New RN worried about confrontations

tishluvnc · Oct 5, 2011

I'm not a nurse, but Im looking that way. I have been a cna for a long time and I understand how you feel. I'm a over pleaser too, and many times your right people just try to do anything to you. I have recently been placed in an internship for my BA in sociology and the manager of the mental health facility likes to hold an attitude.

Being the type of peson I am I take it it heart because I do the best I could. Unfortunatly, it's not always righ for the other person. That has to be difficult as a nurse being that you have other people depending on you. The only thing I could say is it don't look like people with our attitude are going to be pampered so we have to toughen up. I think it comes with age, experience, and confidence.

JulieCVICURN, BSN, RN · Oct 5, 2011

In most institutions there's a behavioral reporting structure for situations like a doctor treating you the way you describe, so if you're not comfortable confronting them, use the hotline/reporting.

As far as other nurses go, you just have to have a backbone. There's no other way about it. Sure, you could report the meanie nurse to your supervisor, but that's not going to change the situation and it might even turn others against you. Politely but firmly stand up for yourself, and depending on the situation make it clear that you are a professional and you treat people with respect and expect the same in return. You should also do this with the doctors, but I can understand how when you're new it's a little intimidating. Just remember - the doctors are NOT your boss in terms of your employment, and you won't get fired for politely sticking up for yourself with them if you need to.

Zookeeper3 · Oct 5, 2011

There is a time to act and a time to REACT. NEVER react to an antagonistic person. I speak softer, quieter and wait for them to finish blowing... then the long pregnant pause... Then in a respectful and concise manner I speak my peace. Many times I've asked "are you done"... and just wait for it to finish. You are not the irrational person, you are in control of yourself at all times.

Peer to peer, hold your hand up if needed to call it to a halt and bring a disagreement to a more appropriate place. Demand it or walk away. If you are forced to walk away, bring a third party to help resolve it before the shift is through.

I am the expert at the "dumb act" when some one is confrontational, I say "excuse me?" "I'm sorry, but I can't hear your message with that tone of voice, come get me when you're in control" (walk away). "I don't like your tone, It gets my back up, try again or come back later and we can talk".

Finally, "you are out of line, I'll give you an hour to think about what you've said before we have a formal meeting, it you want to discuss this rationally, the clock is ticking and I have no tolerance for your words". walk away.

There are many more ways to stand your ground, practice a few of them and have them second nature so you're not caught surprised, and they will just flow out of your mouth. Lateral violence is never acceptable, and only YOU can prevent it from happening.

I always nice the person to death making them the orifice, but that is an aquired skill.

Ruby Vee, BSN · Oct 5, 2011

just received my job offer and i am doing my research before i get started. one thing i realized is that i've never had any arguments with anyone as an rn or as a sn. i am the type of person who is overly respectful and i know this can taken as a weakness when you are new. i'm sure i will be yelled at one time or another so how do i handle it? i don't want to be stepped on and taking advantage of from the get go as i've read about on the boards. on the other hand i do not want to handle the situation incorrectly.
lets say a dr. tells me i'm an idiot or slams the phone on me numerous times. another nurse who raises her voice to me? it seems like this is a treatment that is accepted among nurses which i think is wrong.
what are your ways of dealing with these situations tips? boundaries?
thank you
side note: i love this board i have been reading in the background for years :-)

why go looking for problems -- you'll probably find them. if you go into it expecting everyone to treat you well, it's likely that they will.

it's been years since i've had a doctor yell at me. if they do, i have to consider the context. if it's someone who is usually pleasant but who has been up all night with a patient who is trying to die, who just lost a patient or has a newborn at home, i cut them some slack. if they're someone who is habitually nasty, i try to defuse the situation with humor or by getting to know a bit about them as a person. it usually works. i was the only nurse in our ccu who could get along with a pulmonologist notorious for yelling and throwing things (this was in the 1980s). my secret? i talked scuba diving with him.

i found out about the humor thing by accident . . . a notoriously nasty nephrologist was sniping at me one morning, and before i could stop myself i said, dripping in sarcasm, "i'm sure dr. smith ordered this consult just to ruin both our days." his jaw dropped and he stared at me for a moment or two -- during which i didn't back down because i was too scared to move or speak -- and then he started to laugh. he was friendly to me from that day onward, and it gradually spread to include most of my staff.

as far as a nurse who raises her voice to you -- again, consider the context. is she usually ok to you, but is trying to stop you from doing something really stupid that might kill your patient? cut her some slack. is she nursing a newborn, 9 1/2 months into a pregnancy, suffering from physical pain of some kind or trying to follow eight orders from six physicians at the same time? cut her some slack.

everyone has the potential to get stressed and raise their voices; usually it isn't a habit and only rarely are they actually deliberately being nasty to you. don't go looking for it and it's likely you'll not find it.

Good Morning, Gil · Oct 5, 2011

I am the same way, OP. However, being respectful is not a bad thing; think of it as you're modeling good behavior lol. But, being a door mat is another thing altogether. I used to be that way and still regress from time to time lol, but eventually you get to a point where being assertive is much more liberating and refreshing. Noticed I said assertive, not aggressive. You can still be your polite and friendly self and be assertive. It just takes time and practice. For instance, if a fellow RN asks you to do something you are not comfortable with or you see something that you know is not right, you have an obligation to speak up no matter how uncomfortable or unpopular it makes you. And, you can pretty much just always follow RubyVee's advice; once she responds, there's pretty much no point in the rest of us responding lol.

