My essay for NS!

SeaOtter · Jan 3, 2009

i know its long..lol. but if anyone cares to read and comment, gives suggestions, edit....feel free. im sending in my app this week. im so nervous about this freaking essay! what do you guys think?
i am proud to say that i have accomplished a lot in my life considering my childhood and family background. i had my daughter at the age of 16, and have been caring for her since the day she was born. after having my daughter, i felt though college was not an option for me. i felt my first priority was caring for my daughter. now that my daughter is older, i am ready to tackle my life long desire of becoming a nurse, with her full support. i take pride in the fact that i am the first one in my family to ever attend college, to own my home, and will soon be the first to graduate from college.
when i was 18, i joined my local volunteer rescue squad and obtained my emt-b. from that moment on, i knew i wanted to become a nurse. i also worked as an oral surgery assistant for 3 years. i loved my job. i enjoyed meeting new people, listening to their concerns and caring for my patients. however, i wanted to be able to provide a variety of care for my patients, not just oral surgery.
currently, i am enrolled at j. sargeant reynolds and have satisfied most of the non-nursing classes in the bon secours curriculum. i am choosing bon secours because it is a hospital based program. i like that it is a lot of hands on learning. i think the learning environment and hands on training could only produce excellent nurses. i also have a cousin and several friends who have graduated from bon secours and they all speak highly of the program. the flexibility of evening classes will work well for me.
after completing nursing school, i plan to transfer to vcu and obtain my bachelors degree through their weekend program. upon receiving my bachelors, my goal is to obtain my masters degree. i have really enjoyed being back in school and plan to never stop continuing my education. this is also a wonderful opportunity to set an example for my daughter. at this time my top priorities are to become a nurse and to ensure that my daughter goes to college and has all the opportunities that i never had. when it's all said and done and my daughter is in college, i would love to become a traveling nurse.
i also have a strong passion for teaching. i currently work for vcu school of dentistry, were i teach the clinical portion of radiology to dental and hygiene students. i can ultimately see myself teaching nursing students and sharing the passion and drive that is within me.
as you can see i have a lot of interest in different areas. i think that becoming a registered nurse provides endless opportunities. it's a career that offers variety, and not to mention, the satisfaction of caring for those in need.

here is the letter how i would write it. i have changed the first paragraph some and you will see words struck out that should be removed or reworded. i have also placed questions that you should answer to make your comments or information stronger in parentheses.

the letter

i am proud to say that i have accomplished many goals in my life considering my childhood and family background. i had my daughter at the age of 16. after the birth of my daughter, i felt that college was not an important priority, since my daughter became my first priority. my daughter is older now. with the full support of my family and daughter, i feel mentally and emotionally prepared to tackle my life long desire of becoming a nurse.

i take pride in the fact that i am the first one in my family to ever attend college, to own my home, and will soon be the first to graduate from college. when i was 18, i joined my local volunteer rescue squad and obtained my emt-b. (why did this experience make you know you wanted to be a nurse? i use to be a paramedic, there is a difference in the practice of nursing and emergency medicine on the streets.) from that moment on, i knew i wanted to become a nurse. i also worked as an oral surgery assistant for 3 years. i loved my job. i enjoyed meeting new people, listening to their concerns and caring for my patients. however, i wanted to be able to provide a variety of care for my patients, not just oral surgery. (are you still working as an oral surgery assistant? if so change the tense of worked and wanted)

currently, i am enrolled at j. sargeant reynolds and have satisfied most of the non-nursing classes in the bon secours curriculum. i am choosing bon secours because it is a hospital based program. i like that it is a lot of hands on learning. i think the learning environment and hands on training could only produce excellent nurses. i also have a cousin and several friends who have graduated from bon secours and they all speak highly of the program. the flexibility of evening classes will work well for me.

after completing nursing school, i plan to transfer to vcu and obtain my bachelors degree through their weekend program. upon receiving my bachelors, my goal is to obtain my masters degree. i have really enjoyed being back in school and plan to never stop continuing my education. this is also a wonderful opportunity to set an example for my daughter. at this time my top priorities are to become a nurse and to ensure that my daughter goes to college and has all the opportunities that i never had. when it's all said and done and (get rid of) my daughter is in college, i would love to become a traveling nurse.

i also have a strong passion for teaching. i currently work for vcu school of dentistry, were i teach the clinical portion of radiology to dental and hygiene students. i can ultimately see myself teaching nursing students and sharing the passion and drive that is within me.

as you can see, i have variety of interest. i believe that becoming a registered nurse provides endless opportunities. it's a career that offers variety along with the satisfaction of caring for those in need.

these are simply suggestions that i feel would make it a stronger letter. i hope this helps.

dan

JamesJr. · Jan 4, 2009

Hello. I am a highschool junior taking AP English. This is what I would change if I was peer-editing:

I am proud to say that I have accomplished a lot in my life considering my childhood and family background. I had my daughter at the age of 16, and I have been caring for her since the day she was born. After having my daughter, I felt that college was not a viable option for me. I felt my first priority was caring for my daughter; now that my daughter is older, I am ready to tackle my life long desire of becoming a nurse, with her full support. I take pride in the fact that I am the first one in my family to ever attend college, to own a home, and to soon graduate from college.

When I was 18, I joined my local volunteer rescue squad and obtained my EMT-B. From that moment on, I knew I wanted to become a nurse. I also worked as an oral surgery assistant for 3 years. I loved my time as an oral surgery assitant; I enjoyed meeting new people, listening to their concerns, and caring for my patients. However, I wanted to be able to provide a variety of care for my patients, not just oral surgery.

Currently, I am enrolled at J. Sargeant Reynolds and have satisfied most of the non-nursing classes in the Bon Secours curriculum. I am choosing Bon Secours because it is a hospital based program. I like the fact that it provides a lot of hands on learning. I think that the learning environment and hands on training can only enhance the skills being learned. Furthermore, I have a cousin and several friends who have graduated from Bon Secours and they all speak highly of the program. The flexibility of the evening classes that are offered will work well for me.

After completing nursing school, I plan to transfer to VCU and obtain my Bachelors Degree through their weekend program. Upon receiving my Bachelors, my goal is to obtain my Masters Degree. I have really enjoyed being back in school and hope to never stop the continuation of my education. This is also a wonderful opportunity to set an example for my daughter. At this time, my top priorities are to become a nurse and to ensure that my daughter goes to college and has all the opportunities that I never had. When my education is complete and my daughter is self-supporting, I would love to venture into the field of a traveling nurse.

I also have a strong passion for teaching. I currently work for VCU School of Dentistry, were I teach the clinical portion of radiology to dental and hygiene students. I can ultimately see myself teaching nursing students and sharing the passion and drive that is within me. (Why will this help you in nursing? What skills have you learned by teaching; eg provides preparation to teaching patients)

Throughout this essay, I hope to shown you how I have a lot of interest in different areas. I think that becoming a Registered Nurse provides endless opportunities. It’s a career that offers variety and not to mention, the satisfaction of caring for those in need.

ssnva1 · Jan 4, 2009

Thank you both so much for taking the time to read this. I am editing as I get suggestions. You guys are great for reading such a long boring post....lol. Thanks again!

Staragate, ADN, ASN, RN · Jan 4, 2009

"After having my daughter, I felt though college was not an option for me." This sentence didn't make a lot of sense to me. Try : After having my daughter, I thought that college was not an option for me."

"After completing nursing school, I plan to transfer to VCU and obtain my Bachelors Degree through their weekend program. Upon receiving my Bachelors, my goal is to obtain my Masters Degree."

This came off like a list. I suggest a job goal after the Bachelors.