I just joined the site for the second time--I had been a member while in school, and lurked all over for the past few years, but now that I'm starting my work I feel a need to talk with people.
I started working in a general ICU (we get just about everything: med, surg, minor trauma, neuro, etc) in the beginning of June, and now, 2.5 months into it, I'm desperate for some positive affirmations.
See, here's the thing: I love my job. I knew I wanted to work in ICU since almost the beginning of school, and I was hired into it 6 months before school finished, and they have a lot of confidence in me. But it's not what I expected it to be. For the first two months, I had a preceptor who was...not the greatest. Constantly leaving for meetings, telling me that she'd teach me more advanced things (like why I was doing this or that thing, rather than just how to do it) later, making me feel like I was just filling a space, and leaving me alone for long periods of time. I was sharing her with another new grad, a situation that was absolutely horrible: if his patient crashed, I had no support and no one to go to (along with the fact that they spent an awful lot of time "just chatting" when I could have used her help).
Now, I've got a new preceptor, and I'm the only person working with her, and it's a much better situation. But I still feel so in over my head. I cry just about every other day there. I can't stop beating myself up over minor mistakes--forgetting to unclamp a piggyback med, or getting behind on charting, things like that. I made my first med error the other day--a tiny, minor little thing that had absolutely no effect on the patient, and I cannot stop bashing my head in about it. I can't stop holding myself to these perfectionist, self critical standards, and it's really hurting me.
I know that in time, this will get better. But I don't know how long it will take, and that's part of what bothers me. I could handle this a lot better if someone would say to me, "By the end of your 6 month orientation, you will feel so much more comfortable and competant, and these horrible feeling will go away." But right now, I'm just about to the point where I'm considering quitting my job, I feel like a failure, and I can't stop crying anytime anyone asks me how work is going.
Another problem is that I'm sick: I have chronic daily migraines that I use several medications for, and I leave work everyday with my head throbbing. I also have severe mental disorders: bipolar type 2, currently in a major depressive state, and my psychiatrist told me yesterday that she thinks I have symptoms of OCD. So I'm also in the middle of a medication switch. My fiance and I are moving in two weeks, we're planning an overseas wedding, my sleep is completely out of whack, and...aaaah!
So, when does it get better? What can I do to help it get better? I try to talk to my coworkers, and they help me out a lot, but I wind up crying all of the time. I carry an herbal remedy with my in my pocket and use it as needed(Rescue Remedy, and whether it's the placebo effect or not, it works for me). I work on eating and sleeping enough. I just need some encouragement that yes, this will get better....