~Mi Vida Loca~RN, ASN, RN · Oct 5, 2011

It would probably be good to read up on lateral violence and how to better cope with it. You can't let people walk all over you and you have to learn to stand up for yourself in a respectful way or it will continue. At the same time your approach will be huge on the outcome.

I am 3 months into my job and I have 1 co-worker I have had a problem with that I have had to speak to. Very manipulative person. I also had one Doc that was getting rude over something SHE did not understand and had wrong and again I stood my ground and tried to be tactful about it and she later apologized.

Always a time and a place and tone.

RNperdiem, RN · Oct 5, 2011

I have been in this business for 16 years and I have never been yelled at.

The horror stories you read about yelling and other doctor misbehavior are the exceptions and not the rule. The doctors who were trained in an era when outrageous misbehavior was tolerated are almost all retired.

What you will likely encounter is people being a little short or snappish if you ask them for something when they are stressed.

That is easier to handle.

loveslife · Oct 5, 2011

remember that wherever you work there will ALWAYS be difficult people. The best way to handle the situation is to be assertive. Assertive not aggressive. Assertive means useing "I" statements. For example, a Dr. tells you that you are an idiot because you took too long to pull up a lab result or called him in the middle of the night ect. Instead of saying "You are being disrespectful" which immediately puts the other person on the defensive and creates confrontation say "I feel disrespected when I am called stupid"

honeykrown, MSN, NP · Oct 5, 2011

First of all, this behaviour is not accepted unless you let it. Most of the time i deal with it immediately (that day). Instead of quickly writing the person up, take the person aside and talk to them, if it is not resolved then you can write up.

But overall the way to deal with this is by talking to the person (not confrontational), as hard as it might be.

xtian · Oct 27, 2011

i have been in this business for 16 years and i have never been yelled at.
the horror stories you read about yelling and other doctor misbehavior are the exceptions and not the rule. the doctors who were trained in an era when outrageous misbehavior was tolerated are almost all retired.
what you will likely encounter is people being a little short or snappish if you ask them for something when they are stressed.
that is easier to handle.

this is what i was hoping to hear.

why go looking for problems -- you'll probably find them. if you go into it expecting everyone to treat you well, it's likely that they will.

it's been years since i've had a doctor yell at me. if they do, i have to consider the context. if it's someone who is usually pleasant but who has been up all night with a patient who is trying to die, who just lost a patient or has a newborn at home, i cut them some slack. if they're someone who is habitually nasty, i try to defuse the situation with humor or by getting to know a bit about them as a person. it usually works. i was the only nurse in our ccu who could get along with a pulmonologist notorious for yelling and throwing things (this was in the 1980s). my secret? i talked scuba diving with him.

i found out about the humor thing by accident . . . a notoriously nasty nephrologist was sniping at me one morning, and before i could stop myself i said, dripping in sarcasm, "i'm sure dr. smith ordered this consult just to ruin both our days." his jaw dropped and he stared at me for a moment or two -- during which i didn't back down because i was too scared to move or speak -- and then he started to laugh. he was friendly to me from that day onward, and it gradually spread to include most of my staff.

as far as a nurse who raises her voice to you -- again, consider the context. is she usually ok to you, but is trying to stop you from doing something really stupid that might kill your patient? cut her some slack. is she nursing a newborn, 9 1/2 months into a pregnancy, suffering from physical pain of some kind or trying to follow eight orders from six physicians at the same time? cut her some slack.

everyone has the potential to get stressed and raise their voices; usually it isn't a habit and only rarely are they actually deliberately being nasty to you. don't go looking for it and it's likely you'll not find it.

great advice i will keep it in mind.

there is a time to act and a time to react. never react to an antagonistic person. i speak softer, quieter and wait for them to finish blowing... then the long pregnant pause... then in a respectful and concise manner i speak my peace. many times i've asked "are you done"... and just wait for it to finish. you are not the irrational person, you are in control of yourself at all times.
peer to peer, hold your hand up if needed to call it to a halt and bring a disagreement to a more appropriate place. demand it or walk away. if you are forced to walk away, bring a third party to help resolve it before the shift is through.
i am the expert at the "dumb act" when some one is confrontational, i say "excuse me?" "i'm sorry, but i can't hear your message with that tone of voice, come get me when you're in control" (walk away). "i don't like your tone, it gets my back up, try again or come back later and we can talk".
finally, "you are out of line, i'll give you an hour to think about what you've said before we have a formal meeting, it you want to discuss this rationally, the clock is ticking and i have no tolerance for your words". walk away.
there are many more ways to stand your ground, practice a few of them and have them second nature so you're not caught surprised, and they will just flow out of your mouth. lateral violence is never acceptable, and only you can prevent it from happening.
i always nice the person to death making them the orifice, but that is an aquired skill.

thank you for the examples it really puts it into perspective i can see myself busting out a few of those.

in most institutions there's a behavioral reporting structure for situations like a doctor treating you the way you describe, so if you're not comfortable confronting them, use the hotline/reporting.
as far as other nurses go, you just have to have a backbone. there's no other way about it. sure, you could report the meanie nurse to your supervisor, but that's not going to change the situation and it might even turn others against you. politely but firmly stand up for yourself, and depending on the situation make it clear that you are a professional and you treat people with respect and expect the same in return. you should also do this with the doctors, but i can understand how when you're new it's a little intimidating. just remember - the doctors are not your boss in terms of your employment, and you won't get fired for politely sticking up for yourself with them if you need to.

i'll find out about the the behavioral reporting that could definitely come in handy.

thanks all for the replies, great help.