide · Aug 15, 2012

To me, compassion is something I feel (or not), that may or may not include actions I take because of it. I think kindness is a good action word, going a little out of my way for that person if time permits.

I only have one case in my mind that stands out. A young gay man way back when who was our first documented case of HIV in the early eighties. He was known to us due to some other issue. He always came in with his mother, an overbearing woman who read her book and never spoke or made eye contact with her son while there, and you could cut his misery with a knife. It was just awful.

Every time I tried to reach out, he quickly shut that down and gave me the brush-off. It's his right to do that if he chooses to. It's just so hard when you know for certain dealing with their anxieties more openly would commence a more healing path. Bottom line. It's their life. From that point I certainly felt compassion, but maintained the distance he clearly broadcast he desired.

nursingstudent2458 · Aug 16, 2012

Well, whenever I work sometimes my compassion is received with rudeness. However, I just remember that the patient may be in pain(for example, sickle cell patients tend to be in a lot of pain) or maybe they're in a bad mood. After all, they are in the hospital hurting emotionally or physically. Some patients don't want to be bothered. It's ok because they have the right to refuse medication, service, and my compassion.
Also, delivery is important. You don't want to come off as insensitive or fake in your compassion. Sometimes, you just can't help what you do. I was told by a patient that I talked to him like a child because my voice was soft.

Ah, I see. Well I guess that is good they can reject them if they do not want it. For some reason, I thought nurses somehow had to be persuasive if a patient really needed something that would benefit him/her. Wow, I still have a lot to learn about nursing!

nursingstudent2458 · Aug 16, 2012

I guess something else to be said about the 'delivery' of compassion... Sometimes if you seem like you are trying 'too hard' to help someone who doesn't want it, it can make them very uncomfortable. Queue labels like "creepy" or "pushy" or such, no matter how well-intentioned you may be.

That makes sense... I guess I would hate that too if someone were to act like that around me.

nursingstudent2458 · Aug 16, 2012

If another person is going through something that calls for compassion--but they "reject" the compassion--it's most likely the delivery of it that is being rejected.
An example: A friend of mine (let's call her Kathy) was recently diagnosed with breast cancer, and I'm fortunate to be in her inner circle. We (her inner circle) know her well and she's been very direct with us when she was first diagnosed. We now know it's important for us as a group to have as much normalcy as possible and to let her do the talking if she wants to. Many, many times, she chooses not to talk about her cancer for multiple get-togethers in a row. That's just her. That's what she wants, and we show compassion for her by NOT talking about it until she opens the way to the conversation.
Kathy told us a story recently about an acquaintance of hers who was very, very insistent about getting her to talk to a complete stranger (a friend of the acquaintance) who also has breast cancer. "Can I give her your number?" the acquaintance asked. No, Kathy said, and she gently explained that she gets comfort from her friends who knew her prior to the diagnosis, and she would be very uncomfortable with starting off a relationship with someone just because they both had cancer. A couple weeks later, the acquaintance asked again, and Kathy again said no. The acquaintance ended up putting the phone number of her friend in her mailbox, then asked about a week later if Kathy had called the other woman. No.
While it may seem like Kathy was "rejecting compassion," I would argue that the acquaintance was lacking compassion by insisting on a type of coping mechanism which Kathy clearly did not want to use. It might be a good way of dealing with cancer for many people, but it just isn't the way Kathy is dealing with it. And that's ok! Unfortunately, the acquaintance just didn't get it.

I really liked your example. I guess compassion can come in different ways. Thanks for sharing.

OCNRN63, RN · Aug 16, 2012

Sorry for the confusion everyone. I guess it's basically how dudette10 put it: "If another person is going through something that calls for compassion--but they "reject" the compassion--it's most likely the delivery of it that is being rejected." I was just curious to know if anyone had to deal with this kind of thing as a nurse. For example, say you were giving a patient something that would really help him/her, but that patient rejects the kindness and refuses.
And no, it is not a homework question...

Then you step back. It's not about you.

Maevish, ASN, RN · Aug 22, 2012

I took it to mean "trying to/having to be nice to ungrateful patients" so yeah, that'd be about every other shift. That's personally a very hard one for me, but I get a lot of practice because that's just how a lot of people are. I have to coach myself through it and remind myself that it's me that gets to go home and do what I want after my shift and they can't and what would that feel like. It doesn't always work and sometimes I just play games with myself to get through it, but it's part of the job. It's always kind of shocking to get a "thank you" or something, but it just makes those times that much more precious.

decembergrad2011, BSN, RN · Aug 28, 2012

I try not to bond with patients in general. It helps out a lot in not taking it personally when a patient just doesn't connect with you.

Notice I said "try". :)