New grad - Anxiety and Depression

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This is kind of a vent thread, so I apologize in advance. Took 5 1/2 years to get my BSN (accelerated program) and I honestly thought this would be the happiest time of my life. However, my anxiety is at an all time high! I've always been a shy person, broke out of my shell more in high school by joining clubs and succeeding in academics, and really seemed to blossom in college. I made friends, had several customer service jobs, and joined clubs.

Soon after I finished my first degree, a close friend of mine told me multiple times she didn't think I'd make a good nurse. I asked her why and she never could answer. It hurt my confidence a lot - I felt like maybe she was seeing something that I obviously didn't. My mother and grandmother told me the same thing before hs graduation but I pushed forward and proved them wrong, so I thought, in college. In college, I was friendly and several people encouraged me in my pursuit of nursing. Even though others encouraged me, the opinions of my family and close friend meant more to me and I seemed to hold them to a higher regard.

My anxiety didn't really show up until nurrsing school started. It was really bad all throughout. Anytime I brought up an issue I was having in nursing school to my "friend" and family, they always sneered or reminded me they didn't think I'd make it. Basically, they held me to perfection. They wanted a complete, long and accurate answer to their random medical questions. Saying "I don't know" or giving my best answer was usually sneered at. Even though, I knew it was stupid, I wanted to please them, so I worked harder in nursing school. But it led to more stress. There's no way to know everything. Coming to that realization was disappointing to me. There will and have been times when I will have to tell my patient "I'm not sure, let me get back to you." Everytime I have to admit my imperfections, I hear my family's remarks in my head. I just started my new job at an LTC, am completely overwhelmed but helpful... but I can't let my family know. I live with my mom and brother, and around the corner from the rest of my family so there's no "avoiding" hearing their remarks. I've "cut them off" before, decided to fake it and act like it didn't bother me, and smile while they make their remarks. My dad lives out of state and mysteriously has not returned any of my (or my siblings) calls, emails, or texts since FEBRUARY! I try not to take it personally but I was my dad's "favorite" and we were pretty close. He keeps in touch with his mother and brothers. But avoids his kids. Smh...

In June 2010, I went to a psychologist/psychotherapist (whichever counsels, lol) on campus who brushed my concerns off. She was foreign speaking and I don't think she really understood the s/s I was giving her. I was unofficially diagonosed with severe anxiety and depression in September 2010 by a different counselor who screened patients for the campus counseling office. I graduated in December 2010 and due to school and clinicals never found time to schedule an appointment.

Today was the 2nd day of my job, and I just found myself extremely nervous, shaky, clumsy and overwhelmed. Fear of failure, perfectionism, fear of embarrasing myself, not able to recieve correction...

I just don't know how to get out of this slump. I wish I could just turn off those discouraging thoughts like I did after high school! Discredit the naysayers and keep it movin. I believe in God and pray/read my Bible 1x a day, try to meditate on positive things and my accomplishments and even try to perk myself up. I'm now at a point where I can't even perk myself up!! I feel like I'm a danger to my patients (sounds like something my family would say). I just don't know what to do. This is supposed to be one of the greatest milestones of my life!

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Being a nervous wreck just out of school is SO normal :) I'm so sorry you've had such little support from your "friend" and family- it's hard enough to get through school without that.

Give yourself some time. When you get insurance (or out of pocket if you don't want insurance records of it) you might check out a counselor- there are many types. Social workers (LCSW for example, or MSW) can practice on their own and are better at listening than a lot of therapists. JME.

This sounds a lot like being "should on".... people shouldn't be 'shouldin' on you!! You can get through this, and know that being a new nurse comes with a lot of anxiety . :nurse:

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Specializes in Home health was tops, 2nd was L&D.

I agree totally. Concentrate on learning your job..obviously you passed boards.. so that is a Biggie!

I fell that people who are not supportive and who put you down are really jealous of your guts to go out there and go for the Gold!!

And yes, get a more experienced opinion on your level of anxiety and depression.. there are meds out there that work and could make your life better. But being stressed thru-out nursing school and starting first job are so normal!!

Once you accept it in your mind that you are a nurse and a capable one , you may find alot of these issues melt away.

Best of luck to you, and keep us posted.:heartbeat

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Specializes in Leadership, Psych, HomeCare, Amb. Care.

You will never be perfect, nor will I or anyone who reads this.

Does your new job offer EAP (Employee Assistance Program)? If so, you may be immediately eligible (or there may be a waiting period) to talk to someone. Is there someone else that can provide some supportive counseling? Any other new grads you can share your concerns with?

In any event, I'd suggest seeing your family Dr or mental health clinic ASAP. A Rx for an anxiolytic may be appropriate to take the edge off enough to allow you to address your other issues with counseling and/or medications. An unofficial diagnosis of anxiety and depression may or may not be correct; but it sounds like you'd benefit from talking to someone.

Good Luck

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I so sorry your family is a bunch of idiots! I would be so proud of you if you were my child. Those messages run deep. I've got depression too and take a combination of meds, it helps so much! Once I got out of the depression I could really let the counseling in. I'm not at all perfect, don't know the answers, and am a total klutz. When I get up in the morning I am always depressed, I love christian rock so I listen to that and by the time I've had my coffee I feel better. Don't forget the natural antidepressents like 1/2 hour of exercise daily, spending time looking, really looking at nature, journaling. I write letters to myself or God and then answer them as a compassionate caring person or nurse would. This kind wise part you show your patients is you, and you can give yourself gentleness.

Now next time I feel down, I'm gonna start a thread and you can tell me I'm worth something to myself and others...ps if you work in LTC, it's hard and scary and tough! Hang in there you'll make it.:) PS PM me if you gey really down and need a kind word or a prayer. Jesus is there for you and so am I

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